Page 2

Malcolm Glazer
Keep smiling, Malcolm! Being burned in effigy is a compliment in the UK.

Like it or not, Buccaneers owner Malcolm Glazer has added another team to his stable of riches -- soccer juggernaut Manchester United.

And needless to say, Man U fans couldn't be less pleased with a Yank calling the shots.

That's where we come in. Why? Because here at Page 2, there is nothing we care more about than making sure that billionaire sports owners look good.

So, we thought we would help Mr. Glazer avoid any further miscommunication with the Man U fans by sorting out the slight differences between life in the colonies and life in the UK.

And before you ask, no -- we have never seen Malcolm Glazer and James Lipton in the same room together. Hmmm ...


MALCOLM GLAZER'S UK-US CONVERSION CHART
Category  
U.S.
 
U.K.
Victoria Beckham:   Can be seen on VH1's "Where Are They Now?"   Can be seen on every magazine, TV show and ad in the UK
Extra pounds:   What bad players get fined for   What good players get awarded
Pewter mug shot:   Picture of Michael Pittman being arrested in his Bucs colors.   A pint of beer and a belt of whiskey
MLS:   Major League Soccer   Minor League Soccer
Offsides:   When an NFL defender jumps before the snap   When an attacking player enters the defending team's half of the pitch, nearer the opponents' goal line ... Whatever, go ask Freddie Adu.
Red Army:   Obsolete slang for the Soviet Union's armed forces   Current slang for Man U. fans (think Red Sox Nation)
Riot:   What crazed American fans do when their team wins.   What most English fans do when their team plays.
The Pond:   Where the Mighty Ducks would play -- if the NHL existed   The Atlantic Ocean
Yankees:   A brash, arrogant bunch who act like the world revolves around them -- which, for good or ill, it pretty much does.   A brash and arrogant bunch who act like the world revolves around them -- which, for good or ill ... Well, you know.
Fine Dining:   Expensive certified Angus Beef steak from Don Shula's Steak House.   Fish and chips at the local pub.
Neville Brothers:   Arthur, Charles, Aaron and Cyril, R&B crooners.   Gary and Phil, defenders on Man U.
Chelsea:   The daughter of former President Bill Clinton.   Rival team currently in first place in the Premiership.
Hooligan:   Commonly associated with fans of the Philadelphia Eagles.   Commonly associated with fans of Liverpool.
Making a pass:   Main problem the Bucs have with their offense.   Main problem David Beckham has with his nannies.
Coldplay:   A game played in Green Bay in December.   Popular band fronted by whiny lead singer married to skinny American actress who acts like she's British.