As we kneel at the altar of Chamberlain, we have a quiz
1. Which of the following coaches was fired this week?
(a) Flip Saunders
(b) Mike Dunleavy
(c) P.J. Carlesimo
(d) Marc Iavaroni
2. Which of the following individuals finished third in the Alabama Democratic primary for November's U.S. Senate election?
(a) Mark "No NCAA" Townsend
(b) David "What did Mike Price do that was so bad anyway?" Jones
(c) Jim "Why the heck did the BCS stick it to Auburn back in 2004?" Freeman
(d) Stanley "Let's build some luxury condos in Tuscaloosa with Hurricane Katrina money!" Andrews
3. Centuries from now historians will say the most culturally significant event to occur in Yankee Stadium was:
(a) Joba Chamberlain's first start
(b) Joba Chamberlain's second start
(c) Joba Chamberlain's third start
(d) Joba Chamberlain's return to the bullpen
4. The downside to a Lakers-Celtics NBA Finals is:
(a) Old clips of Kurt Rambis
(b) New clips of Sam Cassell
(c) Old clips of guys in short shorts
(d) New clips of Larry Bird
(e) All of the above
5. If you're a single guy looking for love, you're best bet is to:
(a) Use an Internet dating service
(b) Have a friend set you up
(c) Go to Russia and pick out a wife
(d) Pretend to be a former NBA player so an unsuspecting girl will sleep with you
6. Tiger Woods is spent most of his time recovering from knee surgery by:
(a) Spending time with his family
(b) Trying to stay in shape
(c) Overseeing his investments
(d) Hating hockey
7. High school hoops powerhouse American Christian Academy decided to close its doors because:
(a) They're out of money
(b) They're relocating to Oklahoma City
(c) They're run by Isiah Thomas
(d) They're over the salary cap
Nick Laham/Getty Images
Due to its rumored healing powers, Joba Chamberlain attempts to gather his sweat to donate to local hospitals.
(a) Ponzi scheme
(b) Internet scam
(c) Trip to Vegas with Charles Barkley
(d) Investment in "Speed Racer" merchandise
9. In a recent interview, who did Bridget Moynihan say she turned to for reassurance during her pregnancy?
(a) Former boyfriend Tom Brady
(b) A member of the clergy
(c) A therapist
(d) "I, Robot" co-star Will Smith
10. Why did the Seattle Mariners eject a lesbian couple from a recent game?
(a) The women were allegedly "making out" and "groping"
(b) To provide a much-needed distraction from what the Mariners are putting on the field this season
11. Which of the following headlines is made up?
(a) "The New Club Drug: Preparation H?"
(b) "Prankster hurt in 'mooning' gone wrong"
(c) "Texas woman wins a free funeral at baseball game"
(d) None of the above
12. Who was named starting quarterback of the AFL's Kansas City Brigade?
(a) Quincy Carter
(b) Tommy Maddox
(c) Jeff Blake
(d) Jay Fiedler
13. Moises Alou has recently changed his tune and claimed he would have caught the "Bartman Ball" in Game 6 of the 2003 NLCS. Alou neglected to mention:
(a) THAT THE CUBS LOST GAME 7!
(b) THAT THE CUBS LOST GAME 7! (In a game in which they had a two-run lead)
(c) THAT THE CUBS LOST GAME 7! (In a game in which Kerry Wood hit a two-run homer but gave up seven earned runs)
(d) THAT THE CUBS LOST GAME 7! (in a series in which they were up 3-1)
(e) Sadly, all of the above
14. Dolphins rookie free agent Kory Robertson decided to prepare for his first NFL season by:
(a) Attending every minicamp
(b) Asking coach Tony Sparano and Bill Parcells for training tips
(c) Staying in Miami to be closer to the team complex
15. What will be the biggest effect from Travis Henry being cut by the Broncos?
(a) The Broncos will have to redesign their running scheme
(b) More NFL teams will release players based on character
(c) Dozens of children will starve
(d) Michael Pittman will be the next 1,000-yard rusher for Denver
16. Former All-Star Kevin Johnson is making headlines for:
(a) Running for mayor of Sacramento
(b) Questionable sexual relationships from his past
(c) Outspending his political opponents 3-to-1
(d) All of the above
17. Brown County Sheriff Dennis Kocken said Packers RB Noah Herron "used necessary, reasonable and justifiable force in protecting his life and property" when he:
(a) Prevented Najah Davenport from going into his closet
(b) Stopped a reporter from asking him about Brett Favre
(c) Saw a Dallas fan wearing a Pacman Jones jersey
(d) Used a bed post to knock out a burglar in his home
18. Patriots OL Nick Kaczur recently:
(a) Lost his official status as one of Tom Brady's "seven layers of protection."
(b) Was arrested for drug possession, then wore a wire to help capture his supplier
(c) Answered press questions with "I don't know what you're talking about, bro."
(d) Both B & C
19. Michael Johnson returned his Olympic gold relay medal to the International Olympic Committee because:
(a) He couldn't afford to drive around with it due to high gas prices
(b) His relay teammate Antonio Pettigrew admitted that he took PEDs
(c) He discovered it didn't have delicious chocolate in the middle
(d) He accidentally put it in a Netflix envelope
20. Hulk Hogan's ex-wife Linda is rumored to be dating:
(a) A boy who is only one year older than her 17-year-old son
(b) A boy who used to be an altar server at her church
(c) A boy who played on sports teams with her son when they were growing up
(d) All of the above
21. In George Lucas' family, the summer of 2008 will be most remembered for:
(a) The success of "Indiana Jones and Kingdom of the Crystal Skull"
(b) The release of the animated film "The Clone Wars"
(c) Daughter Amanda's mixed martial arts debut (and loss) in New Zealand
(d) Pretty much A & B
22. Dallas CB Roy Williams recently said the persecution he faces from fans and critics is much like that suffered by:
(a) An unproven rookie
(b) A new high-priced free agent
(c) A player traded for a fan favorite
(d) Jesus Christ
ANSWER KEY: 1, a; 2, a; 3, d, and this will become Joba Rule No. 1; 4, e, the Legend isn't aging like a fine wine; 5, d, just ask that dude from Somerville, Mass.; 6, d; 7, a; 8, d, doh, should have gone with "Indiana Jones"; 9, d; 10, a, you stay classy, Seattle; 11, d; 12, a, seriously, you can Google it; 13, e, now get over yourselves; 14, d, looks like someone is watching too much "Real Sports"; 15, c; 16, d; 17, d, but the rest are definitely possibilities; 18, d, who better than to spy than a Patriot?; 19, b; 20, d, 21, d, safe to say "c" won't be talked about much; 22, d, there are no words.
Mike Philbrick and Thomas Neumann wrote this quiz. If you don't like it, we'll make the next one free.