Can you imagine a quiz without Isiah in it?   

Updated: April 7, 2008, 2:20 PM ET

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Paid attention to the week in sports -- and other stuff, like Benny the Bull's alleged patriotic exercise of his Second Amendment rights -- that was? Put your powers of observation and recall to the test with our weekly quiz:

1. Arizona Cardinals quarterback Matt Leinart:
(a) Is familiar with both fluid dynamics and gravitational force, as they apply to the operation of a beer bong
(b) Has a socialist approach to hot tub use
(c) Does not need to see your state-issued identification card
(d) All of the above

Chris Henry

AP Photo/David Kohl

Chris Henry got arrested again? Shocking.

2. Cincinnati Bengals wide receiver Chris Henry:
(a) Was arrested

3. Which of the following headlines is made up?
(a) Cops Bust High School Root Beer Kegger
(b) Australians Flatten Undersea Ironing Record
(c) FIA Head Might Skip F1 Race Over Nazi Sex Scandal
(d) None of the above

4. Following a five-hour videotaped sex session involving five prostitutes, Nazi and concentration camp prisoner outfits, whips and a torture bench, International Automobile Federation president Max Mosley reportedly:
(a) Got dressed
(b) Enjoyed a cup of tea
(c) A and B
(d) Dismissed Eliot Spitzer as a rank amateur

5. Which of the following individuals did Major League Baseball steroids investigators corner in a bookstore bathroom?
(a) Jose Canseco
(b) Jose Canseco and Mark McGwire

6. In interviews and his new book, "Vindicated," Canseco claims:
(a) He introduced New York Yankees third baseman Alex Rodriguez to a Canadian steroids dealer named Max
(b) Rodriguez had an affair with his ex-wife
(c) A and B
(d) He just accepted a position with the New York Post

7. Former NBA player Isaiah Rider:
(a) Was arrested

8. Which of the following is most likely to happen first?
(a) Free Dr. Pepper for every American, per the release of "Chinese Democracy"
(b) Playable "Duke Nukem Forever" on store shelves
(c) Matt Walsh works out a deal to speak with the NFL
(d) None of the above

9. According to New England Patriots coach Bill Belichick:
(a) There are no new Spygate revelations to come
(b) The insurgency in Iraq is in its last throes
(c) No new taxes, and you can read his lips
(d) We always have been at war with Eurasia

10. A group of former German Olympic medalists called on competitors in this year's Summer Games to wear a special green and blue bracelet to:
(a) Protest human rights violations in Tibet
(b) Give Chinese police a better idea of whom to detain

Donnie Walsh and James Dolan

AP Photo/Bebeto Matthews

Hands off, Jimmy. Let Donnie handle the ball.

11. According to the New York Daily News, New York Knicks owner James Dolan:
(a) Once blamed a playoff loss on a controversial magazine article about his team
(b) Has members of his staff eavesdrop on conversations between reporters and players and record the contents on a BlackBerry
(c) Once threatened to pull the media credentials of any reporter who criticized him
(d) All of the above
(e) Was just appointed attorney general

12. Identify this YouTube clip:
(a) Darth Vader, upon discovering his wife is dead
(b) Page 2 staff, upon discovering the Knicks hired Donnie Walsh, leaving Isiah Thomas one step closer to unemployment

13. When Thomas told reporters, "I look at what we started with and where we're going, and I think we have a very bright future," he was referring to:
(a) His two-year tenure as the Knicks' coach
(b) His two-year tenure as the Knicks' coach, which includes a 33-49 mark last season and a 20-55 record so far this season
(c) His two-year tenure as the Knicks' coach, which precluded him from taking a remedial math course

14. While taking a tour of Fenway Park, a 13-year-old girl named Alexa Rodriguez was attacked by:
(a) A red-tailed hawk
(b) Jose Canseco
(c) A paperboy delivering the New York Post
(d) Another 13-year-old girl named Jasonna Varitek
(e) Postseason ennui, crippling self-doubt

15. Which of the following items are on the list of banned performance-enhancing drugs for Chinese Olympians?
(a) Steroids
(b) Amphetamines
(c) Deer penis
(d) All of the above
(e) No, seriously, all of the above

16. Notre Dame football coach Charlie Weis told the South Bend Tribune:
(a) Right tackle Sam Young gained 43 pounds of lean muscle in four months
(b) New Irish strength and conditioning coach Victor Conte just received a contract extension
(c) He finds the terms "lean" and "muscle" inherently alien, and therefore should not be held accountable for any confusion arising from their use and/or misuse

17. Former NFL lineman Kenyatta Jones was arrested for allegedly:
(a) Attempting to urinate on a nightclub dance floor
(b) Confusing a nightclub dance floor with Najeh Davenport's laundry hamper

18. Which of the following headlines is the most surprising?
(a) Oil Executives Tell Congress Record Fuel Prices Not Their Fault
(b) "High School Musical 3" Films In April
(c) A-Rod Makes More Than Entire MLB Team
(d) None of the above

19. A new United Kingdom immigration rule:
(a) Requires foreign-born soccer players to take an English language test
(b) Requires foreign-born soccer players' wives and girlfriends to take an English language test
(c) A and B
(d) Was written by Lou Dobbs

Ernie Banks

AP Photo/Charles Rex Arbogast

Wonder what Ernie thought about the typo?

