1. Which of the following is the most compelling argument for God not existing?
(a) Inconsistent Revelations
(b) Omnipotence Paradox
(c) Problem of Evil
(d) Jason Giambi's gold slump-buster thong
2. According to reports, former NBA referee Tim
(a) Bet on more than 100 games that he worked
(b) Will appear in one of those split-screen, split-face NBA ads with Charles Barkley
3. Which of the following claims did Donaghy's lawyer NOT make in a letter to a federal judge?
(a) Other NBA referees gambled, violating league rules
(b) Relationships between refs and coaches affected the outcome of games
(c) A ref passed confidential information to a coach
(d) The Barkley-Dick Bavetta foot race was fixed
4. Which of the following individuals will be most interested in country singer Mindy McCready reportedly providing "her side of the Roger Clemens story" in an upcoming documentary film?
(a) Roger Clemens
(b) Debbie Clemens
(c) Rusty Hardin
(d) Chris Hansen
5. Why the #$!@ is New York Mets closer Billy Wagner being interviewed?
(b) Beats me
(c) Go ask those guys over there
6. According to reports, the year 2011 could bring:
(a) A possible NFL lockout
(b) Spygate resolution
7. Which of the following is NOT one of the reported reasons NFL owners opted out of the current collective bargaining agreement?
(a) High labor costs
(b) Problems with the rookie pool
(c) Inability to recoup bonuses of players who breach contracts
(d) Desire in 10 years' time to be better-known for acting career, sleeveless dancing
8. When an NFL statement mentioned "substantial increases" and "an ever increasing rate in recent years during a difficult economic climate in our country," it was referring to:
(a) Ticket prices
(b) Television rights fees
(c) "Madden" going for 60 bucks instead of 50
(d) How much league owners have to spend to make even more money. Sniff
9. NFL Players Association president Kevin Mawae called Atlanta Falcons rookie quarterback Matt Ryan's signing a six-year, $72 million contract "disheartening"
(a) Ryan has never played a down in the league, and that's hard for veterans to swallow
(b) Contracts like Ryan's ultimately raise the salary bar for all players, including veteran free agents
(c) Just A
10. Who is the current manager of the Detroit Tigers?
(a) Jim Leyland
(b) Ozzie Guillen
(c) MLB umpire Bob Davidson
(d) Andrew Dice Clay
11. In order to raise money, former MLB player Jose Canseco plans to:
(a) Write a tell-all book
(b) Auction off a day at his house
(c) Appear in an exploitative reality show
(d) Attempt film production with mysterious babes and 'chucks
(e) Write another tell-all book
(f) Fight a random person in Atlantic City for money
(g) Race a horse
(h) Follow lead of Kazuhito Tadano
12. Which of the following items reportedly will NOT be auctioned off in connection with this summer's MLB All-Star game at Yankee Stadium?
(a) Thurman Munson's World Series rings
(b) Lou Gehrig's warmup jacket
(c) Babe Ruth's 712th home run ball
(d) Clemens' used gauze pads, crushed beer can, workout football
13. Dallas Cowboys cornerback Pacman Jones told the Dallas Morning News that he's been getting a lot of:
(a) Help from new teammate Tank Johnson
(b) Cold calls and unsolicited, saliva-stained business cards from Dallas-area defense attorneys
14. When New England Patriots coach Bill Belichick told the CBS Evening News that "there's not a lot of credibility," he was referring to:
(a) His ongoing assertion that he did not know that videotaping opponents' signals was illegal
(b) His ongoing assertion that he did not know that videotaping opponents' signals was illegal, despite specific NFL rules prohibiting it,
(c) His ongoing assertion that he did not know that videotaping opponents' signals was illegal, despite the specific NFL rules prohibiting it being written in English, as opposed to German or Swahili or Esperanto
(d) Former team video assistant Matt Walsh
15. To support his contention that Walsh "tried to make it seem like we're buddies and belong to the same book club" and that Walsh embarrassed himself by "talking about game-planning
and advising coordinators," Belichick cited evidence including:
16. Which of the following is most likely to be a selection in Belichick's book club?
(a) Dare to be True: Living in the Freedom of Complete Honesty
(b) The Power of Charm: How to Win Over Anyone in Any Situation
(c) Off the Cuff: The Guy's Guide to Looking Good
(d) None of the above
17. The commander of a Moscow mounted police unit known as "Cobra" told Bloomberg News that:
(a) He would have an unimaginable "amount of force" on the streets for the Champions League final soccer match between Chelsea and Manchester United
(b) English soccer hooliganism is a disease, and he is the cure
18. When Hank Aaron said, "Be careful before you make choices. Avoid shortcuts. They are quick fixes and unrewarding," he was addressing:
(a) Barry Bonds
(b) Barry Bonds
(c) Barry Bonds
(d) The graduating class at Concordia University
19. Detroit Lions executive Tom Lewand reportedly threatened to "come after" Oakland Press writer Pat Caputo for:
(a) Writing that there is a correlation between the tone set by Lions management and the phrase "F--- 'em until next year," which was used in an internal Lions e-mail discussing a disgruntled season-ticket holder
(b) Prematurely revealing the Lions' marketing slogan for the 2008-09 season
20. Los Angeles Galaxy midfielder David Beckham earned a yellow card for:
(a) Shoving FC Dallas defender Adrian Serioux after Serioux was red-carded for a hard tackle on Beckham
(b) Wait -- David Beckham was playing soccer?
