Page 2 staff
Recently, the biggest names in Philadelphia sports -- Allen Iverson, Terrell Owens, Larry Bowa and Jeremy Roenick -- agreed to meet for lunch. Philly's finest met at a location familiar to the people of Philadelphia. It's where 9th Street crosses Wharton and Passyunk Avenue, the location of two Philly landmarks -- Pat's King of Steaks and Geno's Steaks.
Page 2 happened to be there to see what happened ...
BOWA: OK, everyone here? Great, let's get moving. Where we gonna go? Pat's or Geno's? Come on, come on. Let's go! I'm starvin' you idiots! Pat's or Geno's! What is wrong with you?! Iverson, where do you ... Where the hell is AI?
OWENS: Damn! That looks good!
BOWA: What? Geno's? Fine, we'll go to Geno's.
OWENS: Nah, man. Me! Look, over there in that window. You can see my pecs right through my shirt. Lookin' at me should not be free, I'll tell you that. Mmmm, mmmm!
BOWA: Consider this your first lesson about Philly --- SHUT UP! Hey, Jeremy, wasn't sure you could make it. That was a nasty hit you took. Anyway, it's your call. Where we goin'?
ROENICK: Let's get right to the forecast. Even though spring is here it will be mostly sunny but brisk, with highs in the lower 40s. Tonight, look for partly cloudy skies and lows in the 30s. Chance of showers later in the week and I'll have that in my full forecast at 11.
BOWA: You morons are killing me! Kids today don't know how to do it right! That's it! We're going to Pat's! Does everyone know how to order? If you don't know how to order correctly you'll be as popular as Michael Irvin.
[Bowa's voice is drowned out by a heavy bass groove in the distance. As it gets louder and louder a fully pimped out black Cadillac Escalade comes around the corner and stops in front of Pat's. Allen Iverson steps out of the passenger side as Rasheed Wallace rolls down his window.]
|How to order the Philly way|
(From I.M. Hungry of Pat's King of Steaks)
How to order a cheesesteak:
WALLACE: No worries, AI. I grew up here and this is the city of brotherly love and you know me, anything to help out a brother in need. Hey, AI, you mind pickin' me up a little something? I've been starvin' all day. Make it two. I know I'll be hungry later.
BOWA: Iverson, where the hell have you been? We're starvin' to death waiting for you. Now come on, we're going to practice how to order so we don't look like idiots.
IVERSON: Hey, man, get off my back. I was busy. You know my wife isn't going to throw herself outside naked in the middle of the night. I got responsibilities! And what are you talkin' about? You're talkin' about practice, man. Practice. I mean, that's what you're worried about? Practice? C'mon, man ... practice?
BOWA: OK ladies, here's the deal. Here's how it's done -- tell them if you want it with or without onions, and what kind of cheese you want. I take mine with onions and Cheez Whiz so I'll say: "Whiz wit," give the man my money and be on my way. Hot peppers are over there on the counter.
OK, you guys give it a try.
OWENS: TO is gonna sit this one out. I'm waitin' for my agent -- he's suppose to pick me up any second to take me to this kick-ass St. Patrick's Day party.
BOWA: What?! You're late, you moron! That was last week.
IVERSON: I've been here for years. I ain't gotta practice anything. You hear that, Bowa! Why don't you tell the hockey guy to practice. Practice, man ... I can't believe we're still talkin' about practice.
ROENICK: Let me tell you. We gotta play 'em one day at a time. I'm just happy to be here and hope I can help the ballclub. I just wanna give it my best shot and, Good Lord willing, things'll work out.
[After Bowa gets his order and sits down, the rest go up for their food.]
IVERSON: I'll have cheesesteak mutha ... Hey, aren't you the dude that played Rocky?
SLYVESTER STALLONE: Yo! You want onions with that? What cheese you want? Don't make me sic my dog Butkus on you!
IVERSON: Man, what are you doin' working the register at Pat's Steaks?
STALLONE: Yo! You ever pay a mortgage on a beachfront home in Miami? No? I guess you didn't catch "Get Carter," "Cop Land" or "Driven" either. So until I get that residual check from the DVD release of "Stop! Or My Mom Will Shoot!" I gotta make ends meet. Yo! You want onion or not?
IVERSON: Do I look like I want onions? I don't know any three-time scoring champs who want onions. I don't know any Olympians who want onions. I don't know any MVPs who want onions.
STALLONE: Back of the line! Get this bum out of here! Next! What do you want?
ROENICK: Are you ready kids? Aye-aye Captain. I can't hear you ... Aye-Aye Captain!! Oh! Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? SpongeBob SquarePants! Absorbent and yellow and porous is he! SpongeBob SquarePants! If nautical nonsense be something you wish ... SpongeBob SquarePants! Then drop on the deck and flop like a fish! SpongeBob SquarePants! Ready? SpongeBob SquarePants! SpongeBob SquarePants! SpongeBob SquarePants! SpongeBob ... SquarePants! Haha.
[Rush Limbaugh approaches from Geno's steaks across the street.]
RUSH: Good day, gentlemen. I see you're enjoying your cheesesteaks. I just came from Geno's and let me tell you something. I think Geno's is overrated. Just because a cheesesteak is from Philly, everyone thinks it's the best. And ...
[Rush is hit in the back of the head three times by cans of Chunky soup. Donovan McNabb is outside the front door, giving high-fives to the gathered crowd. A fourth can lands five yards short of Owens.]
BOWA: Thanks for getting the napkins, TO.
OWENS: Napkins? I just wanted to see my reflection in the dispenser. "Hey T.O. ... how you doin' Damn! You look fine!"
BOWA: Owens, you are killing me! Keep this crap up and I will run you out of here faster than Scott Rolen!
[Everything stops when who should come around the corner? The symbol of holiday cheer and good will to men -- Santa Claus.]
IVERSON: It's Santa! Get 'im!
BOWA: You're as good as dead, Kringle!
ROENICK: Attention passengers, all carry-on luggage must fit under the seat in front of you or in the overhead storage bins. In addition, please refrain from using all portable electronic devices until the captain has notified us that it is safe.
OWENS: (thinking) Hmm ... what would Ray Lewis do?
STALLONE: (singing) "It's the eye of the tiger, it's the cream of the fight. Risin' up to the challenge of our rivals -- and the last known survivor stalks his prey in the night and he's" ... You're mine, Santa!
[The crowd rushed towards a defenseless Santa Claus. After a valiant struggle, the people of Philadelphia get the better of him. He is found days later by the authorities in the rubble of Veterans Stadium.]
Mike Philbrick is a rare contributor to Page 2 when he's not thinking of new reasons to hate the Yankees. E-mail him at email@example.com.