Don't take this quiz if you're a Cardinals fan   

Updated: February 29, 2008, 1:38 PM ET

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Paid attention to the week in sports -- and other stuff, like Greg Oden's nascent bid to join the McLaughlin Group -- that was? Put your powers of observation and recall to the test with our weekly quiz:

1. Which of the following is the strongest argument for the existence of God?
(a) First cause/prime mover
(b) Pascal's Wager
(c) The will to believe doctrine
(d) Roger Clemens investigated by the DOJ

2. Major League Soccer awarded Philadelphia:
(a) An expansion franchise
(b) Twenty-eight more professional athletes to boo
(c) All of the above

3. Which of the following activities has boxer Floyd Mayweather Jr. NOT done and/or announced plans to do?
(a) Make pro wrestling debut at Wrestlemania
(b) Compete on "Dancing With the Stars"
(c) Film rap video
(d) Purchase man-sized talking robot butler

4. Identify the following video clip:

(a) The source of Kevin Pritchard's muffled, teary, uncontrollable giggling
(b) The process by which Isiah Thomas turns coal into diamonds, using only his teeth
(c) Zach Thomas playing as the New York Knicks in NBA 2K8
(d) Where amazing goes to die
(e) Why the terrorists hate us
(f) None of the above

5. While visiting the Houston Astros' minor league clubhouse, Roger Clemens reportedly barked at a photographer, "this isn't a ____!"
(a) Zoo
(b) Congressional hearing

6. When Clemens subsequently told reporters that "everything's been said that needs to be said," he was referring to:
(a) The FBI investigating whether Clemens committed perjury
(b) Clemens' ongoing legal fight with former trainer and accuser Brian McNamee
(c) The possibility that physical evidence given to federal investigators by McNamee may feature Clemens' fingerprints
(d) The size and quality of Debbie Clemens' breast implants, vis--vis those of Jose Canseco's ex-wife
(e) None of the above, except maybe D

7. According to attorney Rusty Hardin, Clemens:
(a) Did not attend a party at Canseco's house, and has the golf receipt to prove it
(b) Did not attend a party at Canseco's house, because some television announcers said so
(c) May have attended a party at Canseco's house, since testimony and photographic evidence allegedly shows he was there
(d) Keeps track of his comings and goings with a foolproof system of notes, photographs and tattoos

8. Which of the following reasons did Boston Red Sox general manager Theo Epstein NOT give for signing former Cy Young winner Bartolo Colon to a minor league contract?
(a) Low risk
(b) Potential high reward
(c) Improved body image for Josh Beckett

9. NFL linebacker Zach Thomas:
(a) Turned down the New England Patriots to sign with the Dallas Cowboys
(b) Would rather choke in January than February

10. Which of the following headlines is made up?
(a) Pregnant Woman Uses Train Toilet, Baby Slips Out
(b) Museum Returns Tank To Schwarzenegger
(c) Bears Bring Back Grossman, Orton
(d) None of the above

11. Chicago general manager Jerry Angelo's statement that signing Rex Grossman give the Bears "the best opportunity to be the best team we can be" best epitomizes:
(a) The audacity of hope
(b) The soft bigotry of low expectations
(c) Going off the rails on a crazy train

12. The Chinese newspaper Titan Sports blamed Houston Rockets center Yao Ming's foot injury on:
(a) The Rockets' failure to provide a reliable substitute for Yao, forcing him to play too many minutes
(b) The Rockets having backup center Dikembe Mutombo, a four-time Defensive Player of the Year
(c) Yao averaging fewer minutes per game than 30 other NBA players, none of whom are out with stress fractures
(d) Yao playing for the Chinese national team during each of the five summers since he joined the NBA

13. According to FOXSports.com, the NFL Network will no longer air:
(a) NFL combine player weigh-ins
(b) Any other combine drill that could involve shirtlessness
(c) Terrell Owens' home exercise routine

14. Whom of the following is still gainfully employed?
(a) Kelvin Sampson
(b) John Paddock
(c) Sean Salisbury
(d) Isiah Thomas

15. Discussing next season, New York Knicks coach Isiah Thomas told reporters that the team needs:
(a) Another point guard
(b) Another owner
(c) Another coach
(d) Madison Square Garden to be loaded aboard the SDF-1 and folded into deep space, so that the NBA, the planet Earth and all its inhabitants who still remember and revere the 1972-73 Knicks can turn the page and start anew
(e) Just A

16. According to the New York Post, New York Yankees third baseman Alex Rodriguez:
(a) Was fined $500 by former coaches Larry Bowa and Mike Borzello every time he said something stupid to the media last season
(b) Is lucky he's making $275 million

17. In the wake of alcohol-related driving charges, the St. Louis Cardinals released:
(a) Scott Spiezio
(b) Tony La Russa

18. In an interview with the St. Louis Post-Dispatch, Cardinals manager La Russa insisted that:
(a) Mark McGwire never used performance-enhancing drugs
(b) McGwire "today still looks like he did then"
(c) A and B
(d) He still believes in Camelot!

