A history lesson with Rick Pitino
After invoking 9/11 in his first news conference regarding his relationship with Karen Cunagin Sypher, Louisville men's basketball coach Rick Pitino brought up Ted Kennedy's death Wednesday while ripping the media for adding to the hell his family is experiencing. "Everything that's been printed, everything that's been reported, everything that's been breaking in the news on the day Ted Kennedy died is 100 percent a lie, a lie," Pitino said (emphasis added).
Is there anywhere this man won't go in excusing his behavior? No national death or tragedy he will not invoke? Does he have any shame? Apparently not, as seen in an advance copy of "Rick Pitino's United States History Book and Dating Guide" obtained by Page 2's dubious network of sources. Some highlights:
Chapter 3: 1776-83 -- Conceiving in Liberty
The colonies win independence in the Revolutionary War. Americans are so joyful at their newly acquired liberty that inn-owning women everywhere boast that George Washington "slept here." Word of warning: You don't get to be the father of our country by actually sleeping, especially without protection. Always be prepared before crossing the Delaware.
Chapter 6: 1861-65 -- The War Between the Sheets
The country is torn asunder by a bloody four-year civil war that divides the nation, pits brother against brother and kills half a million men. On the other hand, this really raises the female-to-male ratio in this country, and chicks always dig a man in uniform.
Chapter 9: 1920-33 -- Prohibition, Not Inhibition
The United States bans the manufacture and sale of alcohol for consumption. No drinks for the ladies? Not good for the average man's game. But despite the alcohol ban, many speakeasies crop up throughout the country. Some are housed in restaurants after normal operating hours. Restaurants, I might add, with very comfortable tables.
Chapter 10: 1929-38 -- Sister, Can You Spare a Good Time?
The country is devastated by the Great Depression, putting millions out of work and ruining countless lives. But breadlines provide an excellent place to hook up with women who will jump at the chance to go to a restaurant with you, even after closing hours.
Chapter 11: 1939-45 -- The U.S. Makes the World Safe for Nookie
The arsenal of liberty wins World War II and gives sailors everywhere a chance for a little action. Moral of the story: Don't appease dictators, and take advantage of national celebrations when chicks are swept up in the joy of the moment. The U.S. wins a war? Grab a nurse in Times Square and do some tongue-wrestling.
Chapter 12: 1945-62 -- From Oppenheimer to Opportunity
The Manhattan Project ends WWII but creates a cold new world that could end in nuclear Armageddon. But the constant threat of thermonuclear warfare has its benefits during the Cuban Missile Crisis, aka "Thirteen Nights in October." One, it provides a chance to convince your girlfriend that -- because the bomb could kill us all at any moment -- she should sleep with you immediately. Two, fallout shelters make great makeout pits.
Chapter 14: 1963-68 -- From Love Field to Love Nest
While the deaths of John F. Kennedy, Robert Kennedy and Martin Luther King Jr. threaten to rip apart the country, these national tragedies also provide opportunities to "console" women overcome with grief.
Chapter 15: 1967 -- Summer of Love (Or At Least Lust)
"Make love, not war" is always good advice, though it's important to keep free love as close to free as possible. Let me tell you, a condom costs a lot less than "health insurance."
Chapter 16: 1972-76 -- Playboys of the Western World
President Nixon is forced to resign due to the Watergate break-in and its resulting cover-up, paving the way for Jimmy Carter's election in 1976. Carter's interview in Playboy magazine also provides a great new come-on line: "Since I've already committed adultery in my heart, why don't we go back to your place and commit it in your bed?"
Chapter 19: 1998 -- Executive Privileges
President Clinton is impeached for lying about having sex with an intern but survives to tell about it. The lesson here: If the President can get some in the middle of the Oval Office, why all the fuss over a minor indiscretion during a weak moment by a basketball coach in a restaurant?
Jim Caple is a senior writer for ESPN.com.
DJ Gallo is the founder and sole writer of the sports satire site SportsPickle.com. He also is a regular contributor to ESPN The Magazine and has written for The Onion and Cracked. His first book, "SportsPickle Presents: The View from the Upper Deck," is on sale now.