Commentary

Power Rankings: Freezing edition

Originally Published: October 12, 2009
By Greg Hardy | Special to Page 2

Warm up to a brand new Monday of Page 2 Power Rankings! Our formula combines the results of two surveys: a human poll concocted by ESPN Page 2 contributor Gregory Hardy; and a scientifically calibrated poll generated by computer analysis. Unfortunately, the computer we tapped is the GPS device Christopher Columbus invented to steer the Santa Maria to the New World. On to the results!

1. Denver's Baseball Weather

Human Poll Computer Poll Power Points Trending
9.9 9.7 19.6

Credentials: In a simpler and sunnier age, Chicago Cubs icon Ernie Banks said, "It's a beautiful day for a ballgame ... let's play two!" In October 2009, baseball numskulls looked at The Weather Channel and said, "It's going to be around freezing tonight for our playoff ballgame ... let's wait a day and hope our resin bags don't turn to iceballs!" On the other hand, these conditions could have meant it was our only chance to see an honorary opening pitch courtesy of Ted Williams' frozen head.


2. Obama's Nobel Peace Prize

Human Poll Computer Poll Power Points Trending
9.1 9.6 18.7

Credentials: Those nutty Europeans. If they're not denying your adopted hometown the Summer Olympic Games, they're giving you a super warm-and-fuzzy thumbs-up because, well, someday you might convince people to stop blowing each other up. Just to show the world he's ready to start turning that promise into results concerning our most pressing security issues, Obama flew straight to Deion Sanders' house to get to the bottom of this whole Dez Bryant mess.


3. Rush Limbaugh

Human Poll Computer Poll Power Points Trending
8.6 8.7 17.3

Credentials: Sources close to the NFL Players Association say this is the union's secret list of people it would prefer see as owner of the St. Louis Rams ahead of the conservative talk-show host: 1.Osama Bin Laden's bookie; 2. a zombiefied Bill Murray; 3. Ryan Seacrest's chest hair; 4. Lady Gaga's chest hair; 5. O.J. Simpson.


4. Metrodome's Magic is Done

Human Poll Computer Poll Power Points Trending
8.4 8.5 16.9

Credentials: Sorry, Twins fans. Putting Carl Pavano on the mound was not enough to avoid a sweep to the Yankees. Then again, that's like being surprised to learn that icebergs scraping the hull of the Titanic would have a negative effect on its ability to stay afloat another few hours.


5. Tebow's Head

Human Poll Computer Poll Power Points Trending
8.1 8.4 16.5

Credentials: Florida's quarterback returned from his concussion in good enough shape to march the No. 1 Gators past LSU in Baton Rouge, 13-3. But coach Urban Meyer refused to confirm whether one of the tests doctors conducted to determine the Heisman winner's mental progress was letting Tebow place his name and position on a 2010 NFL mock draft board.


6. Marge Simpson in Playboy

Human Poll Computer Poll Power Points Trending
8.0 8.2 16.2

Credentials: Is this an inspired gesture on the part of the famous men's magazine to have its first hint of relevancy in years, or just a lame and awkward attempt to sell a few more copies of the November issue to the Comic Book Guys of the world? Actually, if you want to talk about awkward ... wait until she finds a copy underneath Bart's mattress.


7. Unbeaten Broncos

Human Poll Computer Poll Power Points Trending
7.6 8.0 15.6

Credentials: Coach Josh McDaniels is so hot after a 5-0 start and statement win over mentor Bill Belichick that Major League Baseball just asked the 33-year-old Denver coach if it can play a few postseason baseball games under his armpits while they're stuck in town.


8. Cardinals, Red Sox Swept

Human Poll Computer Poll Power Points Trending
7.2 8.1 15.3

Credentials: For anyone upset that we're missing a repeat of the 2004 St. Louis versus Boston World Series, think of it this way: We're also avoiding any temptation on the part of Jimmy Fallon to re-team with Drew Barrymore on his talk show to squeeze any more mileage out of their "Fever Pitch" days.


9. Raiders kerfuffles

Human Poll Computer Poll Power Points Trending
6.5 7.2 13.7

Credentials: It's not surprising that the Raiders would decline to comment on allegations by exiled defensive assistant coach Randy Hanson that coach Tom Cable had wanted to kill him in an alleged Aug. 5 assault. What's highly surprising is that Al Davis announced today he was redesigning the team logo to include the evil face of the puppet from the "Saw" movies.


10. Next Redskins coach? Apply within

Human Poll Computer Poll Power Points Trending
7.1 6.1 13.2

Credentials: It's entirely possible that Jim Zorn will get his team turned around with a win against the Kansas City Chiefs on Sunday. Unfortunately, the Redskins don't play the Chiefs every single week of the season after that. And even if they did, the Skins would probably go 5-6 against them in that slate, tops.


11. Tiger Woods

Human Poll Computer Poll Power Points Trending
5.2 5.4 10.6

Credentials: Sure, the world's No. 1 golfer went 5-0 in the Presidents Cup. But if you really wanted to get an interesting response in his postmatch interviews, someone should have asked him when he's going to go 5-0 in his next run of majors. Hilarity would certainly ensue. Either that, or a 9-iron to the left nostril.


12. Cirque du Soleil founder Guy Laliberte

Human Poll Computer Poll Power Points Trending
4.0 4.2 8.2

Credentials: This guy is so rich, he just paid a reported $35 million to spend 12 days in space. Boy, that's a lot of money to climb into a Russian rocket to get aboard the International Space Station. You'd have thought someone at work could just shoot him out of a giant cannon for free.


13. WNBA finals

Human Poll Computer Poll Power Points Trending
3.1 2.8 5.9

Credentials: We would love to give $15,000* to the first reader who can name the 2009 WNBA champion ... without any help from Google. That includes Googling what "WNBA" stands for.

*would love to, but won't


Also receiving votes:
• U.S. vs. Honduras: The Americans qualified for the World Cup! Unfortunately, because this happened during a college football Saturday, no one noticed except the field goal kickers.

• Bobby Bowden: Experts predict that the longtime Florida State coach is within six games of beating Joe Paterno in their eternal race for one of them to be the first old-timey coach to be chased out of town by a mob with torches and pitchforks.

• Jimmie Johnson wins fourth Chase for the Cup title in a row: Yeah, there are still six races left, but we wanted to beat the rush.

Never receiving votes:
• My fantasy football team: Got a combined zero points from starters DeSean Jackson and Willis McGahee ... and still won the week by nine points. I'm in such a good mood after I dodged that bullet that I'll be sure to give those guys actual goose eggs as severance payment once they're on the waiver wire.

• Miley Cyrus deletes her Twitter account: Quite a loss for the social network site ... but the greatest pop musician feed would be if Spinal Tap had an account where they took the character count only up to 11.

• Viagra guy: Don't you think that talking to your reflection should be listed under side effects? "See a doctor if you have an erection lasting longer than four hours, or if you start talking to your reflection in front of Starbucks." More importantly -- do you think when he hooks up with his wife in front of a full-length mirror he talks to his reflection then too?

Greg Hardy is a Page 2 contributor. It's all pop culture all the time at Twitter.com/HardyVision.

Greg Hardy is a Page 2 contributor. It's all pop culture all the time at Twitter.com/HardyVision.