A look behind the curtain of Patriots espionage   

Updated: September 12, 2007, 8:39 PM ET

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Belichick Deflects Questions on Videotaping

As news continues to develop regarding allegations that the Patriots spied on the Jets during Sunday's game at the Meadowlands, Page 2 tapped into its extensive network of sources to reveal further details of New England's espionage.

• In a marketing coup through stadium sponsor Gillette, all Gillette razors sold nationwide are bugged and outfitted with GPS devices.

• Each one of Asante Samuel's dreadlocks is a stick of dynamite.

• Laurence Maroney's gold teeth come from his apprenticeship under Jaws.

Kurt Snibbe

Kurt Snibbe

• Tom Brady can burn through locks with his smoldering eyes.

• The apostrophe in Donte' Stallworth's name is actually is a listening device.

• Vince Wilfork conceals a surveillance van underneath his jersey.

• Former wide receiver Reche Caldwell's eyeballs were actually surveillance cameras, but like his hands, they malfunctioned in the AFC Championship Game.

• Bill Belichick has hired Bill Belichick to maintain surveillance on Bill Belichick. (No one else can be trusted to handle such a sensitive assignment.)

• Belichick has the wives of 24 NFL coaches on his payroll.

• Defensive lineman Le Kevin Smith, offensive lineman Logan Mankins and wide receiver Jabar Gaffney are clearly using ridiculous aliases.

Kurt Snibbe

Kurt Snibbe

• Team bus equipped with smoke screen and oil slick devices.

• Adalius Thomas was signed from the Ravens to head New England's organized crime division.

• Ted Johnson knew too much, and we suspect Belichick had his memory erased.

• The entire Cincinnati Bengals' roster has been outfitted with tracking bracelets.

• An operative working inside the Dolphins organization executed Miami's trade for 37-year-old quarterback Trent Green.

• WR/DB/KR Troy Brown is a shape-shifter who can spy by becoming players on other teams.

• Tedy Bruschi is a superhero (but that's no secret).

• Wide receiver Wes Welker was signed primarily because he's able to fit in crawl spaces and doggie doors at opposing teams' headquarters.

Sound off to Page 2 here.


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