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Chris McGrath/Getty ImagesHey, Johnny! Great job ... you know what, why don't you just take third base.

Steal into Monday with the Page 2 Power Rankings! Our formula combines the results of two surveys: A human poll concocted by ESPN Page 2's Gregory Hardy; and a scientifically calibrated poll generated by computer analysis. Unfortunately, the computer we tapped is the mainframe that runs the Big Ten headquarters, whose hard drive blew up when it was fed the result that Illinois beat Michigan 38-13. To the results!

Human Poll	Computer Poll	Power Points	Trending
9.9	9.8	19.7

Credentials: Long story short: "Who's on first?" Johnny Damon. "What's on second?" Well, third baseman Pedro Feliz shifted to cover second. So who on the Phillies was covering third base on a steal attempt in the ninth inning with the score tied? "I don't know." Poor third base ... ever the punch line ...

Human Poll	Computer Poll	Power Points	Trending
9.5	9.1	18.6

Credentials: Why was there no excessive celebration on the part of the Vikings quarterback after a 38-26 win in the House that Cheeseheads Built? Because Favre remembered the first rule of of not being a sore winner: "Act like you've been there before." And if there's a place where he's been there before, this is it.

Human Poll	Computer Poll	Power Points	Trending
9.0	8.8	17.8

Credentials: What's the more shocking confession in his memoir: That the eight-time Grand Slam winner bluffed his way out of his crystal meth suspensions with the ATP, or Agassi telling about his weave coming apart at the French Open? As a special thank you to his truest fans who have stood by through tragedy and triumph, the first 100 people who preorder a copy of "Open" will receive a special deluxe edition that can be ground into powder form and snorted.

Human Poll	Computer Poll	Power Points	Trending
9.0	8.4	17.4

Credentials: The cliché about the weekend where you turn the clock back an hour is that you get extra time to recuperate the morning after. But when the time change happens on a major party weekend like Halloween, the problem is that you spend that extra hour partying hard. Thus you now need an extra two hours to recuperate for that overtime party hour. So instead of gaining an hour, you've lost an extra three hours per extra hour partied. Are you dizzy from thinking about that? Our weekend has left us expecting to be thoroughly dizzy through at least Wednesday. Owww ...

Human Poll	Computer Poll	Power Points	Trending
8.8	8.3	17.1

Credentials: No, you're not still suffering from a contact high from reading the Agassi entry. Despite six strikeouts in the first two games, this is probably going to be the case after heroics at the plate in Games 3 and 4. Wonder if we can get a picture of A-Rod kissing that outfield camera that he tagged in Game 3? But please, no tongue. We don't want Kate Hudson to get jealous.

Human Poll	Computer Poll	Power Points	Trending
8.6	8.1	16.7

Credentials: What Boba Fett is to "Star Wars" movies, this 24-year-old Australian blonde bombshell guitarist is to "Michael Jackson's This Is It." She's only featured in MJ's concert rehearsal footage for a couple of minutes, but her smooth presence, distinctive look and killer skills with her hardware all leave the audience realizing she must be one of the most dangerous sharpshooters in the galaxy. Whatever big concert series is next in her future, she won't need a jet pack to soar above the competition.

Human Poll	Computer Poll	Power Points	Trending
7.3	7.1	14.4

Credentials: Pop quiz: After beating Southern Cal 47-20, that sound you just heard was (a) the changing of the guard in the Pac-10; (b) Pete Carroll trying to think up something clever for his Twitter feed; (c) LeGarrette Blount wishing he could get a shot in; or (d) the Ducks' uniforms just morphed into a new color scheme. RUN! IT'S ALIVE! IT SMELLS FEAR!

Human Poll	Computer Poll	Power Points	Trending
7.3	6.2	13.5

Credentials: After scoring 41 points on Atlanta, Kobe Bryant says the credit for his surge belongs to Ron Artest's defensive intensity. Which proves that the Lakers' success this season in Kobe's mind is that he is free to pile up points while Artest is free to pile up adjectives.

Human Poll	Computer Poll	Power Points	Trending
7.1	6.1	13.2

Credentials: Surely, there's a parallel universe where the headline "Young leads Titans to victory" is a common sighting. For whatever reasons, around these here parts that headline is about as common as "Lady Gaga wins Nobel Prize for Physics." (Editor's note: If you ever find yourself in the parallel universe where Lady Gaga wins a Nobel Prize for Physics, ask her to create a device that will immediately return you to this dimension. You're just going to want to play it safe like that.)

Human Poll	Computer Poll	Power Points	Trending
6.5	6.2	12.7

Credentials: Book it: A 222.5-pound meatball was Guinness-certified as the world's biggest at an Italian restaurant in New Hampshire. Geez, and up until now we thought Jimmy Fallon was the world's biggest meatball.

Human Poll	Computer Poll	Power Points	Trending
6.2	5.7	11.9

Credentials: Sure, there will always be snobs who'd claim they wouldn't be caught dead shopping at Wal-Mart. But now, the world's largest retailer can get you a great price on a final resting place for you or a loved one. But you do realize that this gives Wal-Mart execs a blank check to associate themselves with any dangerous products that come along, right? Imagine the secret board meeting: "On the one hand, this new brand of interior paint is in violation of just about every federal health regulation. On the other hand, if any jerks die, we can stick their relatives with the cost of a coffin."

Human Poll	Computer Poll	Power Points	Trending
5.6	5.8	11.4

Credentials: In the true glory of two pathetic pro sports teams playing each other, it's the visiting team that's able look itself in the mirror afterward with a win. Because heaven forbid the home team grows a spine and treats the home fans who paid $175 a ticket into getting their money's worth.

Human Poll	Computer Poll	Power Points	Trending
4.5	4.2	8.7

Credentials: We realize it just might be a smidgen harder to beat the Yankees in the Fall Classic than the Tampa Bay Rays. But for Philly fans, this has got to have the feeling of those times when a successful movie franchise rolls out its latest big-budget, super-hyped sequel, but it stinks out loud. What we're saying is that Cole Hamels is Christian Bale in "Terminator Salvation," minus the yelling at the crew.

Also receiving votes:
• New York City Marathon: Thanks to Meb Keflezighi, we can say: "U-S-A! U-S-A!"

• Vancouver Olympic Torch Relay Begins: Can-a-da! Can-a-da! ... yeah, not quite the same ring.

• My fantasy team: At the close of NFL business on Sunday, I was up on my opponent 116-58. But she's still got Michael Turner and Marques Colston ready to play in Monday night's Falcons-Saints game. Not to taunt the fantasy gods, but I am going to pencil in a W for this contest.

Never receiving votes:
• "Paranormal Activity": Every write-up says it's the scariest movie you'll see this year; all the people we know who've seen it say they want their two hours and $9 back. Which is it?

• New "V" miniseries: We understand the business reasons why ABC would remake the cheesy-classic '80s sci-fi TV show. Here's the time-space conundrum that's warping our minds, though: Don't any of the characters in the remake, when they see the "we come in peace" alien ships arrive above earth, think to themselves: "I hope these friendly aliens aren't actually lizard people who seek to destroy us, like in that cheesy-classic sci-fi show I used to watch in the '80s."

• Tennessee Volunteers fashion sense: Against South Carolina on Halloween night, the football team came out in white helmets, black jerseys and orange pants. If Lane Kiffin is going to talk smack about anyone else on the planet this fall, he better have some choice words for the equipment manager who arranged this horrendous look.

Greg Hardy is a Page 2 contributor. It's all pop culture all the time at Twitter.com/HardyVision.