EDITOR'S NOTE: On occasion, we all need help. But where to turn? Fortunately, Rachel Nichols brings us the special kind of advice only the world's greatest athletes can dole out. Long before his Game 7 homers made him the hero of Red Sox Nation, Johnny Damon tried his hand at being Boston's own Dear Abby. Here was his advice -- and since he turned out to be right about the whole Sox-suffering thing being over, you might want to listen.
RACHEL: So how does it feel to be sitting on the throne of wisdom?
RACHEL: OK, so maybe you're on the recliner of wisdom. Let's go back to the start of your advice career -- what's the best advice anyone gave you growing up?
JOHNNY: Just have a good time. And I've worked really hard at following that advice. Hey, I do what I'm told.
RACHEL: You're quite a trooper. So are you ready? We get questions from far and wide here. This one is from William in Tokyo. He writes, "I'm a huge fan of the Cubs, plus I follow the Red Sox, too. Should I just hold up a bank and then take myself out?"
JOHNNY: The Cubs will win at some point. Don't worry. As for us, it's something that's going to be done here soon, so he doesn't need to take himself out. The end is near. The suffering will be over.
RACHEL: How many people come up to you and say, "I'm waiting for you to win"?
JOHNNY: Oh, we get it every day. You have 5-year-old kids who say, "This is the year!" They haven't been beaten down yet the way the older people have. But we also get people saying they're waiting for us to win so they can die. It's like, "OK, no pressure."
RACHEL: Well, that gives last year a bright side -- you kept a lot of people alive in the Boston area. Do you think once you guys do win, the next day 70 people in New England are just going to drop dead?
JOHNNY: It'll be more like 70,000. But a lot of those will be because of sudden liver failure.
RACHEL: Round up the beer. OK, let's get back to America's problems. This is from Myer Stephens in Nevada. He says, "The guys I play soccer with think I'm too cutthroat, just because I sometimes kick them when I'm going to get the ball for myself. They say I need to channel my aggression some other way. What do you recommend?"
JOHNNY: Let's see, if you're in Vegas, just go out to a casino at 4 in the morning, I'm sure there are a lot of people there looking for fights. You can't be kicking your own teammates, man. I mean, if you're really having a hard time, take some karate classes. Then you can kick anything you want.
RACHEL: Mr. Miyagi's anger management therapy. This could be a whole new line of work for Pat Morita. Although I'm not sure he does Nevada. We have to check on that.
Next up is Gerald Boulaine in Norfolk, Va. He says, "My kid is so uncoordinated he can't tie his own shoes, but he wants to play sports. What should he start out in?"
JOHNNY: See, I'm going to have to go with karate again.
RACHEL: And now I'm thinking you have a thing for Uma Thurman. Or Ralph Macchio.
JOHNNY: Let's just say there's not much discipline in my life, so karate was something I could have used growing up. And, in karate, you don't need to wear shoes, so the guy's kid would be fine.
RACHEL: I'm all about the velcro. There's nothing that screams cool and hip like velcro. OK, this is from Ricky DeJesus from Lodi, New Jersey. He says, "I am a high school football referee, so when someone spills a drink at parties, I've been known to whistle and scream 'party foul.' My family and friends have called this 'embarrassing,' but it always gets a laugh. Are they being too sensitive or could I possibly be wrong?"
JOHNNY: Hey, I get that called on me all the time, especially on the team charters. I've drenched my pants spilling a drink more than once. I get off the charter and it looks like I've wet myself.
RACHEL: Women of America, look at what you're missing. I'm sure there are other party fouls on the team plane, but they involve nakedness, so we can't talk about those.
JOHNNY: Or we can.
RACHEL: Hey -- or we can. Speaking of those crazy high jinks, John Smollick in St. Louis writes, "I want an herb garden. What do you suggest I start off planting?"
JOHNNY: Yeah, I can't answer that.
RACHEL: Maybe he doesn't mean those kinds of herbs.
JOHNNY: There is no other answer to that question.
RACHEL: Do you have a garden?
JOHNNY: We're in an apartment. We have a garage downstairs.
RACHEL: That's like a garden. For cars.
RACHEL: OK, before the recliner of wisdom closes for business, we ask the same final question: What's the best advice you can give?
JOHNNY: Don't listen to other people -- live life on your own terms. And don't look to your left.
Got an issue or a question, or otherwise need to be 'Ill-Advised' in the future? Send it to Rachel Nichols right here.