Quotes of the Year: Boorish and tactless
As a public service to sports fans everywhere, Page 2 perpetually keeps its ears open in order to compile the definitive annual collection of absurd, preposterous, laughable and ridiculous quotes.
Without further ado, Page 2 proudly presents its 2010 Quotes of the Year:
100. "You don't think I don't think they don't think about the bowl game?"
-- Illinois football coach Ron Zook, on his failed pep talk before a loss to Minnesota
Page 2 spin: If you think that's confusing, try saying "Beef 'O' Brady's Bowl Beach Bash boogie bickering" three times as fast as you can.
99. "A lot 'cause I am drunk."
-- Colts punter Pat McAfee, when asked how much he had to drink by Indianapolis police
Page 2 spin: No spin necessary. McAfee was found shirtless and soaking wet after taking a pre-dawn swim in a city canal, according to police.
98. "Grandma, don't cross my mound."
-- Yankees pitcher A.J. Burnett, commenting on Oakland's Dallas Braden celebrating with his grandmother after throwing a perfect game
Page 2 spin: Considering Burnett was 10-15 with a 5.26 ERA in 2010, this quote was probably the highlight of his season.
97. "His fellow coaches were holding him back and he turned around and pulled down his shorts. All I saw was his big [rear end]."
-- New York City high school football spectator David Sumter, on Boys and Girls High assistant coach Clive Harding
Page 2 spin: At least Mike Singletary had the decency to drop trou behind closed doors.
96. "If you're coming to get me, can you bring me some smokes?"
-- A 33-year-old resident of Lundar, Manitoba, who was told he would be arrested after repeatedly calling 911 to demand that the NHL return to Winnipeg
Page 2 spin: In a stunning turn, alcohol apparently was involved.
95. "We're going to win the division."
-- San Francisco 49ers president Jed York, after his team fell to 0-5 with a loss to the Eagles.
Page 2 spin: York's 49ers bio states he "has taken every step possible to improve the team's performance on the field." So there you have it 49ers fans: It is not possible for your team to acquire an NFL-caliber quarterback.
94. "Its a official dat i am leavin skool and enterin draft. ... i aint doin anotha yr."
-- Oklahoma point guard Tommy Mason-Griffin, declaring his career choice via Facebook
Page 2 spin: School will always be there, but you'd better take the opportunity to play in the D-League when it's available.
93. "I have never heard him order a Cobb salad. And I don't think you would be slandering him to say he is a beer guy."
-- Unnamed source, on New York Jets coach Rex Ryan
Page 2 spin: Not only do Ryan's blue-collar mannerisms endear him to Jets fans, they make him the heart and sole of the franchise.
92. "You can't tell me what to do -- I'm Snooki. Do you know who I am? I'm f------ Snooki. You can't do this to me. I'm f------ Snooki. You guys are going to be sorry for this. Release me!"
-- Nicole "Snooki" Polizzi of "Jersey Shore" fame, during a July arrest in Seaside Heights, N.J.
Page 2 spin: Something tells us Snooki would fit right in working for the Jets.
91. "I just smashed all my teeth out. ... I took one breath and it felt like my whole mouth was missing. ... I saw a couple fall out, and I had one in the back of my throat. I could feel it and coughed it out. A bunch of them disintegrated, it felt like."
-- Blackhawks defenseman Duncan Keith, on being hit in the mouth by a puck in Game 4 of the Western Conference finals
Page 2 spin: Keith returned after missing just 6½ minutes of game time, assisted on the tying goal and finished with a game-high 29:02 of ice time in a 4-2, series-clinching win over the Sharks.
90. "Once I win a couple of Masters and the U.S. Open, then we'll talk about life after golf."
-- "Big Break" contestant Andrew Giuliani, son of former New York mayor Rudy Giuliani
Page 2 spin: This is almost as good as when a federal magistrate quoted "Caddyshack" icon Carl Spackler while recommending dismissal of Andrew Giuliani's lawsuit against Duke University for kicking him off its golf team.
89. "Is that oil spill still going? Seriously ... How long has it been now?"
-- Heat forward Chris Bosh, 52 days after the start of the Deepwater Horizon oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico
Page 2 spin: This is not exactly a ringing endorsement for the societal value of Twitter.
88. "The fans are ruthless and don't deserve a winner."
-- Cardinals quarterback Derek Anderson, describing the fans of his previous team, the Browns
Page 2 spin: Presumably, Anderson thinks Browns fans take this [expletive] too serious.
87. "We might have just had the biggest day in Kentucky basketball history with a No. 1 pick and five first-round picks."
-- Kentucky basketball coach John Calipari, on the 2010 NBA draft
Page 2 spin: Those are bold words, considering Kentucky is the winningest program in college basketball and has won seven national championships. In Calipari's defense, he later said, "I wasn't talking to the past. I was talking of the future." Umm, the future of Kentucky basketball history?
86. "I can't wait to get out here wit these Boise State or should I say Girlse State they a bunch of cheerleaders ... lol."
-- Utah wide receiver DeVonte' Christopher, prior to playing Boise State in the MAACO Bowl Las Vegas
Page 2 spin: Boise State 26, Utah 3.
85. "We gonna sting they a-- next week."
-- Eagles wide receiver DeSean Jackson, before playoff matchup with Cowboys
Page 2 spin: Cowboys 34, Eagles 14.
84. "The internet's completely over. ... The internet's like MTV. At one time MTV was hip and suddenly it became outdated. Anyway, all these computers and digital gadgets are no good. They just fill your head with numbers and that can't be good for you."
Page 2 spin: We might take this statement seriously if it weren't for the fact Prince released his newest album for free through a newspaper ... and wrote that stunningly horrible song last season for the Vikings.
83. "This is a very valuable asset that was swindled away from me in an epic swindle."
-- Former Texas Rangers owner Tom Hicks, on losing ownership of Premier League soccer club Liverpool
Page 2 spin: This is the same guy who owed Mickey Tettleton more than $1 million in salary 13 years after he last played for the Rangers. So Hicks might not be the most credible source on financial matters.
82. "I still don't know how we won that championship."
-- Shaquille O'Neal, on the hard partying of the 2005-06 Miami Heat
Page 2 spin: It's probably just a coincidence that Danny Crawford officiated Miami's pivotal Game 3 win over Dallas in the 2006 NBA Finals and that the Mavericks are 2-16 in playoff games worked by Crawford during Mark Cuban's ownership.
81. "This thing, regarding USC and the NCAA, is the closest thing to death without dying."
-- Saints running back Reggie Bush, on major sanctions being levied against his alma mater
Page 2 spin: There's at least one thing Bush definitely didn't receive from would-be agents while at USC -- any perspective whatsoever.
Thomas Neumann is an editor for Page 2.