Your 15 minutes are about to elapse
Andy Warhol famously predicted everyone would have 15 minutes of fame in the future. Indeed, we as a society are getting dangerously close to proving him correct.
In a world of instant media gratification, seemingly anyone can be launched into temporary prominence moments after posting to Facebook, tweeting or making a YouTube spectacle. Ability is no longer required.
With that in mind, we urge the window of fame to gently close on the following individuals, places and ideals … before fate rudely slams it shut on their fingers.
of Country Music Awards.
Kimbo Slice
Slice skyrocketed into the mainstream sports world based almost entirely on YouTube fame and a memorable nickname. Still, when it came time for the MMA star to prove himself in front of a network TV audience, he went down in 14 seconds against a fighter two inches shorter and 30 pounds lighter. Now, he's taking a shot at the UFC, and in a few months we should be able to go back to calling him Kevin Ferguson.
Tom Brady's tiny hats
Page 2 has already examined in great detail the fact that tiny hats are never an indicator of competitive hunger. To regain his edge, we suggest Brady return to the brash headwear of his youth. Besides, miniature hats are so over. Miniature dogs, however, are all the rage.
Andre Smith
The ballyhooed left tackle from Alabama dominated less-talented opponents in 2008, but he was blasted for going missing at the NFL combine in February. He was suspended for the biggest game of his college career, the Sugar Bowl, allegedly for dealings with an agent. Alabama went on to lose to Utah, and Smith reportedly didn't even ultimately hire the agent in question. To be fair, perhaps Smith is simply misunderstood. But he's definitely underclothed.
Brett Favre's lawn tractor
When will the media ever leave this fine piece of machinery in peace? Certainly, Page 2 bears some … a lot … utter and complete responsibility for this. Still, we wonder if there's any truth to the rumor he's getting caught up in his clippings.
"Jon & Kate Plus 8"
Memo to the Gosselins: Dysfunction and infidelity are pedestrian in 2009. Your circumstances are extraordinary, but you are not. Nevertheless, we Americans can't get enough of a good train wreck. Nearly 10 million people tuned in for last week's episode, more than double the show's previous record. Stay tuned for next season's "Jon Minus Kate, Plus 8 Litigators."
Octomom
Where do we start? Nadya Suleman made a conscious decision to conceive through in vitro fertilization while unemployed and receiving public assistance. She makes getting tattoos a priority while her 14 children are waiting at home. She struck a reality TV deal to the surprise of exactly no one. She has a bizarre fixation with Angelina Jolie. How long before she procures a vial of Billy Bob Thornton's blood? Although, we think she's more likely to end up with this guy.
New Yankee Stadium
The most compelling description of the opulent new ballpark comes from Ben McGrath of The New Yorker, who described the team's inaugural loss at the stadium as "a moral smiting of the fools who spent one and a half billion dollars to build a replica of the world's most famous ballpark across the street from the perfectly serviceable real thing, and then stuffed it with Mohegan Sun Sports Bars and Jim Beam Suite Lounges, on the eve of the steepest recession in decades."
Darrius Heyward-Bey
James Jett, Dokie Williams, Teyo Johnson … Through little fault of his own, the rookie from Maryland seems destined to join the club.
Amy Winehouse
Currently tied with Usain Bolt for the world's most appropriate surname.
Steroid outrage
Page 2 readers made their voices heard loud and clear in this 2008 poll.
Levi Johnston
The best-case scenario for the baby daddy of the oldest Palin daughter is to be bartending five years from now at Darwin's Theory in Anchorage, where he can hopefully save enough in tips to get that "Bristol" tattoo removed.
Joe the Plumber
We bid him adieu … until he wins the 2012 Republican nomination.
Accountability
A quaint, obsolete virtue of a bygone era … at least that's what our friends in Memphis, Tallahassee and Los Angeles seem to be indicating. Allegedly.
Danica Patrick
Congratulations once again to Danica for becoming the first female driver to win on the IndyCar circuit. Your reward? The same attention as your male peers -- once a year at the end of May.
Susan Boyle
We're not going to dwell on the appearance of the Scottish songstress. Yes, she's hot. Everybody knows it. Smokin' hot, in fact. That's not the point. Looks take you only so far on Page 2. This is a place of substance, thank you.
Lady Gaga
Right now, you can hear her music over the PA at the health club. Next year, you'll hear it in a dentist's waiting room on the "Lite Hits of the '80s, '90s and Today!" station. Two years from now, you'll hear it at the supermarket. Five years from now, you'll hear it on VH1's "Celebrity Fit Club." Ten years from now, you'll hear it in an elevator.
Mannywood
Earlier this season, prior to Manny Ramirez's 50-game suspension for using a banned substance, the Dodgers held a promotion offering fans two left-field tickets and two "Mannywood" T-shirts for $99. The deal has since been revised to include two "90090" T-shirts. Perhaps those extra "Mannywood" tees could be shipped to Albuquerque, Chattanooga, San Bernardino and maybe even this place while he works his way back into game shape.
Athletes who want to record albums
… and musicians who want to play sports.
Athletes who Twitter
Somehow humans survived for eons without knowing that their favorite player is "Bouta work out."
The LeBron puppet
Obviously, he badly wants to be mentioned in the same breath as the Kobe puppet. Instead, it's going to be at least one more year of hanging out with Lil' Penny, Triumph the Insult Comic Dog and the rest of the ringless puppets stuck behind the velvet rope. If things don't work out next season, it might be time to think outside the box. Sign a one-year deal with a contender such as the Nuggets or Lakers? Or look to a talented young team with tons of cap space, such as the Thunder, to sign a long-term pact? Of course, the groupies in Oklahoma City are a bit different than those in other NBA locales.
Also receiving votes: Chris Andersen, Rod Blagojevich, Dwight Howard's complete lack of low-post moves, Lane Kiffin, Adam Lambert, lower back tattoos, Red Bull and vodka, Derrick Rose's SATs, Sudoku.
Thomas Neumann is an editor for Page 2.
