Quotes of the Year: Shocking and sweet
Hopefully, Part 1 of Page 2's Quotes of the Year whet your appetite for preposterous verbiage. Here's Part 2:
Page 2 spin: Something tells us Pierce won't be the last Heat opponent to play this card.
79. "Went to a nuclear weapon seminar session and was very interesting and eye-opening. It is scary how many nuclear weapons there are ..."
-- LPGA pro Michelle Wie
Page 2 spin: Ah, the power of a Stanford education.
78. "It reminded me of Barney Fife. They gave him a gun, but they won't let him put the bullet in there."
-- Former Florida State football coach Bobby Bowden, on the school offering to allow him to stay on as an "ambassador/coach"
Page 2 spin: Let's be honest. If Bowden was allowed to put the figurative bullet in the gun, it probably would sail wide right of the target.
77. "This world is full of lyars scum hypocrits and cowards not to mention corrupt politicians that's y the end is near. Look in the mirror."
-- Former baseball star Jose Canseco, igniting a Twitter war of words on April 19
76. "What motivated him to throw a puppy at the Hell's Angels is currently unclear."
-- a German police spokesman, describing an alleged crime in which the perpetrator also dropped his pants and fled on a stolen bulldozer
Page 2 spin: We can't even make this stuff up.
75. "I do not want to live in a country where any time a citizen or a corporation does something that is legitimately wrong is subject to some sort of political pressure."
-- Rep. Joe Barton (R-Texas), apologizing to BP after the Deepwater Horizon oil spill
Page 2 spin: Why so concerned with the environment, anyway? Clearly, Congress should be dealing with far more important issues -- such as the BCS.
74. "I had a lot of diarrhea."
-- Then-Yankees pitcher Chan Ho Park, explaining his health status to reporters
Page 2 spin: This one pretty much speaks for itself, but we advise you to watch Park explain it anyway.
73. "We are honored to be one of the select organizations to have been invited to meet with LeBron James and his team."
-- Clippers general manager Neil Olshey
Page 2 spin: Translation: We can't believe he actually is willing to meet face to face to laugh at us! We fully expected him to simply hang up and make fun of us behind our backs. Sweet!
72. "Will it help you hit a baseball? Let me put it to you this way. If Paris Hilton was to take that array, she could run over Dick Butkus."
-- Former steroid supplier Curtis Wenzlaff, on Mark McGwire saying he used performance enhancers to maintain his health
Page 2 spin: Maybe McGwire should've stuck to not talking about the past.
71. "That rehab show? I'm the sane one."
-- Former NBA star Dennis Rodman
Page 2 spin: Considering he shared the screen with Heidi Fleiss, Mindy McCready, Mackenzie Phillips and Tom Sizemore on "Celebrity Rehab," it's not difficult to believe Rodman on this one.
70. "The rent is too damn high!"
-- Jimmy McMillan, New York gubernatorial candidate
Page 2 spin: If McMillan thinks the rent is high, wait 'til he sees the price of Yankees tickets.
69. "What is Twitter?"
-- Former Cubs manager Lou Piniella
Page 2 spin: Baseball won't be quite the same without Sweet Lou.
68. "With the nagging back problems that plagued him throughout his career, [Larry] Bird is the first person who should sympathize with the millions of chickens who are killed for McDonald's -- chickens whose wings, legs and backs are routinely broken."
-- PETA director Dan Shannon, who describes himself as a lifetime Boston Celtics fan
Page 2 spin: Call us crazy, but this strikes us as a non sequitur.
67. "I'd honestly have to say at this point in time that the NHL is stronger than the NBA, clearly because it has a CBA in place that protects owners from taking stupid pills."
-- Capitals and Wizards owner Ted Leonsis
Page 2 spin: Stupid pills? Are you trying to tell us Rudy Gay isn't worth $80 million over five years?
66. "We find it interesting that satanic worship ... is moral, but LFL is not."
-- Lingerie Football League spokesman Stephon McMillen, on the mayor of Oklahoma City, Mick Cornett, saying he wouldn't allow the LFL to play there
Page 2 spin: LFL chairman Mitchell Mortaza piled on with this quote: "I thought our plans were for expansion into Oklahoma City, not North Korea."
65. "The money, first and foremost."
-- Bears running back Chester Taylor, on why he signed with Chicago
Page 2 spin: C'mon, you have to respect the man's honesty.
64. "Are you the stripper?"
-- A security guard at the Masters, to a female spectator
Page 2 spin: Guards at the tournament actually carried sheets with the mug shots of Tiger Woods' alleged mistresses in order to prevent potential disturbances. We thought only the TSA resorted to such tactics.
63. "Anybody who fights an [expletive] like James Toney or Herschel Walker or Jose Canseco or any of them other [expletive] that come into our sport at their age should be required to take them down and break as many bones as possible on them and keep them crippled for six to eight weeks."
-- Retired MMA fighter Don Frye
Page 2 spin: Apparently, retirement hasn't exactly mellowed Frye.
62. "I want to fight [Brock] Lesnar. I hate who he is as a person. I want to break his neck in the ring. I want him to be the first person that dies due to Octagon-related injuries. That's what's going through my mind."
-- Former MMA heavyweight champion Frank Mir
Page 2 spin: Mir later apologized for the comment, telling The Canadian Press he "got a little carried away" in trying to promote a future bout with Lesnar.
61. "We would advise anyone withdrawing cash from a machine to focus on what they are doing and not allow themselves to be distracted, however attractive the view."
-- A French police spokesman, describing an incident where one woman distracted a man at an ATM by baring her chest while another swiped his cash
Page 2 spin: Good advice, but easier said than done.
Thomas Neumann is an editor for Page 2.