The real trade bait   

Updated: July 30, 2007, 3:08 PM ET

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You've heard all the big names being bandied about: Mark Teixeira, Jermaine Dye, Jon Garland and the rest. You've read all the breathless analysis of each team's needs, what they might do, how it might affect their playoff chances or their rebuilding plans.

I'm here to tell you that the experts got it wrong. All of it. After hundreds of hours of tireless research, Page 2 is ready to unveil the definitive list of all 30 teams' trade deadline needs, along with what they should give up. Print out these predictions, then marvel in their accuracy come 4 p.m. Tuesday.

NL East
New York Mets
Trade for: A healthy right arm for Pedro. Surgeons do ligament replacement surgery using cadavers … why not just dig up Walter Johnson's whole right arm?
Trade away: Lastings Milledge's rap career.

Atlanta Braves
Trade for: Some rice cakes for Bob Wickman.
Trade away: Those hideous red alternate Sunday home jerseys.

Philadelphia Phillies
Trade for: A flying DeLorean to go back to 30 seconds before Chase Utley broke his hand and killed the Phillies' playoff chances.
Trade away: The top of Biff Tannen's cane (Shane Victorino owns it -- he's a HUGE Thomas F. Wilson fan).

Florida Marlins
Trade for: A stadium deal.
Trade away: Jeffrey Loria, David Samson and any carpets, bags or carpetbagging-related items at Marlins headquarters.

Washington Nationals
Trade for: Two more injury-prone first basemen, so Nick Johnson and Dmitri Young can have a proper game of bridge.
Trade away: I'd say Nook Logan, but the stampede for his services would surely trample thousands of innocent bystanders.

NL Central
Milwaukee Brewers
Trade for: Ryan Braun's mom's secret latkes recipe.
Trade away: Corey Hart. His pesky habit of wearing his sunglasses at night has him leading the league in dropped fly balls.

Chicago Cubs
Trade for: A billion-dollar offer from Mark Cuban for the franchise, Wrigley Field and a stake in SportsNet Chicago.
Trade away: Any hope of former Brewers owner Bud Selig concealing his hatred for the Cubs.

St. Louis Cardinals
Trade for: The Chris Carpenter, Scott Rolen and Jim Edmonds of old.
Trade away: Tony La Russa's car keys.

Houston Astros
Trade for: Bunting and balloons to draw fans for Chris Burke's 225th hit ceremony. Hey, it worked for Biggio's 3,000th.
Trade away: Alternate plans for an Up With People concert.

Cincinnati Reds
Trade for: The movie rights to Josh Hamilton's life story.
Trade away: All of Great American Ballpark except the scoreboard. Watching the Josh Hamilton Story on the Jumbotron beats watching the Reds any day.

Pittsburgh Pirates
Trade for: Twenty-four more Cesar Izturii.
Trade away: Whatever it takes. Twenty-five Itzurii are a dynasty waiting to happen.

NL West
Los Angeles Dodgers
Trade for: Sturdier groins for their pitchers.
Trade away: Alyssa Milano's clubhouse access.

Arizona Diamondbacks
Trade for: Randy Johnson's mojo.
Trade away: Randy Johnson's poop-throwing monkey named Mojo.

San Diego Padres
Trade for: A premium pitching prospect, a ready-made reliever making the league minimum and a third useful prospect.
Trade away: Their fifth-best reliever. (Just kidding … no team would ever make a deal that lopsided.)

Colorado Rockies
Trade for: Motivational video to get team over .500 for first time in seven years.
Trade away: Tattered copy of old pamphlet, entitled "Dante Bichette's Guide To Getting Rich Off Inflated Numbers."

San Francisco Giants
Trade for: Two more homers for Barry Bonds.
Trade away: The entire old, stinky roster once the record's broken.

AL East
Boston Red Sox
Trade for: Neil Diamond to perform "Sweet Caroline" at home games.
Trade away: Dustin Diamond's far less wholesome brand of entertainment.

New York Yankees
Trade for: Albert Pujols, Johan Santana, Francisco Rodriguez, Miguel Cabrera and Jose Reyes.
Trade away: Miguel Cairo, according to WFAN callers.

Toronto Blue Jays
Trade for: Another five-year plan for J.P. Ricciardi.
Trade away: The GDP of Canada for 12 games of A.J. Burnett and B.J. Ryan through the rest of the decade.

Baltimore Orioles
Trade for: Anybody but Peter Angelos.
Trade away: Peter Angelos.

Tampa Bay Devil Rays
Trade for: Good health for the projected 2010 uber-rotation of Scott Kazmir, David Price, James Shields, Wade Davis and Jacob McGee.
Trade away: Their souls, if necessary.

AL Central
Detroit Tigers
Trade for: A classy silver cigarette case for Jim Leyland.
Trade away: Neifi Perez -- they don't need him anymore, now that he's done mining all that silver.

Cleveland Indians
Trade for: Space on the team charter for Grady's Ladies.
Trade away: Space on the team charter for Victor's Victorias.

Minnesota Twins
Trade for: A lifetime supply of flaxseed oil for Jason Tyner, Jason Bartlett and Nick Punto.
Trade away: The far less successful stash of Oil of Olay.

Chicago White Sox
Trade for: A muzzle for Hawk Harrelson.
Trade away: The 47 scrappy, speedy, no-hit outfielders on the roster.

Kansas City Royals
Trade for: Optimism.
Trade away: Buddy Bell.

AL West
Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim
Trade for: A cloning device that produces more Vladimir Guerreros.
Trade away: The failed cloning device that only produced more Wilton Guerreros.

Seattle Mariners
Trade for: A starting pitcher with an ERA under 4.00.
Trade away: Jose Vidro's legs.

Oakland A's
Trade for: More Moneyball-compatible players.
Trade away: More freaking money.

Texas Rangers
Trade for: Pitching and defense. Even a little.
Trade away: Alfonso Soriano for Brad Wilkerson; Adrian Gonzalez and Chris Young for Aki Otsuka and Adam Eaton … you might want to think twice before making another deal there, champ.

Jonah Keri is a regular contributor to Page 2 and the editor and co-author of "Baseball Between the Numbers." You can contact him here.


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