NASCAR cheaters out of control   

Updated: February 16, 2007, 3:28 PM ET

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Jeff Gordon got caught in a post-race inspection with a quarter panel that was too low. Michael Waltrip's car was found with an unspecified substance in his engine. Is cheating in NASCAR rampant? Well, let's just say a Page 2 investigation found other ways NASCAR personnel are cheating:

• Using Ben Hur-style spoke/wheel breakers
• Having a pit crew member fire at other drivers from a gun turret installed on top of the car
• Drivers' girlfriends loading up on steroids to prepare for pit fights
• Using windshield washers in traffic to spray trailing cars
• Turning up the bass so loud that opponents can't hear the starting signal
• Using the right turn signal to throw off other drivers
• Using one of those automatic parallel parking systems for pit stops
• Stealing crew members from opponents with promises of free housing and friendly "sorority" girls
• That's not milk to calm pre-race jitters ... it's amphetamine-spiked moonshine!


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