Commentary

Page 2's Academy Awards of sports

Originally Published: March 8, 2010
By Mike Philbrick | Page 2

Every year, the sports world tries in vain to take itself as seriously as the people who dress up and play pretend make films. If the goal is to truly emulate that fine industry, everyone in sports should start by replacing all the current trophies and medals for athletes. MVP this, Most Outstanding that, gold, silver … whatever.

Here are a few awards Page 2 would have handed out Sunday night if we ran the Academy Awards of sports … and had to use the same lame categories as the Oscars:

Best animated feature film of the year: Serena Williams for getting a little upset at the 2009 U.S. Open.

Achievement in art direction: Baylor football coach Art Briles for, well, being Art.

Achievement in sound mixing: Jaimee Grubbs for "Huge. Quickly. Bye."

Achievement in makeup: Whoa … this guy.

Achievement in cinematography: Major League Baseball, for realizing that it's important to get the call right.

Achievement in costume design: This goes to everyone except the minds behind the Utah Jazz's green unis.

Best documentary short subject: Nate Robinson for winning the Slam Dunk Contest, but mostly for being listed at 5-foot-9.

Best foreign language film of the year: Any recorded conversation of Ozzie Guillen.

Achievement in music (original score): "O Canada" following Sidney Crosby's gold medal-winning OT goal in the 2010 Olympics.

Achievement in music (original song): Ron Artest for "Michael, Michael."

Best motion picture of the year: Shaun White's Double McTwist 1260 in the 2010 Olympics.

Performance by an actor in a leading role: Brett Favre for pretending he wanted to retire.

Performance by an actor in a supporting role: Brett Favre for sending the Saints to the Super Bowl.

Best live action short film: This guy for getting his proposal rejected … even though it turned out to be a ruse.

Achievement in visual effects: "Boogie" the barber for Ron Artest's haircut.

Original screenplay: Beno Udrih of the Kings for giving Sacramento a two-point lead against the Lakers with seconds remaining.

Adapted screenplay: Kobe Bryant of the Lakers for giving Los Angeles a one-point lead against the Kings with no seconds remaining.

Thomas Neumann and DJ Gallo contributed to this article.

Mike Philbrick is an editor for Page 2 and the co-host of the Page 2 Podcast. You can contact him at michael.w.philbrick@espn3.com.


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Mike Philbrick is an editor for Grantland.