Page 2 staff


It was a wild night in Oakland on Monday. And we're not talking about Eric Chavez's game-winning hit in the bottom of the 10th inning.

"Hey, it's not our fault 'The O.C.' doesn't come back until after the playoffs!"

We're talking about the part-bullpen, part-Jerry Springer Show, part-WWE Smackdown that went on in the ninth inning.

OK, here's what everyone knows: After a heated exchange with some Oakland fans out by the bullpen, Rangers reliever Frank Francisco threw a chair into the stands, hitting a woman on the head.

But that can't be the whole story. With only that to go on, we have plenty more questions than answers right now: Who started it? What did they say? Will the cursing be picked up if I hit the closed-caption button? Will they curse in Spanish if I hit the SAP button?

Luckily, we brought the tape to the Page 2 Forensics Lab located on the set of "CSI: Bristol" and were able to pick up a few more tidbits about what went down.

Here's the good, the bad and the ugly ...

Top 10 things heard in the Rangers bullpen
10. "No, you can't have my autograph, but you can have my chair."

9. "Remember, lift the chair with your legs. You don't want to hurt your back."

8. "Don't mess with us, people. We're full of steroids and could snap at any time."

7. "These fans are crazy! I bet Steinbrenner signs them in the offseason."

6. "I told you guys not to do your Derek Lowe impressions tonight."

5. "You guys realize we added Jeff Nelson in the offseason, right?"

4. "Joke's on you. Because we broke that chair and management will have to replace it, you guys probably won't be able sign Hudson."

3. "Damn. There's trouble brewing and I left my "What Would Karim Garcia Do" bracelet at home."

2. Rangers reliever Frank Francisco to Rangers reliever Francisco Cordero: "Dude, which one of us do you think they're talkin' about?"

1. "You are a complete A's-hole."

Buck Showalter
"Right, the person that takes over for me wins the series. That's just how it works."

Top 10 things heard in the stands
10. "It says on the fans' tickets that they should watch for objects flying into the stands. Nobody says it has to be the ball."

9. "Man! You must really suck to not even make the Rangers starting rotation."

8. "I'm never coming to 'Throw A Chair At The Fans Night' again."

7. "What are you gonna do? Find some guy named Walker on the team to beat us up?"

6. "Go ahead and throw the chair; everything you guys throw ends up in the bleachers, anyway."

5. "Better not let Chan Ho try and hit us. You guys don't have enough chairs down there."

4. "Welcome to 'Ligue Family Reunion' night at the old ballpark."

3. "Buck you, Showalter!"

2. "Sorry, big misunderstanding. We thought you were the Mariners."

1. "These baseball games sure are a great way to warm up for next week's Raiders home opener!"