Paid attention to the week in sports -- and other stuff, like whatever new mess and/or paparazzo Britney Spears got herself into 20 minutes ago -- that was?
Put your powers of observation and recall to the test with our weekly quiz:
1. Which of the following is more likely to record your telephone conversations?
(a) The NSA
(b) Roger Clemens
2. Former NBA player Scottie Pippen:
(a) Scored nine points in his Finnish league debut
(b) Wishes the Euro-dollar exchange rate was a little more favorable
(c) A and B
3. BCS officials said they will have serious discussions in the upcoming months about:
(a) Going to a fairer, "plus-one" format that would create a four-team Division I-A college football championship playoff
(b) Going to a fairer, "plus-one" format that would allow Ohio State to field 12 players on both offense and defense should the Buckeyes reach another title game
4. The upcoming NFL playoff game between the Dallas Cowboys and the New York Giants will be won and lost
(a) Texas Stadium
(b) Cabo San Lucas
5. Which of the following is WORSE news for Giants fans?
(a) Jessica Simpson reportedly will not be attending the Dallas-New York game
(b) Jessica Simpson reportedly will not be attending the Dallas-New York game because she is working on a new album
6. During an interview with "60 Minutes," Clemens said that if he had taken performance-enhancing drugs, he would be "pulling tractors with my teeth" and have:
(a) A third ear growing out of his forehead
(b) A straw man growing out of his mouth
7. Clemens told "60 Minutes" he deserves the benefit of the doubt regarding steroid allegations because:
(a) He has been playing baseball for "24, 25 years"
(b) Steroids help athletes train harder and recover from injuries more quickly, two factors that could come in handy during a power pitching career spanning a quarter of a century, hypothetically speaking
(c) Just A
8. Clemens also told "60 Minutes" he was "shocked"
(a) Former teammate, close friend and training partner Andy Pettitte used HGH
(b) New York fans are unhappy with Isiah Thomas; oil prices went up; the Miami Heat lost again; Spears did something crazy; President Bush called Iran a "threat to world peace"
(c) The Earth continued to rotate on its axis, producing another day/night cycle
(d) It's not butter!
9. According to reports, Clemens:
(a) Said he would have spoken to George Mitchell "in a heartbeat" had he known that former trainer Brian McNamee accused him of using steroids in the Mitchell report
(b) Teamed with Pettitte to have private investigators question McNamee about what he told Mitchell prior to the report's release
(c) Has a special understanding of the term "in a heartbeat" known only to him, and possibly his defense lawyers
(d) All of the above
10. Which of the following individuals filed a defamation lawsuit over accusations that they took performance-enhancing drugs?
(a) Roger Clemens
(b) Marion Jones
(c) All of the above
11. According to Clemens, which of the following is a quick fix?
(a) Lidocaine, a local anesthetic that wears off in four to eight hours
(b) Vioxx, a prescription painkiller you can pop "like Skittles"
(c) A defamation suit you have no intention of pursuing
(d) Steroids and HGH
12. If Clemens really did have all these needles and these steroids and all these drugs, then why hasn't the person out there who gave them to Clemens come forward?
(a) Because McNamee is lying and Roger Clemens never took anything but B-12 and lidocaine, thank you very much
(b) Because steroid distribution is illegal, and only idiots would incriminate themselves?
13. According to Clemens, performance-enhancing
(a) Make you look good in hotel lobbies and three-piece suits
(b) Turn your tendons to dust, along with that third ear stuff
(c) Have no apparent athletic utility whatsoever, unless you need to pull a tractor with your teeth
(d) Roger Clemens is just a caveman, and your world frightens and confuses him!
14. For his possible upcoming appearance before Congress, Pettitte retained:
(a) The same Pittsburgh attorney that represented Sammy Sosa during previous Congressional steroid hearings
(b) A Spanish-English dictionary
15. In response to the Mitchell report, Major League Baseball introduced:
(a) Mandatory drug tests for clubhouse workers
(b) Phew! Problem solved!
16. Boxer Floyd Mayweather Jr.'s debut rap video, "Money Mayweather," features:
(b) Shiny bling
(d) Rump-shakin' bikini girls
(e) All of the above
(f) A special shout-out to the authors of "Visual Clichés for Dummies"
17. Golf Channel anchor Kelly Tilghman called for:
(a) Young players to "lynch" Tiger Woods
(b) Fuzzy Zoeller to cater the Masters' champions dinner
(c) Ted Danson and Whoopi Goldberg to perform a blackface comedy routine at Woods' next charity gala
(c) Don Imus to say something dumb, as soon as possible
18. In an arbitration hearing, agent Scott Boras reportedly compared St. Louis Cardinals outfielder Rick Ankiel to:
(a) Babe Ruth
(b) Abraham Lincoln
(d) Optimus Prime
19. Which of the following headlines is made up?
(a) What Are You Doing Here? -- Man Asks Wife at Brothel
(b) Bird Dog Steps On Gun, Kills Hunter
(c) Riley Denies He'll Leave Heat Bench After Season
(d) None of the above
20. Which of the following NCAA records did Savannah State NOT set or tie while scoring four points and shooting 1-for- 23 in the second half of an 85-25 loss at Kansas State?