19. According to California police, Spiezio in December allegedly (check all that apply):
(a) Crashed his BMW into a curb and fence
(b) Ran to his condo and vomited
(c) Assaulted his neighbor
(d) Insisted that McGwire did it all on prayers and Flintstone vitamins

20. Which of the following is NOT reportedly part of the academic curriculum at Oakland's "Oaksterdam University," a trade school focused on the medical marijuana industry?
(a) Cooking with cannabis
(b) Plant and seed cultivation
(c) Drug law
(d) Guest lectures from Kevin Faulk

21. The New Jersey Institute of Technology men's basketball team:
(a) Finished the season 0-29
(b) Set a Division I record for losses in a winless season
(c) A and B
(d) Immediately announced a home-and-away series with Duke football

22. Following a Miami victory over Sacramento that snapped an 11-game losing streak, Heat coach Pat Riley said he "knew what to do" but "didn't know where to start," likening himself to:
(a) A mosquito in a nudist colony
(b) Sampson with an unlimited calling plan
(c) A perjury investigator with 500 pages of Clemens testimony
(d) A blowtorch operator with the Knicks roster

MATCH GAME

23. Match the quotes in column A with the speakers in column B:

A B (a) Matt Millen (e) "[Our record is] beyond awful"
(b) Matt Millen (f) "The buck stops here"
(c) Matt Millen (g) "If I was sitting at home ... I'd blame me, too"
(d) Harry Truman (h) "It's part of my job to win, we haven't done that"

ANALOGIES

24. Darren McFadden : 40-yard dash
(a) Isiah Thomas : ruination of organizations managed
(b) Rick Majerus : USC coaching tenure
(c) Millennium Falcon : Kessel Run
(d) All of the above

25. Shaquille O'Neal : Phoenix Suns
(a) Restrictor plate : stock car
(b) Anchor : speed boat
(c) Wet cement : Darren McFadden's 40-yard dash track
(d) All of the above

26. New York Knicks : Kiki Vandeweghe to front office, keep Isiah as coach
(a) Hollywood writers : end strike, continue penning "Lipstick Jungle"
(b) Legal authorities : foreclose on Neverland Ranch, allow Jacko sleepovers
(c) Gunshot victim : call 911, order General Tso's chicken
(d) All of the above

27. San Antonio Spurs : scoring five points in first quarter vs. Atlanta Hawks
(a) Atlanta Hawks : losing same game
(b) All of the above

EXTRA CREDIT

28. Which of the following is the best perk of being a major Division I college basketball coach?
(a) Bigger salary than university president
(b) Screaming at underlings not only accepted, but encouraged
(c) AmEx endorsements seen not as commercial, but classy
(d) Demonstrating how to shut down Chris Lofton with the help of a sideline reporter

29. A source close to Britney Spears told the New York Times that Spears could make a successful comeback and "print money" provided she is:
(a) Fit
(b) Beautiful
(c) Together
(d) All of the above
(e) In possession of a unicorn-powered time machine

30. According to an SI.com report, which of the following frightening voice-mail messages led UCLA center Kevin Love to cancel his cell phone before a game against Oregon?
(a) "If you guys win, we'll come to your house and kill your family"
(b) "We'll find your hotel room and blow your [expletive] head off with a shotgun"
(c) A and B
(d) "Hey, Kevin? This is Zeke. Can't wait to see you in a Knicks jersey"

ESSAY QUESTION

After the British television station BBC1 broadcast more than 10 hours of sports programming on a single Saturday, a viewer complained that "this is a moneymaking exercise at the cost of the taxpayer."

In 800 words or less, compare and contrast BBC1's weekend programming schedule with professional sports stadium construction in the United States.

ANSWER KEY: 1, d, and our long national nightmare ... ; 2, c; 3, d, though it's only a matter of time; 4, f, and why can't Hillary Clinton for shame this?; 5, a, and if you cut Clemens, he'll bleed! (In fact, this already has been established by Congress); 6, e; 7, a-c, and Hardin's story is about as straight as the hedge maze in "The Shining"; 8,c; 9, a; 10, d; 11, all answers valid; 12, a; 13, a-b, though it's no help to JaMarcus Russell; 14, d; 15, e, sadly; 16, a, and that's a lot of McKinleys; 17, a; 18, c, and O-Kay!; 19, a-c; 20, d; 21, c; 22, a, and what, no feeling like "two fistfuls of pomade above my wet head of hair?"; 23, a-e, b-g, c-h, d-f; 24, d, and we really wanted to make a "McFadden's swimmers : Fallopian tubes" item; 25-26, d; 27, b, and good thing they landed Mike Bibby!; 28, d, we're pretty sure; 29, d, and the only way Spears prints money again is if she gets paid $500 every time A-Rod says something dumb; 30, c; Essay Question: any variation on "at least the BBC doesn't sell PSLs and charge eight bucks for warm beer" is valid.

Patrick Hruby is a columnist for Page 2. Sound off to Patrick here.


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