20. The inscription on a new statue of Ernie Banks outside Wrigley Field originally read:
(a) LETS PLAY TWO
(b) LET'S PLAY TOO
(c) LETS' PLAY TO
(d) REJECTED BY THE UNITED KINGDOM IMMIGRATION DEPARTMENT

21. Which of the following items is NOT among the 50-60 pieces of signed Roger Clemens memorabilia reportedly being sold by former trainer Brian McNamee?
(a) Hats
(b) Jerseys
(c) Baseballs
(d) Pharmaceutical prescription slips

22. Which of the following news items is probably just coincidental?
(a) Plan for "Gridiron Bash" campus concerts tied to start of spring football goes bust
(b) "Gridiron Bash" acts include Goo Goo Dolls
(c) All of the above

23. According to BALCO founder Victor Conte:
(a) Ice is cold
(b) Night is dark
(c) The Miami Heat are terrible
(d) Shane Mosley, Kelli White and Tim Montgomery all knew they were taking banned or illegal performance-enhancing substances

24. During his 2006 drunken-driving arrest, Jacksonville Jaguars defensive back Brian Williams reportedly:
(a) Threatened to have sex with the arresting officer's wife and daughter
(b) Offered to let the officer have sex with his date in exchange for not being arrested
(c) A and B
(d) Announced his candidacy for governor of New York

25. Former major league baseball player Warren Cromartie told reporters that players of his generation "didn't think about putting anything in our bodies but _______"
(a) Vitamins
(b) Amphetamines
(c) Alcohol, and lots of it
(d) Just A

26. Which of the following individuals did NOT bless the Opening Day baseballs at Philadelphia's Citizen's Bank Park?
(a) A priest
(b) A pastor
(c) A rabbi
(d) Tom Cruise with an E-meter

27. David Jarolim, a Bundesliga soccer player, was given a four-match ban for:
(a) Squeezing an opponent's genitals
(b) Mistaking an opponent for FIA president Max Mosley and administering a genital exam

ANALOGIES

28. Pacman Jones : Dallas Cowboys
(a) John Daly : Hooters endorsement
(b) Dennis Rodman : professional wrestling
(c) Michael Phelps : water
(d) All of the above

Barack Obama

Stan Honda/Getty Images

We'll never forget Barack's epic score of 37.

29. Miami Heat : made baskets
(a) Isiah Thomas : shrewd trades
(b) Barack Obama : forcibly displaced bowling pins
(c) The Pope : amorous conquests
(d) All of the above

30. Moises Alou : I wouldn't have caught it anyway
(a) South Carolina : gamecock fighting is illegal
(b) Vatican : our bad, Galileo
(c) Washington Wizards : starting at forward, Michael Jordan!
(d) All of the above

31. Mikhail Youzhny : tennis racket
(a) Zinedine Zidane : Marco Materazzi
(b) Knicks fans : figurative concrete wall
(c) Gus Frerotte : literal concrete wall
(d) All of the above

EXTRA CREDIT

32. While seeking autographs from Orlando Magic forward Rashard Lewis at Medieval Times, a dinner-show attraction, a crowd of people reportedly:
(a) Began fighting
(b) Began hitting each other's ersatz chain mail with padded wooden broadswords while rolling 6d 20 to cast spells

33. While giving a speech in Philadelphia, Hillary Clinton said, "I never quit, I never give up," while likening herself to:
(a) Rocky Balboa
(b) Rocky Balboa, who lost
(c) Oops

34. Which of the following received the same percentage of responses in a Pew survey asking Americans to select the most important news event of last year?
(a) Global warming
(b) Economy
(c) Immigration
(d) Terrorism
(e) Steroids in baseball
(f) All of the above
(g) In a democracy, you get the congressional hearings you deserve

ESSAY QUESTION

During a televised interview, Ted Turner claimed that global warming will ultimately destroy the world's food supply, and that "in 30 or 40 years … most of the people will have died and the rest of us will be cannibals." In 800 words or less, describe how this is potentially bad news for the Florida Marlins' fat-guy dance team.

ANSWER KEY: 1, d, and watch your back, TMZ.com -- TheDirty.com is coming for you!; 2, a; 3, d; 4, c, and what, no scones?; 5, a, and you couldn't pay us enough to be an MLB steroids investigator; 6, c; 7, a; 8, d, and any year now …; 9, a, and actually, we're starting to believe him; 10, a, and please, Chinese authorities would never mistreat anyone protesting human rights violations in Tibet; 11, d, and Nixon was his favorite president; 12-13, all answers valid; 14, a; 15, d and e, and if you can say deer penis out loud without snickering, you're more mature than us; 16, a, and we'd like a ride on Charlie Weis' unicorn; 17, a; 18, d, and it's only a matter of time before THOMAS FIRED joins the list; 19, c, Lou Dobbs would never endorse Mexicans taking all of our valuable MLS soccer jobs!; 20, a, and we thought we were the only ones in dire need of copy editing; 21, d; 22, c; 23, d; 24, c, and nice try!; 25, a, and please shut up; 26, d; 27, a, and ouch; 28-31, d, and Obama couldn't be a worse bowler if he snapped the ball between his legs; 32, a; 33, a-c, and nice try!; 34, f, and we're doomed; Essay Question: Any variation on "Soylent Green is people" is acceptable.

Patrick Hruby is a columnist for Page 2. Sound off to Patrick here.


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