21. Stating that he hoped improved drug testing would finally clean up track and field, world and Olympic 400-meter champion Jeremy Wariner asked fans to "believe in ____"
(b) The tooth fairy
(c) Iraqi WMD
22. A convicted steroids dealer reportedly met with NFL security officials to discuss:
(a) Players who bought steroids from him
(b) Players who bought steroids from him to give to their baseball-playing, track-running and bicycle-riding friends, since everyone knows that the NFL has the Toughest Drug Program In Sports® and that "Playmakers" was as realistic as "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer"
23. Match the duration of time former NBA player Charles Barkley vowed to abstain from gambling in column A with the odds of said abstinence actually occurring in column B:
(b) "For right now"
(c) "For the next year or two"
(d) Too late! Chuck just busted on a hand!
(e) 16 trillion-1
24. Barkley : timely payment of gaming debts
(a) NBA and NHL : rapid conclusion of postseason
(b) Democrats : speedy resolution of internecine primary warfare
(c) Axl Rose : quick turnaround of recorded albums
(d) All of the above
25. Terrell Owens : happy with my contract
(a) Rush Limbaugh : Hillary is A-OK
(b) Amy Winehouse : just say no
(c) Larry Brown : screw it, let's play basketball the wrong way
(d) All of the above
26. Drogba : Champion's League final
(a) Zidane : World Cup final
(b) Bloggin' reporter : NCAA baseball final
(c) Lindsay Lohan : whatever crummy movie she was set to make
(d) All of the above
27. According to the Boston Herald, New England Patriots quarterback Tom Brady gave three of his offensive linemen:
(a) Audi Q7s
(b) Audi 18-1s
28. A Las Vegas-based software company announced a "Frat Party Games" series of Nintendo Wii video games, with the first being:
(a) Beer Pong
(b) Vomit Scrub
(c) Phoenix Wright: Date Rape Defense Attorney
(d) Draw on Reggie Love's Face
29. A Dallas strip club where a 12-year-old girl reportedly danced nude:
(a) Will be allowed to keep its license
(b) Is managed by Karl Malone, R. Kelly, Jerry Lee Lewis and Clemens
(c) Just A
30. Which of the following news items sound related, but probably aren't?
(a) Chess champ Garry Kasparov's Moscow speech interrupted by remote-controlled flying penis
(b) Isiah Thomas in Europe on scouting mission
(c) All of the above
According to the New York Times, federal investigators plan to question as many as 104 MLB players who flunked anonymous 2003 steroid tests.
In 800 words or fewer, determine whether 104 MLB players dumb enough to flunk steroid tests will be able to provide federal investigators with any information of actual value.
ANSWER KEY: 1, d, and the horror; 2, a, and thanks to Kurt Snibbe; 3, d, though who really knows?; 4, all answers valid; 5, c, we think; 6, a, and if this means no NFL mock drafts, then 2011 can't come fast enough; 7-8, d, and we guess billion-buck TV rights deals and publicly-funded stadiums don't go as far as they used to; 9, a or c; 10, a, and [expletive]!; 11, f, for now; 12, d; 13, a, and hopefully he'll hire T.O.'s former publicist; 14-16, d, and a little bit of unsolicited PR advice for Coach Palpatine: Stop acting like a victim here, you're the guy who was cheating; 17, a; 18, d, and we're sure he was just speaking in the abstract; 19, a, and that ought to be the title of Matt Millen's leadership secrets book; 20, a; 21, d, and ah-ha-ha-ha-ha whew; 23, a, and must have been a short discussion, it's not like NFL steroid use is so prevalent that even the punters are juicing; 23, a-e, b-f, c-g, d-h; 24-26, d; 27, a; 28, a, and thank goodness, it's not as though Wii Sports isn't one of the greatest drinking games ever or anything; 29, a or c; 30, a, and no, we're not making this up; Essay Question: Any variation on "Who knows? These are the some of the same guys dumb enough to write personal checks to clubbies and have steroids delivered to their home addresses" is acceptable.
Patrick Hruby is a columnist for Page 2. Sound off to Patrick here.