By Bud Abbott and Lou Costello
Adapted by Ted Kluck

Special to Page 2

Abbott: Well, Costello, I'm going to New York with you. You know Bookie Harris, the Yankee's manager, gave me a job as coach for as long as you're on the team.

Costello: Look, Abbott, if you're the coach, you must know all the players.

Abbott: I certainly do.

Abbott & Costello
Abbott and Costello know that steroids is no laughing matter.

Costello: Well, you know I've never met the guys. So you'll have to tell me their names, and then I'll know who's playing on the team and who has ties with BALCO laboratories. Although, for the record, you didn't hear me mention that topic.

Abbott: Oh, I'll tell you their names. But, you know, it seems to me they give these ball players now-a-days very peculiar names.

Costello: You mean funny names?

Abbott: Strange names, pet names ... like Dizzy Dean ...

Costello: His brother, Daffy.

Abbott: Daffy Dean ...

Costello: And their French cousin, the guy with the personal trainer.

Abbott: French?

Costello: Goofe.

Abbott: Goofe Dean. Well, let's see, we have on the bags, Who's on steroids, What's on second, I Don't Know is on third ...

Costello: That's what I want to find out.

Abbott: I say Who's on steroids, What's on second, I Don't Know's on third.

Costello: Are you the manager?

Abbott: Yes.

Costello: You gonna be the coach, too?

Abbott: Yes.

Costello: And you don't know the fellows' names?

Abbott: Well, I should.

Costello: Well, then, who's on steroids?

Abbott: Yes.

Costello: I mean the fellow's name. It's very important that we know this, so that we can know who to asterisk.

Ken Caminiti
Ken Caminiti knows who's juicing.

Abbott: Who.

Costello: The guy on steroids.

Abbott: Who.

Costello: The guy with the personal trainer. And they're nutritional supplements, by the way. Herbals.

Abbott: Who.

Costello: The guy playing ...

Abbott: Who is on steroids!

Costello: I'm asking YOU who's on steroids.

Abbott: That's the man's name.

Costello: That's who's name?

Abbott: Yes.

Costello: Well, go ahead and tell me.

Abbott: That's it.

Costello: That's who?

Abbott: Yes.

(PAUSE)

Costello: Look, you gotta guy on steroids?

Abbott: Certainly.

Costello: Who's on steroids? The guy that came into the league weighing a buck eighty and now he looks like Ray Lewis?

Abbott: That's right.

Costello: When you pay off the guy on steroids every month, who gets the money?

Abbott: Every dollar of it. Besides the 10 percent that goes to his personal trainer, the guy with the bodybuilding background. From Russia.

Costello: All I'm trying to find out is the fellow's name on steroids.

Abbott: Who.

Costello: The guy that gets bigger every year by like 20 pounds of solid muscle.

Abbott: That's it.

Bud Selig
Bud Selig is determined to due away with all aging parks.

Costello: Who gets the money ...

Abbott: He does, every dollar. Sometimes his BALCO connection comes down and collects it.

Costello: Who's BALCO connection?

Abbott: Yes. And we're really not supposed to be talking about this. If Bud finds out, we're screwed.

(PAUSE)

Abbott: What's wrong with that?

Costello: Look, all I wanna know is when you sign up the guy on steroids, how does he sign his name? And did he sign for any shipments from any strange laboratories?

Abbott: Who.

Costello: The guy.

Abbott: Who.

Costello: How does he sign ...

Abbott: That's how he signs it.

Costello: Who?

Abbott: Yes.

(PAUSE)

Costello: All I'm trying to find out is what's the guy's name on steroids.

Abbott: No. What is on second base.

Costello: I'm not asking you who's on second.

Abbott: Who's on steroids.

Costello: One base at a time!

Abbott: Well, don't change the players around.

Costello: I'm not changing nobody! And I'm not changing any entries in the record books, regardless of who's on steroids or nutritional supplements. Hank Aaron didn't need steroids ...

Abbott: Take it easy, buddy.

Costello: I'm only asking you, who's the guy on steroids?

Abbott: That's right.

Costello: OK.

Abbott: All right.