Power Rankings: Balloon edition
Lift off your Monday with the Page 2 Power Rankings! Our formula combines the results of two surveys: A human poll concocted by ESPN Page 2's Greg Hardy; and a scientifically calibrated poll generated by computer analysis. Unfortunately, the computer we tapped is the remote control Charlie Weis used to put one second back on the clock at Notre Dame Stadium. To the results!
| Human Poll | Computer Poll | Power Points | Trending |
| 9.8 | 9.7 | 19.5 |  |
Credentials: If there's one thing that years of "Scooby-Doo" cartoons have taught us, it's what scam artists scream after they get tripped up: "I would have gotten away with it if it weren't for you meddling kids!" Well, here's Hint No. 1 if you're planning a "chase my UFO balloon on live TV hoax": Don't have your hoax revolve around the participation of a meddling kid! Because he might just spill the beans during a live Wolf Blitzer interview. As Scooby would say: "Ruh-roh!"
| Human Poll | Computer Poll | Power Points | Trending |
| 9.1 | 9.5 | 18.6 |  |
Credentials: Christmas came early if you had Tom Brady in your starting lineup: The Patriots' QB threw five touchdown passes in the second quarter in the snow on the throwback-clad Tennessee Titans on the way to a 59-0 win. Next stop: London, against the 0-6 Bucs, where Bill Belichick is going to demand Brady top himself -- say by throwing six TDs in the first quarter to himself, blindfolded, while wearing a Buckingham Palace Guard uniform. Have you seen the Bucs' defense? This actually shouldn't be a problem.
| Human Poll | Computer Poll | Power Points | Trending |
| 8.8 | 8.7 | 17.5 | |
Credentials: It used to be that if the words "clutch at the plate" and "October" were being used to describe Alex Rodriguez, that meant someone was screwing with his Wikipedia page. We're still a whole bunch of wins away from handing him a World Series ring, but Yankees fans have to feel good that when the game is on the line he knows he's allowed to jack the ball over the fence instead of popping it 60 feet in the air back to the pitcher.
| Human Poll | Computer Poll | Power Points | Trending |
| 8.7 | 8.6 | 17.3 | |
Credentials: This week's contest: Can you think of any knock on the Saints' QB after he tore up the Giants for 369 yards and four touchdowns? Hmm, let's see. Well, I don't remember him throwing beads to the Mardi Gras-like home crowd between offensive series. And I seriously doubt he rebuilt any Katrina-ravaged homes during halftime. I guess the media will keep building him up to NFC title game-worthy status until something's proven otherwise.
| Human Poll | Computer Poll | Power Points | Trending |
| 7.7 | 8.2 | 15.9 | |
Credentials: Breaking news alert! Coach Jim Zorn will no longer be in charge of the offensive play calling for the Washington Redskins. Rather, he's to refocus his energies into being this season's "scapegoat." That's going to involve walking around a lot on all fours, which means it's good he won't have to carry around a clipboard or play sheet anymore. Now CRAWL!
| Human Poll | Computer Poll | Power Points | Trending |
| 8.0 | 7.6 | 15.6 | |
Credentials: It appears as though $80,000 worth of jewelry was stolen from Kourtney Kardashian's Southern California home, including a $30,000 Cartier watch. Not to blame the victim, but there might have been one fatal flaw in her home-security plan: She was counting on her new brother-in-law Lamar Odom to provide defense.
| Human Poll | Computer Poll | Power Points | Trending |
| 7.6 | 7.9 | 15.5 | |
Credentials: I've got nothing against the Phillies tearing it up on their way to a second straight pennant and World Series title. But rooting for Joe Torre and Manny Ramirez to play for all the marbles in Yankee Stadium has got to be worth keeping the fingers crossed that Brad Lidge will have to convert some save opportunities, right?
| Human Poll | Computer Poll | Power Points | Trending |
| 7.1 | 8.1 | 15.2 | |
Credentials: Yes, Spike Jonze's movie adaptation of the beloved children's book won its opening weekend with $32.5 million at the box office. No, this isn't the name of Kansas' Midnight Madness event where basketball players go in the Octagon against Jayhawks football players.
| Human Poll | Computer Poll | Power Points | Trending |
| 6.3 | 7.1 | 13.4 | |
Credentials: Beating the heavily favored Eagles will cure a lot of ills. Well, not cure. More like act like a nice, soothing, hot bowl of chicken soup to ease the pain of that harpoon that's sticking through your throat. And it's scary that we can add "Michael Vick Wildcat Package" onto the list of tricks you're not going to pull out of the hat when you need to beat the Raiders in Oakland in a pinch.
| Human Poll | Computer Poll | Power Points | Trending |
| 6.1 | 6.4 | 12.5 | |
Credentials: The Crimson Tide overtook the Gators as No. 1 in the AP poll, but are No. 2 in the initial BCS rankings. Not that any of that matters, since Alabama and Florida will likely play an elimination contest in the SEC title game again. With sophomore running back Mark Ingram suddenly a solid Heisman contender, the only thing Nick Saban has to worry about the rest of the way is Tim Tebow calling in a favor from the Big Booster in the Sky for superpowers, like, say, the ability to shoot lightning bolts from his fingertips to stop Ingram on fourth-and-goal.
| Human Poll | Computer Poll | Power Points | Trending |
| 5.2 | 5.1 | 10.3 | |
Credentials: Oh, there's one other inflatable news blow-up we wanted to mention: Liverpool lost a game 1-0 because a ball shot by a Sunderland player went in the goal after deflecting off a red beach ball that had floated into the penalty area and had "Liverpool" printed on its side. Seems like some Liverpool fan who was in the crowd behind the net picked the wrong day to bring a wayward beach ball to the stadium instead of a large foam "We're No. 1!" finger. Oh well, soccer fans ... live and learn ... and lose.
| Human Poll | Computer Poll | Power Points | Trending |
| 4.4 | 4.1 | 8.5 | |
Credentials: The two old boxers met on Oprah's show, where they settled the peace on their 1997 bout in which Tyson bit off a piece of Holyfield's ear. To celebrate, Oprah announced an upcoming live pay-per-view special to watch her get inked with a Mike Tyson face tattoo.
| Human Poll | Computer Poll | Power Points | Trending |
| 4.2 | 3.8 | 8.0 |  |
Credentials: We're not saying they're having trouble keeping up with the pace of the game, but we've owned rotary phones that can make faster calls than they're capable of.
Also receiving votes:
• Happy birthday, Mike Ditka: You've hit 70! Wow, you're old enough to remember when the Bears were good.
• NASCAR: What's in a name? Hmm, Bank of America, in the wake of receiving federal bailout money, rebranded the race it sponsored over the weekend to the more generic and less-controversial sounding "Banking 500." In an unrelated story, the race sponsored by Flomax will now be known as "The Dry Run 500."
• My fantasy football team: Matt Schaub (37 points) + DeAngelo Williams (27 points) + Visanthe Shiancoe (16 points) + Lawrence Tynes (12 points) = Maybe This Desperation Chorus of Characters Can Get Me to the Playoffs After All.
Never receiving votes:
• Mark Sanchez: Five interceptions in an overtime loss to the Bills. Is the Jets' QB trying to make New Yorkers wish the Mets were still playing?
• Blackjack Taco: The TV announcer ends the commercial by crowing that this thing is "Exclusively at Taco Bell!" ... yeah, like any place else would dare enter the culinary arena of the taco.
Greg Hardy is a Page 2 contributor. It's all pop culture all the time at Twitter.com/HardyVision.
