Paid attention to the week in sports -- and other stuff, like Hillary Clinton's stirring comeback from second place to second place? Put your powers of observation and recall to the test with our weekly quiz:
1. Green Bay Packers quarterback Brett Favre:
(a) Announced his presidential candidacy
(b) Apprehended Osama Bin Laden
(c) Set foot on Martian soil
(d) Retired from throwing footballs for money
2. Which of the following reasons did Favre give for his retirement?
(a) Tired of not throwing passes to Randy Moss
(b) Tired of playoff-game-killing interceptions
(c) Tired of the term "gunslinger" and all variations thereof
(d) Just plain tired
3. A news entry on Favre's official Web site stated
(a) "Favre ... is believed to have announced his retirement after seventeen years in the National Football League"
(b) Is believed? Oh God, not again
4. Which of the following was NOT one of the "certain intangibles" cited by Randy Moss' agent as a reason his client re-signed with the New England Patriots?
(a) More to life than just pure money
(b) Friendships with other players
(c) Mutual respect with Bill Belichick
(d) Daily opportunity to see shirtless Tom Brady in person, not just in potential Calvin Klein ads
5. Which of the following headlines appeared in the New York Daily News?
(a) Isiah Thomas to Blame for Stephon Marbury's Absence
(b) Isiah Thomas to Thank for Stephon Marbury's Absence
6. Asked if mandatory drug testing in Major League Baseball is necessary, Arizona Diamondbacks outfielder Eric Byrnes responded by asking reporters if they
(a) The offseason
(d) Seat cushions, after Roger Clemens is done using them
7. Which of the following did New York Yankees principal owner Hank Steinbrenner lambaste as a creation of ESPN?
(a) Income tax
(c) Red Sox Nation
(d) "ESPN Hollywood"
8. Steinbrenner also promised to "restore the universe to order" by:
(a) Putting the Yankees back on top
(b) Reversing the second law of thermodynamics
(c) Extending a clenched, black-gloved fist and the promise of a thriving family business to Luke Skywalker
(d) Repeatedly slamming a Yankees-themed gavel on Josh Beckett's right hand
9. Responding to Steinbrenner's comments, Boston Red Sox principal owner John Henry sent him:
(a) Two tickets to "Movin' Out"
(b) An envelope containing anthrax spores
(c) "Arli$$: The Complete Series" on DVD
(d) A Red Sox Nation membership card
10. Indiana Pacers president Larry Bird told reporters that his team does not want its players hanging around with:
(b) O.J. Simpson
11. Which of the following is NOT part of the message reportedly espoused by a crisis-management consultant hired by the Pacers in the wake of five different player run-ins with the law since September?
(a) Stay positive
(b) Stay together
(c) Remain accessible and honest
(d) Remind fans that Isiah Thomas is no longer with the franchise, and that things could be worse
12. The Atlanta Hawks:
(a) Gave up 135 points in a loss to the Golden State Warriors
(b) Traded for Shaquille O'Neal prior to the game
13. Which of the following headlines is real?
(a) NHL Beats "Idol" In Ratings
(b) Heat Gird For Playoff Push
(c) GOP Operatives Praise Obama's Patriotism, Faith, Middle Name
(d) Murray Hands Federer His Second Straight Loss
14. Which of the following headlines is made up?
(a) Dog Bites Man, Man Grabs Nail Gun
(b) Grenades Dropped Off At Area Goodwill
(c) Holyfield Keen On Third Tyson Clash
(d) None of the above
15. Which of the following things did boxer Evander Holyfield tell a British newspaper a possible bout against Mike Tyson would hinge on?
(b) Tyson being in shape
(c) A and B
(d) Permission to wear Kevlar earmuffs
16. The official Web site of Warren Sapp:
(a) Featured a full screen graphic reading "I'm Done!"
