Please take it easy on the substitute teachers this week
Paid attention to the week in sports -- and other stuff, like the College Basketball Invitational -- that was? Put your powers of observation and recall to the test with our weekly quiz:
(a) He called to report that someone had forcibly entered his home and busted his bracket
(b) He called to report that Barry Zito is stealing $126 million
(c) He called to report that he had been raped by a wombat, and the experience left with him an Australian accent
2. What happened this week to 8-foot-5 Leonid Stadnik, the world's tallest man?
(a) He was offered a contract by the Knicks after successfully posting up a chair
(b) He was struck by a low-flying Cessna Skyhawk
(c) He was offered a scholarship by Memphis coach John Calipari, despite not being able to hit a free throw
(d) He received a car from Ukraine President Viktor Yushchenko
3. What happened this week to the U.S. Olympic softball team?
(a) It was no-hit by Virginia Tech's Angela Tincher
(b) Its 185-game winning streak in pre-Olympic exhibitions ended
(c) It lost a pre-Olympic exhibition for the first time since May 3, 1996
(d) All of the above
(e) Sorry, what was that? I was updating my NCAA bracket
4. Which of the following headlines is made up?
(a) Texas man jailed for selling rattlesnake vodka
(b) Easter Bunny accused of injuring baby in Texas
(c) Sex offender runs for mayor in Texas
(d) All signs point to Texas winning AL West
5. The Detroit Tigers are being sued for which of the following?
(a) Sexual harassment, including the alleged taping of "soft-core videos" of female fans
(b) The 2003 season
6. The San Francisco Giants have removed images of what from AT&T Park?
(a) Barry Bonds
(b) A competitive product
(c) A and B
AP Photo / Kirkland
Jose Canseco, clearly an avid A-Rod fan.
(a) Alex Rodriguez pursued Canseco's wife
(b) He introduced Rodriguez to a steroid distributor
(c) A and B
(d) Rodriguez once took his shirt off in Central Park
8. The Yankees have changed the name of their spring training complex from Legends Field to:
(a) George M. Steinbrenner Field
(b) [Expletive] Red Sox Nation Park
9. David Stern said that within the next decade it's possible an NBA team will be placed in:
(b) New York
10. According to the New York Daily News, Knicks owner James Dolan would prefer to keep:
(a) Isiah Thomas as Knicks coach
(b) Kim Jong-il as leader of North Korea
(c) Osama bin Laden on the loose
(d) Pouring salt on an open wound
11. David Stern praised the Knicks this week for:
(a) Pursuing Donnie Walsh
(b) Their hard-nosed, gritty play
(c) A fantastic job of tanking
(d) Being slightly better than the Heat
AP Photo/Rick Bowmer
Guess Greg got bored, eh?
(a) The Trail Blazers' practice facility
(b) A 24 Hour Fitness facility
13. The San Antonio Spurs signed:
(a) Uwe Blab
(b) Jon Sundvold
(c) Vinny Del Negro
(d) Brent Barry
14. The College Basketball Invitational postseason tournament champion will be determined by:
(a) A best-of-three series between Bradley and Tulsa
(b) Two pickup games at a 24 Hour Fitness facility
15. Where did West Virginia University student Brady Campbell, who portrays the Mountaineers' mascot, say his character's gun was not searched?
(a) Madison Square Garden
(b) Please don't get any ideas, Knicks fans
16. The NFL has announced that next season's opening-night game on Sept. 4 will be:
(a) Giants vs. Redskins
(b) Can we enjoy spring and summer first, please?
17. Where is ultimate fighting legal for competitors as young as 6 years old?
Stephen Lovekin/Getty Images for WSF
Ms. Seles made a quick exit from "Dancing with the Stars."
(a) Poor dancing
(b) Excessive grunting
19. Demi Moore admitted she once used a cleansing therapy that included which of the following?
(a) "Highly trained medical leeches"
(b) The Original Whizzinator
20. Sixteen-year-old Jamie Lynn Spears:
(a) Got engaged several days ago
(b) Is pregnant
(c) Still seems normal compared to her sister
There will be no essay question this week. As we keep the chair warm for Patrick Hruby, we believe it's more important to contemplate the importance of consistent guard play and the presence of a big man with soft hands to winning the NCAA tournament. OK, we're just too lazy to grade them.
ANSWER KEY: 1, c; 2, d; 3, d; 4, d, and you're welcome for the freebie; 5, a; 6, a, although a compelling argument can be made for c -- just ask the Fresno Grizzlies; 7, c; 8, a; 9, a; 10, a; 11, a; 12, b; 13, d; 14, a; 15, a; 16, a; 17, d; 18, a; 19, a; 20, a.