Paid attention to the week in sports -- and other stuff, like the last days of pretending that Iowa is to American presidential politics what Asia is to "Risk" -- that was? Put your powers of observation and recall to the test with our weekly quiz:
(a) Hasn't gotten in trouble yet this year!
(b) Today is Jan. 4
2. Which of the following is a pretender?
(a) Joe Biden
(b) Hawaii football
(c) Chrissie Hynde
(d) All of the above
3. Discussing the New England Patriots during an ESPN interview, former Miami Dolphins running back Mercury Morris:
(a) Said he will "welcome them to the neighborhood with my Mr. Rogers sweater on, if they get to the neighborhood"
(b) Argued that "it's not about how many games you've won, it's about how many game you didn't lose"
(c) Claimed he was speaking from "subjective experiential knowledge"
(d) Added that "the only person who knows what they're talking about in this conversation is me"
(e) Said at least one thing that made perfect sense
4. Jose Canseco's lawyer told two New York newspapers that his client's upcoming book -- a sequel to "Juiced" tentatively titled "Vindicated" -- will present:
(a) An "unjaundiced" view of steroid use in baseball
(b) A jaundiced view of steroid use in baseball, given that jaundice is, in fact, a major side effect of steroid use
5. Which of the following headlines is made up?
(a) Purdue University Students Get Paid $30 to Sniff Manure
(b) Male Belly Dancing Makes Comeback in Egypt
(c) Clemens Swears In Interview He's Never Used Banned Substances
(d) None of the above
6. Roger Clemens told "60 Minutes" that his former trainer, Brian McNamee, injected him with:
(a) The painkiller lidocaine and vitamin B-12
(b) 50 ccs of plausible deniability
(c) What, no flaxseed oil?
7. Denver Broncos wide receiver Javon Walker:
(a) Was unhappy in Green Bay
(b) Is unhappy in Denver
(c) Surprisingly has not requested a trade to Atlanta
(d) All of the above
8. When lawyers for disgraced sprinter Marion Jones argued in court papers that Jones should not have to go to prison for lying to federal investigators about steroids and check fraud because she has been "punished enough," what punishments were they specifically referring to?
(a) Jones relinquishing the Olympic medals she won while cheating
(b) Jones being stripped of the track results she posted while cheating
(c) Jones losing the "public standing" she gained through cheating
(d) Jones claiming to be broke after spending all the money she made by cheating on lawyers who maintained that she wasn't cheating
(e) Jones' lawyers don't know the difference between punishment and consequence
9. Which of the following BCS-related news items is made up?
(a) Oklahoma defensive tackle DeMarcus Granger sent home from Fiesta Bowl for allegedly stealing a jacket from a Burlington Coat Factory
(b) Virginia Tech linebacker Vince Hall injures left knee before Orange Bowl during a team "beach outing"
(c) Illinois competes against USC in Rose Bowl
10. Sacramento Kings forward Ron Artest told the New York Post that if given the opportunity, he could help turn around:
(b) The housing market
(c) Global warming
(d) The New York Knicks
11. Of the following, whom remains gainfully employed?
(a) Brian Billick
(b) Mike Martz
(c) Cam Cameron
(d) Isiah Thomas
12. After stating in mid-December that he would give himself two weeks to evaluate the job he was doing as head coach of the Knicks, Thomas:
(a) Presided over one win and five losses
(b) Saw the Knicks remain in second-to-last place in the Eastern Conference
(c) Had center Eddy Curry question his job security
(d) Heard more "Fire Isiah" chants at Madison Square Garden
(e) Proved that the only things he would be worse at than coaching professional basketball are journalism, trauma surgery and overnight package delivery, since all of those jobs require not only meeting deadlines, but understanding the concept of deadlines in the first place
(f) All of the above
13. After telling reporters that the Knicks would "keep moving in this direction," what did Thomas say when asked what direction he was referring to?
(a) "Toward getting as many draft lottery balls as possible"
(b) "Toward giving Kevin McHale ongoing national media coverage"
(c) "Toward the sixth circle, where the heretics are trapped in flaming tombs"
(d) "Me as coach"
14. Prior to a home loss to the Sacramento Kings, Thomas told reporters that:
(a) The Knicks will win a championship with him in charge
(b) The Knicks will not make any trades, because they're "on the right path" and have "the right players"
(c) Elementary penguin singing Hare Krishna man you should have seen them kicking Edgar Allan Poe
15. Knicks forward Zach Randolph told reporters that Thomas:
(a) Is doing the "best he can"
AP Photo/Mark J. Terrill
Derek Fisher put on quite a show, didn't he?
(a) The first-ever Victoria's Secret men's runway show
(b) An image from Shav Randolph's art therapy class
(c) Proof that the Los Angeles Lakers' clubhouse dryers should never be set to "Most Dry"
(d) "Turn Back the Clock" night at the Staples Center
17. What did Lakers guard Kobe Bryant say about wearing throwback shorts shorts?
(a) "I felt violated"
(b) Kobe Bryant knows something about feeling violated?