(b) Was last updated in 2004
17. Which of the following individuals remains gainfully employed?
(a) Joey Harrington
(b) David Carr
(c) Isiah Thomas
18. Kansas State forward Michael Beasley told reporters that:
(a) He has three more years at KSU after this one
(b) Denise Richards played a convincing nuclear scientist in "The World Is Not Enough"
(c) The missing Iraqi WMDs are in his dorm fridge, under the pizza box
(c) James Frey and Margaret B. Jones are his favorite authors
19. After the University of Kansas men's basketball team defeated Texas Tech 109-51, Jayhawks coach Bill
(a) Apologized to Red Raiders coach Pat Knight
(b) Dropped the shredded remains of his half-completed New England Patriots coaching application into an active volcano
20. A group of four Boston-area men allegedly:
(a) Started arguing with a man at a bar who was wearing a New York Yankees cap
(b) Followed the man wearing the Yankees cap as he was walking home
(c) Threw the man wearing the Yankees cap to the ground and kicked him repeatedly
(d) All of the above
(e) Believe their Red Sox Nation membership carry His Majesty's Secret Service's 00 designation
21. According to a report in the Palm Beach Post, what tool did the Miami Heat medical staff use last season to measure then-forward Antoine Walker's body fat?
(b) Jaws of Life
22. Which of the following is worse?
(a) Being scratched from a spring training game, like Houston Astros second baseman Kaz Matsui was, because of hemorrhoids.
(b) Finding out, like Kaz Matsui did, that the "hemorrhoids" that forced you to miss a game were actually misdiagnosed.
(c) Suffering any sort of ailment, like Kaz Matsui did, that can be misdiagnosed as hemorrhoids.
(d) All of the above
23. According to the New York Daily News, then-New York Jets coach Herm Edwards:
(a) Waved hello to a New England camera as the Patriots illegally videotaped the Jets' defensive signals four years ago
(b) Is awesome
24. What is the name of the lawyer who sent the proprietor of FireGeorgeKarl.com an e-mail reading, "as Coach Karl's counsel I am putting you on notice that I will sue you into bankruptcy should you cross the boundaries of permissible speech"?
(a) Bret Adams
(b) Lionel Hutz
25. John Paul Jones : not yet begun to fight
(a) Larry Bowa : will never wear helmet while coaching
(b) Bowa : will wear catcher's gear to mock rule
(c) Bowa : will pay fines for 162 games
(d) None of the above
26. Ultimate Fighting : rear naked choke
(a) Basketball : loose balls
(b) Hockey : five hole
(c) Baseball : switch-hitter
(d) Cricket : sticky wicket
(e) All of the above
27. Tripp Isenhour : golf shot
(a) Randy Johnson : fastball
(b) All of the above
28. Which of the following individuals reportedly shared the stage at Cosmopolitan magazine's "Fun and Fearless Male" awards?
(a) Tony Romo, John Mayer, Dane Cook
(b) Famine, pestilence, war, death
29. London police announced plans to install a half-million closed-circuit television cameras, the better to:
(a) Keep the 2012 Olympics secure
(b) Persuade the New England Patriots to play a game overseas
30. According to the Boston Globe, which of the following things did Sam Cassell NOT say was part of his new role with the Boston Celtics?
(a) Play backup point guard
(b) Help team win championship
(c) Do whatever he can to fit in and be successful
(d) Finish previous attempted decapitation of Rajon Rondo
31. Which of the following activities did St. Louis Cardinals third-base coach Jose Oquendo call a hindrance to chewing gum?
(a) Wearing a helmet while coaching, as required by a new MLB rule
During an English Premier League soccer game, fans mocked injured Arsenal striker Eduardo -- out with a compound fracture in his left leg -- by singing, "he used to have silky skills, now he walks like Heather Mills."
In 800 words or less, determine if "he used to be feared on attack, now he's as quick as Shaq" would have worked better.
ANSWER KEY: 1, d, and yes, we said money, not love; 2, d; 3, a; 4, d, then again, why mention something so blindingly self-evident; 5, a, must have been a typo; 6, a; 7, c; 8, a; 9, d, Henry is funny, not cruel; 10, a, or b, if he did it; 11, d; 12, a; 13, d, yes, really; 14, d, yes, really; 15, c, though a is the only answer that ever matters; 16, a; 17, c, as always!; 18, a, and ahahaha ha ha; 19, a; 20, d, and wait till Little Stein pins it on ESPN; 21, a; 22, d, and just be glad we didn't mention Felix Pie's twisted testicle; 23, a and b, and that's pretty great; 24, a, and what, Rusty Hardin wasn't available?; 25, d; 26, e; 27, a; 28, b; 29-31, a, and boo-hoo Mr. Oquendo!; Essay question: any variation on "that sounds a bit generous to O'Neal" is acceptable.
Patrick Hruby is a columnist for Page 2. Sound off to Patrick here.