Page 2
It has been awhile. We haven't used the Page 2 Showdown Simulator since Bush-Gore and Aguilera-Spears in the supercharged fall of 2000. But when the Royals started dropping games like spent cigarette butts these past three weeks, inspiring crusty, sweaty old men on bus stops and park benches to say, to no one in particular, "Losers? These guys aren't losers. You want to talk losers, let's talk the 1988 Baltimore Orioles. Now those guys could lose," we knew it was time to dust it off and crank it up.
Here now, the inning-by-inning results of Page 2's titanic sim clash between the Kansas City Royals of 2005 and the Baltimore Orioles of Nineteen Hundred and Eighty-Eight. (Played at Kauffman Stadium in Kansas City, Mo., because while the baseball is ugly there, the fountain is purty.)
Pregame: The start of the game is delayed 27 minutes as Cal Ripken Jr. and George Brett wait each other out in opposing dugouts, neither man wanting to be the first to take the field for a dual ceremonial first pitch. "I suffered through the streak in '88," Ripken says. "I earned the right to be the marquee loser. George is just a figurehead. The only thing he ever lost was his mind when they caught him with the pine tar." "Total kindergarten baby move on his part," Brett claims. "I'm surprised he didn't take a lap around the field in a stroller."
Top of the First: After a Tito Landrum popout and a Billy Ripken walk, the brothers Ripken are erased by an inning-ending double play. As the two walk off the field, Cal offers Billy advice on the proper, aggressive way to slide into second base. Billy tells Cal he's a "f--- face." Cal whacks him in the head with his glove and they throw down on the infield grass. Headlocks, noogies, a vicious melvin and several "You're just mad because Mom always liked me best" taunts ensue.
Bottom of the First: Royals forfeit the half-inning when it is determined that center fielder Chip Ambres is in fact not a major-league baseball player but a character in a "Sweet Valley High" novel for preteen girls.
Score: 0-0
Top Two: Eddie Murray refuses to speak. His teammates refuse to hit. Royals starter Jose Lima helps them out, however, walking three batters and hitting two others before being pulled for sight-impaired crooner Jose Feliciano with the bases loaded, two in and nobody out. "I felt I had to send a message," Lima says later. "Let them know it's Lima time." Feliciano strikes out the next three batters, distracting them by singing "Feliz Navidad" as he pitches. "I was confused," says Orioles right fielder Keith Hughes. "It's August; what the hell is he doing wishing me a Merry Christmas? I don't even know the guy."
Bottom Two: Mike Sweeney slips a disk walking from the on-deck circle to home plate. Buddy Bell replaces him with Ken Harvey, who is, it turns out, still on the DL. "Who am I kidding?" Bell mumbles to himself. "We're dead without Sweeney."
Score: 2-0, Baltimore.
Top Three: Frank Robinson challenges home plate umpire Eric Gregg on a called third strike to Fred Lynn and is ejected. "The pitch was center-cut," Robinson says. "I just wanted to get out of here."