(a) Fewest points
(b) Lowest shooting percentage
(c) Fewest field goals
(d) Lowest amount of wear and tear on net
21. The St. Louis University men's basketball team:
(a) Set a modern NCAA Division I record for fewest points scored in a 49-20 loss to George Washington
(b) Is scrambling to put Savannah State on next year's schedule
22. New York Knicks coach Isiah Thomas:
(a) Was ejected during a loss to Houston at Madison Square Garden
(b) Inadvertently demonstrated that NBA referees have better judgment than James Dolan
23. According to a report in the New York Press, a New York-based casting company was asked to find:
(a) A non-realtor who thinks the housing market will rebound in the next six to nine months
(b) Iraqi WMD
(c) A leprechaun
(d) Real people who were excited about the Knicks going into this season, and could appear in commercials for the team
24. The Press also reports that the casting company
-- which once found a midget willing to pose naked for a fashion magazine shoot -- is named:
(a) Impossible Casting
(b) Stephon Marbury Totally Lucid Casting
(c) Jerome James Justifying His Contract Casting
(d) Knicks Winning Title Under Isiah Casting
25. According to the Press, how many of the supposed "real fans" in the subsequent Knicks ads -- currently broadcast on the MSG Network -- are actually professional actors?
(a) Five of the six the Press tracked down
(b) Only five?
26. Which of the following items does Seattle Seahawks kicker Josh Brown plan to wear during an upcoming playoff game in Green Bay?
(a) Big, furry earmuffs
(b) Hello Kitty mittens
(c) An official Seahawks pashmina
(d) Battery-powered warm-up pants
27. The upcoming book "Tarnished Heisman" suggests that former USC running back Reggie Bush could be ruled retroactively ineligible, stripping him of:
(a) His current professional career with the New Orleans Saints
(b) Millions of endorsement dollars
(c) Kim Kardashian
(d) None of the above
28. Carlos Delgado : The Mets had the NL's best team last season
(a) Baron Munchausen : first to the moon!
(b) Mike Huckabee : Pakistani illegals are flooding the country
(c) Clemens : steroid use = extra appendage growth
(d) All of the above
29. A University of Washington law school graduate reportedly offered to donate $100,000 to a scholarship fund if the school fired football coach Tyrone Willingham. If Notre Dame coach Charlie Weis has eight years left on a contract worth a reported $30-40 million, then how many irate Notre Dame grads pledging $100,000 each would it take to pay off Weis' deal and have him fired before next season?
30. Which of the following will be released later this month?
(a) The Nintendo 64
(b) The Spin Doctors' hotly anticipated follow-up to "Pocket Full of Kryptonite"
(c) Windows 95 with Internet Explorer
(d) The Air Jordan XXIII
31. In his annual Worst-Dressed List, notoriously bitchy fashion critic Mr. Blackwell:
(a) Blasted Amy Winehouse
(b) Blasted Lindsay Lohan
(c) Refrained from blasting Spears because her "personal life is in such upheaval," and wished her a better 2008
32. Spears' family reportedly is upset because:
(a) Dr. Phil visited Spears in the hospital, and then talked about the visit on television
(b) Dr. Phil was talking on television?
33. According to the New York Post, Hall of Fame inductee Goose Gossage:
(a) Thinks most baseball records from the past decade have been invalidated by rampant performance-enhancing drug use
(b) Says he probably would have taken steroids himself had the opportunity presented itself
(c) Is surprisingly honest compared to other former New York Yankees pitchers
(d) All of the above
Washington Capitals winger Alexander Ovechkin reportedly agreed to a $124 million, 13-year contract extension, working out the details himself in negotiations with team owner Ted Leonsis and general manager George McPhee.
In 800 words or less, justify the continuing existence of Scott Boras and/or Drew Rosenhaus.
ANSWER KEY: 1, a, but only because supercomputer fiber-optic taps beat handheld tape recorders; 2, c, and can't MJ throw him a make-work job in the Charlotte front office?; 3, a; 4, a; 5, b; 6, a; 7, a or c; 8, a, though if the third ear is any indication, the butter thing probably trips Clemens up, too; 9, d;, 10, c, the company you keep ... ; 11, d; 12, a-b, at least until Congress gets to the bottom of this, and maybe literally, since Clemens' bottom may end up being a key witness; 13, all answers valid, and are those cameramen trying to steal Roger's soul?; 14, a, muy bueno!; 15, a; 16, e, and what, no tipped 40 for the homies that couldn't make it?; 17, a, and isn't Al Sharpton like five days late to this story?; 18, a, and bwahahahaha!; 19, d; 20, a; 21, b; 22, a; 23, d, and someday we're gonna miss kicking around the Knicks; 24, a, and today is not that day!; 25, a-b; 26-27, d, and pity poor Reggie Bush; 28, d; 28, trick question, Notre Dame would never fire a coach before their contract runs out; 29, d, and what are you supposed to do wearing a pair of Air Jordans these days, dance with coeds in Cabo?; 30, all answers valid; 31, a; 32, d; Essay Question: Any variation on "because who else would have the sheer brass to compare Rick Ankiel to Babe Ruth or utter the phrase 'next question!' with such oily conviction?" is acceptable.