Quotes of the Year: Profound and dense
You've made it this far, so let's get right to the top 25 selections of Page 2's Quotes of the Year for 2009:
25. "We are excited to add a player of Stephen's caliber to our franchise."
-- Bobcats general manager Rod Higgins, after trading for Stephen Jackson
Page 2 spin: An unfortunate choice of words, indeed. At least Higgins didn't call Jackson a "sharpshooter" as well.
24. "Before you say anything, just know I am the most powerful man in this building."
-- South Florida football coach Jim Leavitt
Page 2 spin: We're fairly certain Bill Lumbergh was actually the first person to utter these words.
23. "He could coach in the NBA right now."
-- Cavaliers center Shaquille O'Neal, on LeBron James
Page 2 spin: Is this a ringing endorsement of James or a distress signal to management about Mike Brown's lack of acumen?
22. "It wasn't blowing my blouse up."
-- Eagles coach Andy Reid, on his team's Wildcat offense generating 7 yards on six plays in a win over Tampa Bay
Page 2 spin: In the words of Page 2's DJ Gallo, "Oh gross."
21. "We don't have freedom of speech as coaches.
Maybe [President] Obama will change that rule, where we can talk."
-- Former USC basketball coach Tim Floyd, after a loss at Arizona State
Page 2 spin: You're not alone, Tim. We, too, think of disenfranchised Division I basketball coaches when pondering the oppression of human rights.
20. "I can visualize a Clippers parade. I'm telling you, I will win. I promise you that. I will find the combination."
-- Clippers owner Donald Sterling
Page 2 spin: We can picture a parade, too -- right down Figueroa Street if Sterling ever sells the team.
19. "This is a tease, man. It's like when you have a girlfriend and you are kissing her all over the place and you get to the Mambo, and she say no. That's where we are right now."
-- White Sox manager Ozzie Guillen, on falling into third place for good
Page 2 spin: Henry Wadsworth Longfellow. Walt Whitman. Ozzie Guillen.
18. "It was 2½ hours of satisfaction and then 2½ hours of horse [expletive] baseball. Go and ask them. I don't have any more quotes, seriously. What the [expletive] am I going to say? [Are] they horse [expletive]? Yes, they are."
-- White Sox manager Ozzie Guillen
Page 2 spin: Guillen provided the previous two quotes after the same game.
17. "I actually feel sorry for people who have nothing to do on Christmas Day other than watch an NBA game."
-- Orlando Magic coach Stan Van Gundy
Page 2 spin: Hey Stan, way to endear yourself to your most loyal customers!
16. "Cheech and Chong would have had a hard time smoking that much."
-- Butler County (Ohio) judge Craig Hedric, on former NBA player Corie Blount claiming 29 pounds of marijuana were for personal use
Page 2 spin: They would've had a hard time, but they would've tried.
14. "Not everybody is the perfect person in the world. Everyone does -- kills people, murders people, steals from you, steals from me."
-- Ohio State quarterback Terrelle Pryor
Page 2 spin: Cut Pryor some slack. It's entirely possible he's majoring in "Grand Theft Auto IV."
14. "I just have to create my own following up here in North America."
-- Terrell Owens, on signing with the Bills
Page 2 spin: Good thing he has two publicists. That should help. So would a GPS device.
13. "I don't think anyone on this team knows what 'schism' is, let alone could use it in a sentence. I thought it was an STD when I first heard it, and I thought 'Whoa, we preach abstinence in these parts.'"
-- Vikings defensive end Jared Allen
Page 2 spin: That's not what they preached before you got there, Jared.
12. "Why did I sign with the Nationals? When you go to a club at four in the morning, and you're just waiting, waiting, a 600-pounder looks like J. Lo. And to me this is Jennifer Lopez right here. It's four in the morning. Too much to drink. So, Nationals: Jennifer Lopez to me."
-- Nationals reliever Julian Tavarez
Page 2 spin: Sounds like a man who speaks from experience.
11. "After we warm up before a game, I gotta take a dump. It's a huge benefit to release that gas you don't need. The facilities are beautiful. We're spoiled. If I get a good one, I know I'm gonna score two touchdowns."
-- Jets running back Leon Washington
Page 2 spin: Leon, your teachers back in Jacksonville must be soooo proud.
10. "I'm Ko Simpson with the Buffalo Bills. I am worth millions!"
-- Lions safety Ko Simpson, then with the Bills
Page 2 spin: Simpson receives bonus points for sharing this gem with police in South Carolina mere hours into 2009.
9. "I hit a guy with my forearm in his throat or his chest area, and they're trying to fine me. It's football! It's not my fault if the guy curls up like a little girl because he doesn't want to get hit.
Football now is turning into a soft, pansy sport. This is not volleyball! This is not tennis!"
-- Former Patriots safety Rodney Harrison
Page 2 spin: Stay tuned. We're about to prove tennis is no pansy sport.
8. "I'm going to set up a foundation for the world. I'm going to take the money and start building cities all over the world. I'm a comet."
-- Former Knicks guard Stephon Marbury
Page 2 spin: We can't quite remember whether this was before or after the Vaseline-eating incident, but we suspect there's some sort of connection.
7. "I would probably need to apologize to her and hope she uses a driver next time instead of the 3-iron."
-- Pro golfer Jesper Parnevik, on Elin Woods
Page 2 spin: We're pretty sure Parnevik wasn't dispensing golf advice to Elin.
6. "I hope he does get back. The first thing I would do if I get back on the golf course, I would go looking for Jesper Parnevik and I would beat his a--
There is a line that you don't cross over."
-- Pro Football Hall of Famer Lawrence Taylor, on Tiger Woods
Page 2 spin: We're positive LT wasn't dispensing golf advice to Tiger.
5. "Jedis are very welcome to shop in our stores although we would ask them to remove their hoods.
Obi-Wan Kenobi, Yoda and Luke Skywalker all appeared hoodless without ever going over to the Dark Side.
If Jedis walk around our stores with their hoods on, they'll miss lots of special offers."
-- Unidentified spokesman for British supermarket chain Tesco, in response to accusations of discrimination against the Jedi "religion"
Page 2 spin: This is the spokesman Tiger should hire.
4. "I don't really have a Twitter policy. I don't know what it means; I don't know what it is. I don't know MyFace, Spacebook, Facebook stuff. I don't know what that is either."
-- Broncos coach Josh McDaniels
Page 2 spin: Thirty-three going on 70.
3. "The rumor that I keep a flask at my desk is not true."
-- PGA commissioner Tim Finchem, reacting to a "Saturday Night Live" skit in which he drank at his desk because of Tiger Woods' personal issues
Page 2 spin: Notice Finchem didn't say anything about the break room.
2. "You think we've never arrested somebody that's made national media?
We deal with the Bengals all the time."
-- Unidentified Cincinnati police officer
Page 2 spin: Would the author of this quote please reveal himself? Page 2 wants to offer you a job.
1. "I'm [expletive] going to take this [expletive] ball and shove it down your [expletive] throat, you hear that?"
-- Serena Williams, to a U.S. Open lineswoman, resulting in an unsportsmanlike conduct violation which cost Williams the final point of her semifinal loss against Kim Clijsters
Page 2 spin: Ding! Ding! Ding! We have a winner. Take that, Rodney Harrison.