Pencils at the ready? You may begin
1. A Massachusetts man spent $175,100 on:
(a) The right to enter a lottery to possibly buy Green Monster tickets
(b) The David Ortiz jersey that was buried in the new Yankee Stadium
(c) The game ball from the Cubs' 10,000th victory
(d) Barry Bonds' clubhouse recliner
2. Which ending marriage means there's no hope for any of us?
(a) Ocho Cinco and the Bengals
(b) Star Jones and Al Reynolds
(c) Big Hurt and the Blue Jays
(d) All of the above
Bruce Bennett/Getty Images
Will Sean Avery wave his arms and stick in an office setting to distract co-workers?
(a) Psychology Today
(c) Self Help
4. Offensive lineman Justin Boren's decision to transfer from Michigan to Ohio State is reminiscent of:
(a) Anakin Skywalker going to the Dark Side
(b) Johnny Damon signing with the Yankees
(c) Benedict Arnold defecting to the British
(d) All of the above
5. What did the New York Post's Page Six report that Lindsey Lohan screamed at Ashley Olsen?
(a) "Get your 15-year-old 'Full House' a-- away from my girlfriend."
6. On which television show does O.J. Simpson reportedly want to appear?
(a) "Law & Order"
(d) "Celebrity Apprentice"
7. Which of the following did Elizabeth Hurley call "unmitigated hell"?
(c) Seven seasons of "Arli$$"
(d) Modeling bikinis
8. Who of the following has not declared eligibility for the NBA draft?
(a) Derrick Caracter
(b) JaVale McGee
(c) C.J. Giles
(e) None of the above
9. Which of the following headlines is made up?
(a) Alleged penis-snatchers spark panic
(b) Male menopause? Yes, it's real
(c) Two held over alleged sperm theft
(d) Joba Chamberlain gets first career loss
(e) None of the above
10. If you're looking for Willie Mays Hayes, you can find him:
(a) Working with the Cleveland Indians minor leaguers
(b) Appearing at card shows
(c) Playing golf
(d) Doing three years for tax evasion
AP Photo/Tony Gutierrez
Don't even think about besmirching Terrell Owens' good name.
(a) On a billboard in Philadelphia
(b) On Page Six
(c) On TMZ
(d) On a porn Web site
12. What did Harrison Ford do to raise awareness of global deforestation?
(a) Planted trees with volunteers
(b) Filmed a public service announcement
(c) Hosted a fundraising dinner
(d) Had his chest waxed
13. Where are Jenna Bush and fiancé Henry Hager reportedly moving?
(b) Monte Carlo
14. Formula One's governing body has launched an anti-racism campaign focused on:
(a) A five-hour Nazi-style orgy
(b) None of the above
15. Which of the following lasted five hours, 38 minutes?
(a) The Boston Marathon
(b) Nearly any Yankees or Red Sox game
(c) The Pennsylvania primary
(d) An AHL playoff game between Philadelphia and Albany
16. Where did a group of 50 protestors rally in support of the separated families of a polygamist compound in Eldorado, Texas?
(a) A temporary shelter in San Angelo
(b) The Texas 3rd Court of Appeals in Austin
(c) United States 5th circuit court of appeals in Houston
(d) Game 3 of the Jazz-Rockets playoff series in Salt Lake City
17. How did Nationals outfielder Elijah Dukes get his Florida probation shortened?
(a) By spending 25 hours of public speaking to schoolchildren about the dangers of drug use
(b) By performing 25 hours of community service at a battered women's shelter
(c) By spending 25 hours of building houses for Habitat for Humanity
(d) By spending 25 hours of mopping and cleaning cages at a Tampa zoo
Jonathan Daniel/Getty Images
Army, Navy, Air Force,
Rutgers, Coast Guard
(b) You don't expect Notre Dame to play an actual road game, do you?
19. Who made the cover of Madden 09?
(a) Mahatma Gandhi
(b) Nelson Mandela
(c) Thomas Edison
(d) Dr. Jonas Salk
(e) Brett Favre
20. What's the best indication new Dolphins coach Tony Sparano is confident the team can turn it around?
(a) After announcing the team would draft Michigan tackle Jake Long with the first pick, he said, "And we believe he'll be better than Tony Mandarich."
(b) He said, "We won't be that bad again. Cam Cameron was the coach last year for goodness' sake."
(c) "Look how good Jason Taylor is doing on 'Dancing With the Stars,'" he said. "Clearly that is a sign of good times to come."
(d) He and his wife recently bought a $1.7 million lakefront house in Davie, Fla.
21. The Milwaukee Brewers haven't made the playoffs since 1982. What's the latest move that indicates that streak won't end in 2008?
(a) Carrying a 14-man pitching staff and only three bench players
(b) Carrying a 14-man pitching staff, leading to Jeff Suppan pinch-hitting twice in a week
(c) Carrying a 14-man pitching staff but still using Eric Gagne four straight games, resulting in a blown save in the fourth game
(d) Carrying a 14-man pitching staff but still bringing in lefty killer Brian Shouse to face three straight righty hitters
(e) Carrying a 14-man pitching staff, even if one of them (Derrick Turnbow) is so wild the manager never uses him
(f) Carrying a 14-man pitching staff, leading to the team trading Gabe Gross (.743 career OPS) when Tony Gwynn Jr. (.643 career OPS) came off the DL
(g) All of the above
22. After blowing his fourth save of the season, what should the new nickname be for Rockies reliever Manny Corpas?
(a) Corpas Crispy
(b) Thank you, thank you, we'll be here all week
23. Director Paul Verhoeven, who has helmed classic films such as "Showgirls" and "Basic Instinct," is working on a new movie that claims:
(a) Jesus was the son of Mary and a Roman soldier
(b) Joba Chamberlain should be in the Yankees rotation
24. What did University of Buffalo basketball guard Andy Robinson get caught in the act of doing?
(a) Trying to climb through a Taco Bell window to demand more chalupas
(b) Exposing himself to some university co-eds
(c) Stealing laptop computers from the school computer lab
(d) Accepting illegal payment from a booster
(e) Posting an ad on Facebook.com's marketplace offering to pay someone to write a term paper for him
25. A Mexican government official was recently fired for:
(a) Suggesting that Beijing is too polluted to host the Olympics
(b) Heckling George Bush during a recent meeting in New Orleans
(c) Getting caught on camera stealing several White House BlackBerrys
(d) Suggesting the Yankees move Joba Chamberlain into the starting rotation
If Barry Zito is 0-5 through his first five starts, how many games will he lose over the final six years of his seven-year, $126 million contract? (Please show your work.)
There will be no essay question this week, but we will certainly appreciate it if you kindly return the pencil you borrowed.
ANSWER KEY: 1, b; 2, b, it's official, America: Love is dead; 3, d; 4, d, and he's ineligible for a scholarship per Big Ten rules; 5, a; 6-7, d; 8, at this point d, but sources say you're talking to an agent; 9, e; 10, d, he finally got caught stealing; 11-13, d; 14, b; 15-17, d; 18, a; 19, e, and deservedly so; 20, d; 21, g; 22, a; 23, a; 24, e; 25, c.
Thomas Neumann, Mike Philbrick and David Schoenfield contributed to the delinquency of this week's quiz.