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Richest story item of the weekend: The Philadelphia Eagles excused Terrell Owens from their charity carnival Sunday. Insert lame joke here, Cooler reader (don't worry if you don't have any -- I'll supply 'em).
They said T.O. was resting a strained groin muscle.
Terrell Owens continues to make headlines. And that'll probably continue the whole season.
The real reason? He is the charity carnival, man. He's the Bearded Lady and the Dog-Faced Boy rolled into one. Which would be OK if he and Donovan McNabb could make like another carnival oddity and play the role of the conjoined twins. But they can't.
Second-richest story item of the weekend: First play of the preseason for T.O., and he hauls in a bomb from McNabb and scores a 64-yard touchdown. Sticking with our carnival theme, Eagles fans went from wanting to drop T.O. into the dunk tank to cheering him like he's handing out cotton candy to the kids. Such is life in the Tilt-A-Whirl world of T.O. There are functional relationships and dysfunctional relationships, and then there are T.O.'s relationships with McNabb and Eagles fans. I can't think of anything like it in recent sports history. T.O. and McNabb say they're not talking? Yet they hook up for five catches and 131 yards in just one half of preseason play, plus the big TD? I can only think Andy Reid borrowed a mime from the carnival to be the intermediary for T.O. and Donovan by acting out the play calls. T.O. to Mime: What's that play? I don't get it. You look like you're pulling a rope. We don't have a rope-pull pass pattern, dude. Mime: (Silent.) McNabb to Mime: No, no! I called All-Jet Go on 4! I did not call for "Walk in the Wind"! Mime: (Silent.) T.O. to Mime: What are you saying? Are you saying I'm putting the Eagles organization into a glass box? That they're trapped? Mime: (Silent.) It might take semaphore flags. It might take passing a note in the huddle. Sample note passed to T.O. from Donovan: "Will you run a 15-yard out? Check 'Yes' or 'No' box." Either way, it's pure T.O. -- Too Outrageous. Eagles fans, I love your passion, your heart and your capacity for alcohol and profanity. I do not, however, envy your lot -- ripping T.O. all spring and summer, then singing "The T.O. Song" when No. 81 crosses the goal line. Then again, in some ways, it's pure Philly: Carnival, all the way. With T.O., we're all suckers, and we're all reborn every minute. On, then, to the Weekend List of Five: 1. Back, Back, Back … to My Little Grass Shack …As a native Californian, much about life in the Eastern time zone fascinates me. You have "Monday Night Football" that ends Tuesday; you have humidity; you can drive for 45 minutes and cross three state lines. It's all good and well and makes for interesting lifestyle comparisons. What I've never come to terms with, however, is how many of you from the Eastern time zone have never been to our 50th state, the garden isles of Hawaii. Or, as my mom, honoring the native tongue of our favorite vacation spot, always said: Ha-vye-ee. There is nothing like Hawaii. Not the Caribbean. Not the Gulf of Mexico. Not the Canary Islands. Not Southern California, nor Florida, nor any other beach paradise.