Commentary

Predicting the future sports babies

Originally Published: July 8, 2009
By Rick Paulas | Page 2

It's a tradition that reaches as far back as when the first caveman who could throw a rock the farthest went home with the first cavelady who was, for whatever reason, the biggest celebrity on that side of the river. Celebrities and athletes date each other. From Joe DiMaggio and Marilyn Monroe to our latest love connection between Hank Baskett and Kendra Wilkinson, there's something about these two personality types that make them compatible. (Unless you're talking about Dennis Rodman and Carmen Electra, of course.) But what should we expect when these couples decide to have children? What kinds of attributes and qualities will make their way to the next generation? Let's make a few predictions for how the offspring of certain athlete-celebrity couples will fare:

[+] EnlargeKendra Wilkinson
Mark Sullivan/WireImageWhat? You wanted a picture of Hank Baskett?

Hank Baskett and Kendra Wilkinson
Hugh Baskett, named after his indestructible godfather Hugh Hefner, will have the strong hands and large frame of his father while sporting the superhuman balance and agility of his top-heavy mother. In other words, he'll basically be Paul Bunyan and our only hope against the eventual, and inevitable, war against the machines.

David Beckham and Posh Spice
The Child, who will not have an official name but will instead be referred to by the most popular baby name each year, will leave the womb already sporting multiple tattoos on each arm, like his father. However, the only way doctors will be able to see the infant's ink is by rolling up the sleeves on his designer sweater, which also was created in the womb. The Child will never experience a bad hair day, not even in the throes of a hurricane.

Tony Romo and Jessica Simpson
There are two ways this can turn out for the youngster: Either the kid will have the motor skills and poise of Romo with the vocal power and on-stage charisma of Simpson. Or the child will come equipped with the inability to get an extra point while never being able to distinguish the difference between chicken and tuna. Unfortunately, even if it's the best-case scenario, the kid will still have Joe Simpson as a grandfather and Pete Wentz as an uncle.

Reggie Bush and Kim Kardashian
Whatever the gender, the child will have its father's speed and swift maneuvering ability, which will come in handy when trying to get out of gatherings with the rest of the Kardashian clan.

Tom Brady and Gisele BŁndchen
According to a book of scripture lost long ago to the hazards of time, this wonder child will be a male who will end up mating with Shiloh Jolie-Pitt to create the epitome of the human genome, a creature that will lead us into the next step of our evolution and, possibly, life in a distant galaxy. However, if the child does come out female -- long-lost scriptures tend to make less sense the more they're translated -- she'll still live a life of comfort, combining his poise under pressure and her umlaut.

[+] EnlargeEva Longoria
Eric Ryan/Getty ImagesAt least Eva's baby won't suffer the dysfunction of growing up on Wisteria Lane.

Tony Parker and Eva Longoria
Although much about the child's life is cloudy -- possibly because of Parker's French heritage and this predictor's inability to speak that language of love -- there are two already-known definites about the Parker-Longoria offspring: (1) The child will be diminutive yet full of spunk, the Kelly Ripa of the preschool set; (2) the child will be a member of an ensemble that has no business being as successful as it is.

Pete Sampras and Bridgette Wilson
A soft-spoken child, the Sampras-Wilson girl will be cast aside for the flashier exploits of the long-haired class clown (who may or may not be a descendant of the House of Agassi) despite being the more physically gifted of the pair. However, as she grows older, she'll see something special in that class clown and fall in love. Years later, when the same class clown leaves her for his first love, the daughter of Brooke Shields, she will debate where exactly her life went so wrong.

Ashley Judd and Dario Franchitti
A baby with a lead foot who's always confused with Charlize Theron's kid.

Jeff Garcia and Carmella DeCesare
Tenacious, with a fierce competitive streak, the child will stay in his or her chosen profession and be relatively productive for much longer than anticipated. However, despite being well-respected from all sides, not a day will go by that the child does not have to guarantee to someone that, yes, a Playmate of the Year married Dad. Eventually, the child will learn to carry around a laminated copy of the marriage certificate.

Derek Jeter and [Fill In The Blank]
The dark-haired boy -- an attribute from the mother, who no doubt will be a brunette, no matter who she turns out to be -- will spend kindergarten being picked first for every sport before the nerds start pointing out how overrated he is, causing the young Jeter to be picked last. From that point, he will be forever underrated, just like his old man.