We tried for a Vick-free quiz; we really did!   

Updated: August 31, 2007, 5:23 PM ET

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Did you pay attention to the week in sports -- and other stuff, such as anonymous solicitation etiquette for gay sex in airport bathroom stalls? Put your powers of observation and recall to the test with Page 2's weekly quiz:

1. Runner Bernard Lagat:
(A) Became the first American to win a world championship or Olympic gold in the 1,500 meters since the 1908 Summer Games
(B) Right. So what does this have to do with Michael Vick?

2. Suspended Atlanta Falcons quarterback Michael Vick found Jesus:
(A) Somewhere between Moonlight Road and the federal courthouse in Richmond
(B) At the bottom of a stack of legal bills
(C) Shortly after reading allegations that included the words "canine rape stand"
(D) Inside Paris Hilton's prison Bible
(E) On the face of a tortilla in Guadalajara
(F) Under the couch cushions, next to his missing car keys

3. An article on the gay-themed sports Web site Outsports.com reports:
(A) Some gay Falcons fans "couldn't be happier" that Joey Harrington has taken over for the suspended Vick
(B) Some gay Falcons fans obviously haven't watched any Detroit Lions games during the last five years

4. The Milwaukee Brewers:
(A) Just lost again
(B) Probably just lost again, but it's hard to say, 'cause I haven't checked any of last night's scores yet
(C) Just lost again, somehow, despite having the night off
(D) Just won! Which only confirms the law of averages

5. Identify the image to the right:
(A) Tennis player Bethanie Mattek, competing at the U.S. Open
(B) Tennis player Bethanie Mattek, about to take the stage for a Liberace tribute
(C) Tennis player Bethanie Mattek, trying on a men's figure skating costume
(D) Tennis player Bethanie Mattek, about to partner with Mark Cuban on "Dancing With the Stars"

6. In which of the following circumstances are you least likely to see a condom?
(A) Filled with water and tossed from a dorm window
(B) On a handmade bachelorette party necklace
(C) Rolled down a banana during sex-ed class
(D) Within 500 yards of Denver Broncos running back Travis Henry

7. The Atlanta Journal-Constitution reported that Henry:
(A) Has fathered nine children by nine women in at least four states
(B) Had to borrow $9,800 from his former team, the Tennessee Titans, to make child support payments
(C) A and B
(D) Wait -- only $9,800?

8. In which of the following circumstances are you least likely to see Chicago Bears linebacker Lance Briggs' Lamborghini?
(A) In a crumpled heap on the side of the highway
(B) Hooked up to a tow truck
(C) Gathering dust in a police impound lot
(D) Within 500 yards of Briggs

9. When Bears coach Lovie Smith subsequently told reporters Briggs wasn't "trying to run from anything," he was referring to:
(A) The highway patrol
(B) AAA roadside assistance
(C) $350,000 Italian sports cars
(D) Logic, reason, accountability
(E) None of the above

10. An Oklahoma man was charged with felony assault and battery after a barroom brawl in which he:
(A) Tore the scrotum of another man who taunted him for wearing a University of Texas shirt
(B) Do not mess with Texas

11. USC running backs coach Todd McNair:
(A) Reportedly was twice convicted in the 1990s on charges related to mistreatment of dogs
(B) Told reporters he didn't want to comment on "something 14 years ago, and especially something I was cleared for"
(C) Knows more about stiff-arms and flat routes than the meaning of the word "cleared"
(D) All of the above

12. According to documents obtained by Yahoo.com, former NFL quarterback Tim Couch:
(A) Had a performance-enhancing drug regimen that called for anabolic steroids and human growth hormone
(B) Had a drug regimen that called for anabolic steroids and human growth hormone

13. The blog 100 Percent Injury Rate reported that Celebrity Skin and Bodily Fluids, a Los Angeles-based company, is selling Mike Tyson's:
(A) Bacteria, for $6.75
(B) Skin cells, for $12.75
(C) Fecal matter, for $31
(D) Debit or credit?

14. Houston Rockets point guard Rafer Alston was arrested and charged with:
(A) Slashing a man's neck inside a nightclub
(B) Slashing a man's neck inside a nightclub in an incident that did not involve Pacman Jones
(C) Seriously, Pacman wasn't involved
(D) Let's go over this one more time, OK?

15. According to Miss Teen South Carolina, the most urgent problem facing our nation is:
(A) A tragic map shortage among "U.S. Americans"
(B) A tragic map shortage in South Africa
(C) A tragic map shortage in "the Iraq"
(D) The ongoing failure of the "For Dummies" guys to publish a beauty pageant guide

16. The Penn State football team reportedly is using:
(A) Madden football to teach quarterbacks the squad's playbook
(B) "Street Fighter II" to teach linebackers tackling
(D) "Donkey Kong" to teach running backs hurdling
(D) "Leisure Suit Larry" to teach players about what to do when a cute girl knocks on the door?

