Clemens' truth is stranger than fiction   

Updated: May 1, 2008, 10:20 AM ET

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Just when you thought the Roger Clemens saga couldn't get any better … just when you thought you were going to have to be content with the story of Brian McNamee injecting HGH into Debbie Clemens in the master bedroom without Roger knowing … just when you thought "misremember" was going to be the most remembered word of the ongoing drama … just when you thought it couldn't get any weirder than the vision of Deb and Jose Canseco's wife baring their artificial breasts for mutual examination … just when you thought it couldn't get any slimier than Roger playing a secretly taped telephone conversation for all the world to hear … just when you thought there's no way on earth a Monica Lewinsky reference could ever turn up in this mess … just when you allowed yourself to believe that 15-year-old aspiring country singers couldn't be found in a Florida karaoke bar called "The Hired Hand" … just when you thought Clemens -- stupid as he might be -- would never be accused of taking a 15-year-old -- that's like 10th grade -- back to his hotel after meeting her at "The Hired Hand" … just when you thought nobody would name a Florida karaoke bar "The Hired Hand" … just when you thought you'd never want to get Dan Burton's opinion on anything ever again … just when you thought Rusty Hardin's job couldn't get any more difficult … yes, ladies and gentlemen, we present Mindy McCready, telling the New York Daily News it's all true.

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And the moral of the story is: Think twice before taping private conversations and playing them live on a nationally televised news conference.

My favorite compliment for a player drafted in the NFL draft: "He'll hit you."

I haven't devoted my life to evaluating college football talent, but I'll just venture an amateur's guess: Being a nonkicker who will hit you seems like the bare minimum job requirement for playing in the NFL.

Even Flavor Flav called to say it was too big and gaudy: Glenn Dorsey's draft day watch.

Maybe this isn't something you're supposed to mention, but it's so obvious it's hard to ignore: Despite not having seen a good number of the NFL draftees, I guarantee you I can guess which skill-position players are white based on the descriptions I read in several post-draft analyses.

Three examples: (1) "classic overachiever"; (2) "prototypical old-school fullback"; (3) "a far better football player than athlete."

And that Flacco kid, he's going to be tormented by the ghost of Unitas as long as he plays in Baltimore: In the most inane story line of a mostly inane event, The Associated Press crafted a story around Lions third-round pick Kevin Smith stepping into Barry Sanders' shadow in Detroit.

Considering Sanders retired when Smith was 11, this makes a lot of sense: Smith, asked about Sanders, said, "I never thought of myself as chasing Barry Sanders."

And, quite frankly, who are we to argue?: The Kansas City Chiefs, unquestioned heroes of the biggest and most important event of this and every year, the NFL draft.

Just for the heck of it: Luis Polonia.

If we're playing pickup against the Hawks: You're guarding Joe Johnson, OK, 'cuz I'm big enough to admit right now I can't stay with the man.

And not only that, but: The Hawks' Zaza Pachulia got all up in Kevin Garnett's business, in a way only Zaza Pachulia can.

Bud Selig is calling for an immediate and thorough congressional investigation: Josh Howard of the Dallas Mavericks chose the beginning of the playoffs as the most opportune time to admit his own offseason marijuana use and implicate pretty much the entire league in the process.

But if you've got a championship-ready team that doesn't need any of that pesky coaching, he's your guy: Pat Riley stepped down as coach of the Heat, just months after he stepped down as the game-day coach to concentrate on scouting college players.

Not to pretend to give anyone career advice, but: If you are a television reporter who is told to "go to the mall and get reaction" on Miley Cyrus, you might want to leave the resulting report out of the application you send to "60 Minutes."

Why do I feel there's a crazed, huge-fine-and-a-suspension outburst out there with his name on it?: Hank Steinbrenner.

To which Roger Clemens turned to Deb and said, "See, my Monday wasn't that bad": Soccer star Ronaldo was questioned by police in Brazil after a run-in with transvestite prostitutes.

And finally, after all this, I have just one question -- Ronaldo couldn't afford a hotel instead of a motel?: The Associated Press story includes the following paragraph -- "[The police inspector] said the altercation began when Ronaldo found out he was dealing with transvestites instead of women. The inspector said Ronaldo admitted he knew they were prostitutes when they met earlier Sunday night but did not realize they were transvestites until they got to the motel."

Tim Keown is a senior writer for ESPN The Magazine. Sound off to Tim here.


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