18. San Diego Chargers general manager A.J. Smith's recent five-year, $11 million contract extension makes him the NFL's third-highest-paid GM, behind Bill Parcells and:
(a) Matt Millen
(c) No wonder Toyota just overtook Ford to become America's No. 2 carmaker
19. According to reports, the New York Yankees:
(a) Will soon enjoy a 660-car valet parking garage paid for by a $70 million state subsidy
(b) Will get free, year-round use of nearly all of the garage's spaces for the next 40 years
(c) A and B
(d) Never get to complain about revenue sharing ever again
20. The Miami Herald reported that former Dolphins head coach Cam Cameron:
(a) Spent time monitoring the team's Web site to make sure that his players were being asked the right questions by club-employed reporters, and also giving the right answers
(b) Just got a résumé callback from FEMA's public relations department
21. Which of the following items is not mentioned in Dallas Cowboys receiver Terrell Owens' reported trademark application for the phrase "I Love Me Some Me?"
22. The founding director of the Smithsonian's National Museum of the American Indian, W. Richard West Jr., reportedly:
(a) Spent $48,500 in museum funds to commission a portrait of himself
(b) Loves him some him
(c) All of the above
23. A survey conducted by a British insurance firm revealed that:
(a) One percent of skiers admit they have hit the slopes while very drunk
(b) Bode Miller has time to fill out British insurance firm surveys?
24. The Tampa Bay Buccaneers:
(a) Instituted a policy in which only Florida residents can purchase tickets to Sunday's playoff game against the New York Giants, the better to preserve home-field advantage
(b) Seem oddly oblivious to the number of transplanted New Yorkers living in Florida
(c) Clearly have never attended a Yankees-Rays game
(d) All of the above
25. According to MSNBC, New England Patriots quarterback Tom Brady advised Dallas Cowboys quarterback Tony Romo to:
(a) Always wear a shirt during magazine photo shoots
(b) Avoid ascots and pageboy caps
(c) Remember that protection doesn't just apply to football
(d) Not bring Jessica Simpson to games
26. When sprinter Justin Gatlin used the word "cheated" during a telephone interview with the Washington Post, he was referring to:
(a) The lost opportunity to finish his career in the wake of a four-year doping ban
(b) His positive test for testosterone that led to the ban
(c) Just A
27. New York Jets : reinstating beer sales next season
(a) NBA : returning to leather ball
(b) San Diego Chargers : every time they break out the powder blues
(c) United States : 21st amendment to Constitution
(d) All of the above
28. Darrell Reid : Chris Henry
(a) Nintendo Wii : PlayStation 3
(b) Mentos : Diet Coke
(c) F-111 Strike Fighters : Muammar Gaddafi's house
(d) All of the above
29. Which of the following entities did Congress warn NOT to destroy potentially incriminating videotapes?
(a) The CIA
(b) The NFL
30. In order from most likely to least likely, rank the following hypothetical events:
(a) The Boston Celtics winning 72 games this season
(b) Charles Barkley walking from Atlanta to Phoenix in a Speedo, as promised, if the Celtics win 72 games this season
(c) Speedo manufacturing an article of swimwear that actually fits Barkley
(d) Barkley actually walking farther than from tee to green and/or card table to cashout window
31. The New York Post reported that John McEnroe's son, Sean, cursed out the doormen at a New York City nightclub by stating:
(a) "YOU'RE F---ING LOSERS!"
(b) "YOU'RE THE PITS OF THE WORLD!"
(c) "YOU CANNOT BE SERIOUS!"
(d) "ANSWER THE QUESTION, JERK!"
The wife of Chinese sportscaster Zhang Bin:
• Took to the stage as her husband was relaunching China's main sports network as the Olympics Channel
• Grabbed the microphone and accused her husband of adultery
• Linked her husband's adultery to China's poor human-rights record
In 800 words or less, compare and contrast the embarrassment felt by Chinese Olympic officials with that of James Dolan and Isiah Thomas watching the Knicks on a nightly basis.
ANSWER KEY: 1, a-b, and hopefully nothing happens while this quiz is being copy-edited; 2, d, and please, no more whining about BCS greed and schools like Hawaii getting shafted; 3, e, and if the Pats win it all, Morris is going to need a shot of lidocaine directly into his brain; 4, a; 5, d; 6, a, and after all that time to consult with his lawyers, that's the best Clemens could come up with? At least Floyd Landis was creative; 7, d; 8, all answers valid, unlike Jones'
career; 9, c, nice work
Fightin' Illini!; 10, a, and he plans to bang out a cure for cancer, too; 11, d; 12, f; 13, d; 14, a-b, and we'll take two of whatever Zeke is drinking; 15, a, and isn't that the problem?; 16, d, and when is Congress going to get around to formally thanking the Fab Five?; 17, a, slightly bad choice of words; 18, a; 19, c; 20, a, NFL coaches aren't control freaks or anything; 21, d, total oversight; 22, c; 23, a; 24-25, d; 26, c, though there's an outside chance he was talking about Marion Jones; 27-28, d; 29, a; 30, any order valid; 31, a; Essay Question: Any variation on "this is a trick question, because it assumes Dolan and Thomas are capable of embarrassment in the first place" is acceptable.