Commentary

Page 2 sends Madoff, Mets to Broadway

Originally Published: February 22, 2011
By Howard Megdal | Page 2

Bernard MadoffTimothy A. Clary/Getty ImagesBernie Madoff brings an additional cartoonish tint to the travails of the star-crossed New York Mets.

On Feb. 4, a court unsealed the lawsuit brought by Irving Picard, on behalf of the victims of Bernard Madoff, against Fred Wilpon, owner of the New York Mets.

Lawyers close to the case have revealed, however, that the lawsuit contained more than just embarrassing details about Wilpon and his finances. It also contains next season's smash Broadway hit, "Springtime For Bernie." Page 2's dubious network of sources has obtained the first scene from the script.

[Curtain rises. Bernie Madoff sits, alone in his prison cell on far stage right, in prison-issued orange and blue.]

BERNIE MADOFF: How humiliating this is. Bernie Madoff. Bernard L. Madoff. [shouting] You know who I used to be? Bernie Madoff, King of Wall Street! Six scams running at once! [softer] Lunch at Tavern on the Green. Two thousand dollar suits. Now look at me! I've been trying to hang myself with a cardboard belt! [tears belt into pieces as orchestra begins to play "Meet the Mets" contemplatively] I remember a time when the only Bull people associated with me was my yacht ...

[spotlight to Fred Wilpon at center stage, in tennis clothes]

FRED WILPON: Remarkable, Bernie! How do you do it?

BERNIE MADOFF: [quietly] There are a lot of little old ladies in Palm Beach County...

FRED WILPON: What's that?

BERNIE MADOFF: [brighter] Diversification! So as I was saying, it's quite possible. You could make more money with a team that's a flop than one that's a hit!

FRED WILPON: But I don't understand ...

BERNIE MADOFF: [incredulously] You're going to question the man who gets you impossibly high profits every year?

FRED WILPON: OK, I'll do it!

[orchestra's "Meet the Mets" tempo increases]

BERNIE MADOFF: [excitedly] Step 1: Hire a general manager who gets you thisclose to winning, only to see his team fall apart.

[Omar Minaya dances onto the stage, stopping after a beat to yell back into the wings]

OMAR MINAYA: Send the Kicking K-Rods home! We're only auditioning Punching K-Rods!

[Minaya continues his dance across the stage, stopping next to Wilpon, who puts his arm around Minaya]

OMAR MINAYA: I'll hire a minor league director to start fights with my players, sign pitchers without physicals, and pick fights with beat reporters! [Minaya and Wilpon shake hands theatrically, while a shirtless Tony Bernazard pirouettes in front of them]

BERNIE MADOFF: Step 2: Hire managers who don't know how to manage.

[Willie Randolph and Jerry Manuel dance across the stage, arm in arm]

WILLIE RANDOLPH: I think Guillermo Mota's a star!

JERRY MANUEL: And I think a bunt's as good as a home run!

[In time to the music, Randolph signals for a righty and Manuel gives the bunt sign, as Randolph dances next to Wilpon and Manuel dances next to Minaya]

BERNIE MADOFF: Step 3: Spend all your money signing players who can't play!

[Oliver Perez and Scott Boras skip toward center stage, arms linked, while Luis Castillo limps in well behind them.]

SCOTT BORAS: Sign Oliver Perez, and you'll have the next Sandy Koufax on your hands!

FRED WILPON: You mean he'll throw four no-hitters?

SCOTT BORAS: No, but he'll be out of baseball by age 31!

[Wilpon and Boras shake hands, Minaya hands Perez a pen, which he throws wildly to Castillo, who drops it.]

[Orchestra transitions into intro to the tune of "Springtime for Hitler" from the stage musical "The Producers."]

SCOTT BORAS: He's only walked nine batters this month!

EVERYONE: Because it's January!

[Luis Castillo falls down]

EVERYONE: [singing] New York Mets are having trouble
What a sad, sad story
Since, let's face it
Shea was never home to that much glory
Hear our tale of woe
Where did that man go?
He's put away
But in his day
He helped make this day so

[group onstage parts into two groups, inner curtain rises, and out strides Mr. Met, holding a bat on his shoulder]

MR. MET: [singing] Oh it was ...
Springtime for Bernie and Ponzi schemes
Winter for Mets fans and Queens

[showgirl mugs for audience, wearing selectively placed peanuts and Crackerjack]

Investments with no paper trail
Closer who lands in county jail

[showgirl mugs for audience, wearing selectively placed Shake Shack burgers]

Springtime for Bernie and Phillies fans
Wilpon's the victim once more

[showgirl mugs for audience, wearing selectively placed Citigroup bailout checks]

Springtime for Bernie and Ponzi schemes
The rich owner of Mets is now poor

[dance break, kick line continues, music plays while single dancer, wearing "Beltran 15" jersey steps forward, as Mr. Met gestures menacingly toward him with a bat]

CARLOS BELTRAN: I had trouble with my knee, so Mets publicly bad-mouthed me!

[Beltran limps back, while "Reyes 7" dances forward, and Mr. Met brandishes the bat again]

JOSE REYES: Mets' docs told me "Have no fear!" Then I missed entire year!

[Reyes hobbles away; Mr. Met chases after both Reyes and Beltran in what at first appears to be uncontrolled chaos, but as music swells for final reprise, group onstage has organized into an exact recreation of the Mets logo, as seen overhead]

EVERYONE [singing]: Springtime for Bernie and Yankees fans
Wilpon will call it a day
Losses are on the rise again
Seasons to euthanize again
Springtime for Bernie and Ponzi schemes
This story doesn't end well
Springtime for Bernie and Ponzi schemes
Means that soon he'll be going
Wilpon will be going
You know he'll be going to SELL!

[curtain]

Howard Megdal is a Page 2 contributor who edits PerpetualPost.com, writes for SNY.tv, Capital New York, MLBTradeRumors.com, NYBaseballDigest.com.


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