17. A British tabloid reported that racehorse trainer Adrian Chamberlain:
(A) Has sent out 385 horses since 1996, all of them losers
(B) Thinks Matt Millen and the Bidwills are both doing a heckuva job

18. Atlanta Falcons cornerback DeAngelo Hall:
(A) Shaved "I OWN U 85" into his hair, a reference to Cincinnati Bengals receiver Chad Johnson
(B) Promptly saw Johnson catch five passes for 83 yards and a touchdown during a Bengals-Falcons preseason game
(C) Had the good sense to not get a tattoo
(D) I'm sorry, did you say "preseason game"?
(E) All of the above

19. In a syndicated newspaper column, "60 Minutes" curmudgeon Andy Rooney wrote:
(A) "I know all about Babe Ruth and Lou Gehrig, but today's baseball stars are all guys named Rodriguez to me"
(B) Since when did Lou Dobbs become Andy Rooney's ghostwriter?

20. According to a Norse mythology expert quoted in the New York Times:
(A) A squirrel that scampered up and down the right-field foul pole during a Yankees-Red Sox game at Yankee Stadium might have foretold that the Yankees will not prevail over the Red Sox this season
(B) What, the Times couldn't find any Norse mythology experts to talk about Mike Vick?
(C) Oh, so that explains where the Times gets those oh-so-accurate exact NFL final-score predictions
(D) All the news that's fit to print!

21. Tampa Bay Bucs receiver David Boston : can't take field sobriety test because of a rolled ankle
(A) Lance Briggs : panicked, man, just panicked
(B) Ken Lay : trust in Andy Fastow sadly, tragically misplaced
(C) Floyd Landis : Jack Daniels, et al
(D) All of the above

22. The Syracuse Chiefs Triple-A baseball team : making 10 errors in a 12-10 loss to Ottawa
(A) Ottawa : winning by only two runs despite their opponent making 10 errors
(B) All of the above

23. Ron Artest : offering to help Vick
(A) Chuck Knoblauch : offering to help the Syracuse Chiefs
(B) Ray Lewis and O.J. Simpson : offering to help Rafer Alston
(C) Miss Teen South Carolina : offering to help Stephon Marbury with public speaking
(D) George Michael : offering to vouch for U.S. Sen. Larry E. Craig of Idaho
(E) All of the above

24. Los Angeles Galaxy GM Alexi Lalas : upset that the MLS schedule gives each franchise at least one home game versus David Beckham and the Galaxy
(A) Lalas : upset that MLS wants to be more popular
(B) Lalas : upset that fans want to see Beckham
(C) Lalas : upset that MLS can't just put a life-sized cardboard cutout of Beckham in a plastic box and wheel it around the country
(D) All of the above

Extra Credit
25. U.S. Sen. Larry E. Craig (R-Idaho):
(A) Insists he is not gay, and has never been gay
(B) Claims he never did anything lewd in a Minnesota airport bathroom stall
(C) Is absolutely, positively not excited that Joey Harrington is now the quarterback of the Atlanta Falcons
(D) Has never even met Mike Piazza

26. According to an airport police report, Sen. Craig told arresting officers that his foot touched the foot of a plainclothes policeman in an adjacent stall not as a sexual come-on, but because:
(A) He has a wide stance when going to the bathroom
(B) He was practicing his long-snapping technique
(C) He was wearing roller skates, invisible ones, and his foot accidentally slipped
(D) He's a champion multitasker and likes to knock out his morning yoga, coffee and defecation all at the same time

27. Congress plans to hold hearings on:
(A) Steroid use in pro wrestling
(B) The map crisis facing U.S. Americans
(C) Extra-wide bathroom stances
(D) The estate tax, and how it applies to Leona Helmsley's dog
(E) A, and only A, 'cause really, B-D would be a farce

28. A man pleaded guilty in federal court to:
(A) Giving his 13-year-old son steroids while the boy trained to compete internationally on a roller-skating team
(B) We're freaking doomed

Essay Question
Asked about two home runs he gave up in a 4-3 loss to the San Diego Padres, Philadelphia Phillies reliever Brett Myers called the homers "just popups." When a Philadelphia Inquirer reporter asked if Myers really thought that, the pitcher became angry, calling the reporter "retarded"; after the reporter promptly asked Myers to spell "retarded," the pitcher had to be restrained by a teammate.

In 800 words or less, determine whether the Inquirer reporter should be awarded a Pulitzer Prize, a Presidential Medal of Freedom, or both.

Answer Key
1, a; 2, only God knows for sure, unless He's totally Vicked-out like the rest of us; 3-4, all answers acceptable; 5, a, and please, tip your 40s for the great Liberace; 6, d, and we're probably lowballing the yardage; 7, c; 8, d; 9, e, somebody somewhere knows the real story, which means Deadspin will have it by Monday; 10, a-b, and after reading that, we're not gonna mess with New Mexico, either, just to be safe; 11, d; 12, b; 13, a-c, and Luis Gonzalez's chewed gum is so quaint; 14, a, no joke!; 15, a-c, with any luck she'll be invited to the next State of the Union address; 17, a, though you gotta admit a Hadouken fireball tackle would be pretty sweet; 17, a; 18, d, and kudos to him; 19, a, and you have Rooney in your celeb dead pool, our apologies; 20, a, and there's no way we could have made that up; 21, d; 22, b; 23, e; 24, d, and shut up!; 25, a-b for sure, c-d probable; 26, a, and we could not have made that up, either; 27, a or e, your U.S. American tax dollars at work!; 28, all answers acceptable; ESSAY QUESTION: trick question, what the Inquirer reporter really deserves -- and probably needs -- is earplugs and a lifetime supply of laptop batteries.

Patrick Hruby is a columnist for Page 2. Sound off to Patrick here.


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