Commentary

The Weekly Best for 11/10

Originally Published: November 10, 2009
By Cameron Martin | Special to Page 2

Welcome to the Weekly Best, a look at the best in sports, pop culture and kidney-stone advice.

Best application of egg batter: Chase Utley's hair.

Best name for a guy who'll play for Notre Dame: Golden.

Best replacement for a player with a deadly aversion to mile-high cities: The Steelers' Tyrone Carter.

Best crossover dribbler in NBA history: Allen Iverson.

Best guess as to why "Paranormal Activity" became a word-of-mouth box-office hit: A lot of people hate their friends.

Best response if someone tells you to see "Paranormal Activity": "You're dead to me."

Best thing I can say about "Paranormal Activity": The most annoying character in the movie is blessedly murdered.

Best opportunity for sportswriters to vote on something meaningless: The Associated Press preseason All-America basketball team.

Best thing said through an interpreter: "The main thing is not to be nervous, to take some time during the first round to learn a little bit [about] the opponent and then to look for some [weakness] and then to use it." -- Russian Fedor Emelianenko after cracking American Brett Rogers with a winning right hook to the chin in MMA on Saturday night.

Best SEC officiating this past week: LSU versus Alabama?

Best college football game next week: Iowa versus Ohio State.

Best thinner of the herd in NFL survivor pools: Green Bay Packers.

Best use of throwback jerseys as a Jedi mind trick: Tampa Bay Bucs.

Best alligator arms: Ted Ginn Jr.

Best mismatch: Dallas Clark versus Brian Cushing.

Best formula for losing a late lead: New York Giants.

Best excuse to overhype a game not involving Brett Favre: Pats versus Colts next Sunday.

Best game next Sunday: Steelers versus Bengals for first place in the AFC North.

Best tribute to the late great Captain Lou Albano, icon of women's wrestling: New Mexico soccer player Elizabeth Lambert.

Best way to lose your school's six-year, $3 million shoe contract with adidas: Wear your father's Nike Air Jordans.

Best place for a massage in Fairfield County, Conn.: Massage Envy in Fairfield.

Best team start in 24 years: Denver Nuggets.

Best victory that didn't even count: Le Moyne over Syracuse.

Best candidate for additional gun training: Vicente Padilla.

Best menu item at Dunkin' Donuts these days: Mmm, pumpkin donuts.

Best rearrangement of deck chairs on the Titanic: If the Blue Jays trade Vernon Wells to the Cubs for Milton Bradley.

Best argument for the use of a designated hitter: CC Sabathia.

Best tackle last week: The high school player who purposely tackled his own teammate.

Best way to get a kidney stone: Don't drink enough water.

Best way to describe the pain of a kidney stone: Like getting stabbed in the side with a sizzling trident.

Best time to pass a kidney stone: After you're dead.

Best course of action when dealing with overly giddy Yankee fans: Remind them that no one can top a three-games-to-none implosion in a 7-game series.

Best wrinkle that should be added to "The Amazing Race": Penalize contestants for saying "go, go, go."

Best life decision: Roland Emmerich, director of "2012," who said he cut scenes depicting the destruction of the Muslim shrine in Mecca because he didn't want to become the target of a fatwa.

Best place for Bob Sanders to just spend his entire career: The injury report.

Best joke not meant to be funny: "I'm the No. 1 receiver, but things are just going No. 2's way. … It's just not even close. It's not even funny. Not even close." -- Roy Williams referring to Miles Austin.

Best evidence that your self-esteem isn't an issue: You click "Like" on your own Facebook postings.

Best bet to do that: Roy Williams?

Best petition: Kansas City fans asking the Chiefs to stop Larry Johnson from passing Priest Holmes as the team's all-time rushing leader.

Best team in no hurry to win back-to-back games: Boston Bruins.

Best rumor in "drive fast, turn left": Danica Patrick shifting to NASCAR.

Best time to buy "Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2": Immediately, if not sooner.

Best brown-nosing: Redskins' defensive coordinator Greg Blache telling people to stop criticizing owner Dan Snyder.

Best job of living in denial: Jimmy Rollins saying the Phillies are still better than the Yankees.

Best winless NBA team: New Jersey Nets.

Best blindside in recent "Survivor" history: Last week's eviction of Erik, the condescending cave dweller.

Best pitcher caught with 3.3 grams of marijuana: Tim Lincecum.

Best case of irony: U2 performing a free concert to celebrate the 20-year anniversary of the fall of the Berlin Wall -- and constructing a 6-foot fence to prevent people without tickets from seeing the concert.

Best sports news I heard all week: Cal tailback Jahvid Best regaining movement in all his extremities after landing on his head following a goal-line plunge against Oregon State.

Cam Martin is a contributor to Page 2. He previously worked for the Greenwich (Conn.) Time and The (Stamford, Conn.) Advocate, and has written online for CBS Sports and Comcast SportsNet New England. You can contact him at cdavidmartin@yahoo.com.