EDITOR'S NOTE: On occasion, we all need help. But where to turn? Fortunately, Rachel Nichols is here to bring us the special kind of advice that only the world's greatest athletes can dole out. Whether to take it or not ... well, that's up to you. Today's Ill-Advised expert: Jeremy Shockey, New York Giants tight end.
RACHEL: Jeremy Shockey. Tight end. Man about town. Advice giver. This is the column where we tell the people what to go do with themselves. And not in a Philadelphia-fans-with-Santa kind of way. Are you ready?
JEREMY: Bring it on.
RACHEL: So each week, we start with this question: What's the best advice anyone has ever given you?
JEREMY: The best advice anyone's ever given me is that it's never as bad as it seems, and it's never as good as you think. If you're playing a game, if you're in some situation in life ...
RACHEL: If you get an ugly Christmas gift ...
JEREMY: Right. Don't get too high, but don't get too low either. You can always return it.
RACHEL: Or re-gift. Very important. Now, our first question is from Kevin in Billings, Montana. He says, "I just had a baby, but there's no pro sports teams where I live. So I figure I can teach him to be a fan of anyone in the country. It's a big responsibility. What team do you suggest besides your own?"
JEREMY: Well, you're going to want to go with a winning team, and someone out west because it's Montana. So I'm going to say the Lakers, because they always win and they play on that little circuit out there. Is Kobe still on the team?
RACHEL: Not a basketball fan, I see.
JEREMY: I thought he got traded.
RACHEL: That would be Shaq.
JEREMY: Right. I'm a little busy with that football thing they call a job. It's cutting into my basketball viewing time. I'm trying to get [Sacramento Kings owners] the Maloofs to let me come play basketball. I can be like a sub, or a just a rebounder. I don't have to score, just hurt the best player on the other team. Stay on the sideline, and when he goes to the basket, just run into him.
RACHEL: Excellent strategy. All right, our next one is from your town, New York. Tom Prince writes, "I just moved here and I like it, but every club I go to has crazy lines outside. What's your advice for getting past the ropes?"
JEREMY: See, this is a city where you have to make big plans. Now I stay in Dirty Jersey, so I wouldn't necessarily know.
RACHEL: Oh good. Andy Roddick made fun of Omaha a few months ago in this column, and now we've lost New Jersey. You guys are killing me.
JEREMY: Completely a term of endearment. No, but I think Tom has to just get himself into the circuit, hang out where the models live and try to pick up a girl. You can't go to the club with a lot of guys. If you go with two or three girls, you're guaranteed to get in. He's also got to make sure he's into the right place. That's very important.
RACHEL: If you had a club, what would be the theme?
JEREMY: See, I don't know, because if I did have a club, I'd want to be there all the time and run it.
RACHEL: One more thing to cut into your basketball viewing.
JEREMY: Right. Once again, it's this job I have, this football thing. It's keeping me too busy for everything.
RACHEL: So our next question is from one of the youth out there. You must educate him. Marc Shelton in Atlanta writes, "I'm about to start playing basketball for school. I feel pretty good about my game, but I don't know any good trash talk. Know any proven winners?"
JEREMY: I think you have to let your game talk for you. I mean, in basketball, you can't run them over like in football. I mean, in football, you can make someone really mad; and if they punch you, you've got a helmet on. But in basketball, I don't think I'd say anything about anyone's mother.
RACHEL: Perhaps too risky. Although I feel, Marc, it's worth finding out. Now this one may win the prize for the strangest question we've ever had at Ill Advised. And by the way, that is not an invitation for strange questions, folks. Just had to make the point -- it's from Collin in D.C., and he says "I'm deathly afraid of melted ice cream. What should I do?"
JEREMY: I gotta ask what Collin is doing with the ice cream. All I've ever gotten is an ice cream headache, but I can't say that's really scary.
RACHEL: Maybe he needs to spend some time with the ice cream as it's melting. Like start with a milkshake and work his way up.
JEREMY: Or find a psychiatrist, maybe.
RACHEL: The man speaks: Collin, get help. And stay away from the Rocky Road. OK, this next one is from Julie Rhoden in Burlington, Vt. She says, "I'm a lifelong Red Sox fan, and now that Boston has won the World Series, I don't know what to do with all the time I used to spend complaining about how they never won the World Series. I'm happy about it; I just need some new ways to spend my time."
JEREMY: Root for the Giants. We need all the help we can get.
RACHEL: She could root for the Celtics. That'll give her plenty of heartache to deal with.
JEREMY: Yeah, she can't do the Patriots. They could make her too happy.
RACHEL: Here's one from Pete in Seattle. He says, "Due to the shortage of flu vaccines, I'm terrified to shake people's hands, or give anyone a high-five at sporting events. But I don't want to be rude. What should I do?"
JEREMY: Seattle? C'mon guy, get into your car -- the biggest uncontrolled border in the world is right there, Canada. Just go up there, get your flu shot and come back down.
RACHEL: You want him to steal from someone else's socialized medicine? That's nice.
JEREMY: No, not steal. He can pay for it. And you can get more than a flu shot up in Canada. I mean, that's what I've heard. I wouldn't know.
RACHEL: Of course not. OK, the final question we ask every week is this: What's your best advice for the people out there?
JEREMY: Don't eat yellow snow.
RACHEL: Well. Run into that often?
JEREMY: Hey, that's good advice.
RACHEL: What about, "Always be five minutes early?"
JEREMY: Now that is excellent advice, especially around here.
RACHEL: So I've heard. But I have a question about that. If the rule on the Giants is to be five minutes early to a meeting, but the clocks around here are also all set five minutes ahead, do you actually have to be 10 minutes early to a meeting?
JEREMY: Yeah, I'm still trying to figure that out myself. The problem is that every clock in this building is set a little bit different. And you don't want to show up six minutes early, because that's just too early.
RACHEL: Then you're unfashionable.
JEREMY: But if you're four minutes early, you get fined. So you just have to sort of hang out by the door, wait for the flock to come in, and then jump in there. That's my advice. Stick to it.
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