Commentary

Power Rankings: Bucco Bruce rules!

Originally Published: November 9, 2009
By Greg Hardy | Special to Page 2

Kellen WinslowAP Photo/Steve NesiusAll hail the creamsicle orange of Bucco Bruce Nation!

Ahoy, Monday! It's the Page 2 Power Rankings! Our formula combines the results of two surveys: a human poll concocted by ESPN Page 2's Gregory Hardy; and a scientifically calibrated poll generated by computer analysis. Unfortunately, the software we tapped comes from the day planner for the guy who runs the nonstop, cram-it-down-our-throats marketing for the "Twilight" movies. Enough already! We get it! "New Moon" is almost here! Geez, in some parts of the world it's the vampires who are immortal, not the ad campaign. Leave us alone so we can get to the results!

1. Creamsicle Power

Human Poll Computer Poll Power Points Trending
9.6 9.8 19.4

Credentials: The only way those retro Tampa Bay Buccaneers uniforms could be any more of an eyesore is if you could take the dagger clenched in Buccaneer Bruce's teeth and use it to stab your eyes out. This is the look that graced the Yucks when they went 0-14 in their inaugural season in 1976. At 0-7 entering Sunday, these were the perfect clothes to repeat an imperfect season -- until rookie Josh Freeman threw for 205 yards and three touchdowns in his first start as the Bucs pounded the Packers 38-28. It's official: Orange, red and white is now the most successful color scheme in the universe. Vanquish your foes with the orange, turn their blood into poison with the red, and try not to get stadium hot dog mustard on the white. That never comes out.


2. Perfect Colts and Saints

Human Poll Computer Poll Power Points Trending
9.2 8.8 18.0

Credentials: Week 9 saw some narrow escapes for Indy and New Orleans, but the AFC and NFC still offer us a pair of undefeated teams. Now, everyone knows the '72 Dolphins pop open champagne once the final undefeated team falls. But it's a little-known bylaw in the charter of the 1972 Dolphins' Perfect Season Club that if two undefeated teams ever meet in the Super Bowl, the old-timers will have to run up and down South Beach in cocktail dresses for the duration of halftime.


3. A-Rod

Human Poll Computer Poll Power Points Trending
8.8 8.3 17.1

Credentials: He might not have been named the World Series MVP, but he's still rich enough to order 5,000 duplicates of the trophy built for him with his name engraved on them if he wants. Also he can tone down his wooing of LeBron James to join the Knicks. Previously, part of Rodriguez's motive to lure LeBron to town was so that he would have someone who could absorb criticism with him during the inevitable yearly chorus of "When are those jerks finally going to win anything for us?" At least now any wooing would be an honest attempt to have more Wii Fit time together.


4. "Mad Men" season finale

Human Poll Computer Poll Power Points Trending
8.2 8.7 16.9

Credentials: We don't want to give away any of the plot twists of how Season 3 ends, so we'll tell you about the spec script we pitched to the "MM" producers: The Sterling Cooper gang finds a time-traveling DeLorean and uses it to visit the future and steal the best ideas for TV commercials. For example, Apple's famous "1984" commercial? Originally in the timeline, that spot aired in 1987, but Don Draper insists on pushing up the date as though it were new. Then, Don has to use the DeLorean to go back in his past and make sure his parents will meet in a degrading way that will make him even more screwed up and miserable.


5. Notre Dame hot seat

Human Poll Computer Poll Power Points Trending
8.4 8.3 16.7

Credentials: Having lost twice at home to Navy, which aquatic adjective best describes Charlie Weis' status as coach of the Irish beyond this season? (A) washed up; (B) blown off course; (C) drowning; (D) capsized; (E) buried at sea; (F) "ARGHHH!! Giant DEMON SQUID!! Its tentacle's got my leg! Help! HELP!!!"; (G) all of the above.


6. Allen Iverson and Grizzlies

Human Poll Computer Poll Power Points Trending
8.3 8.1 16.4

Credentials: Memphis granted A.I. some time off to go back to Atlanta as the veteran guard tries to figure out if he can come to terms with being a guy who comes in off the bench. Adding insult: Iverson was delayed more than seven hours past his original departure time because the only tickets he could get were standby.


7. Godzilla-sized sushi

Human Poll Computer Poll Power Points Trending
7.9 7.8 15.7

Credentials: The fun news: UC Berkeley students dressed as ninjas to help construct a 330-foot California roll for a world record. The tragic news: The truck carrying the three tons of wasabi that was ordered to go with the sushi was sabotaged by real ninjas on the Golden Gate Bridge into jackknifing and flipping over. The sheer quantity of green, spicy paste meant the entire span was melted in under four minutes.


8. Andre Agassi

Human Poll Computer Poll Power Points Trending
7.6 7.5 15.1

Credentials: Some new revelations in his book about the lies he has endured: For the first three months of his marriage to Brooke Shields, he had her convinced that he was not a professional tennis player but rather a door-to-door mayonnaise salesman; for two entire years on the ATP Tour in the mid-'90s, he strapped tennis rackets to his feet and hit the ball with his shoe; he was paranoid that every time he used his Canon to take a picture, the Canon was in fact encoding his retina with top-secret Pentagon data about submarines made of bologna; and this entire book was, in fact, written by a bear.


9. Bengals-Cowboys Super Bowl

Human Poll Computer Poll Power Points Trending
7.1 7.3 14.4

Credentials: OK, it's early, but each is 6-2 and atop its respective division. Cincinnati is especially impressive with a 4-0 mark against the AFC North. Too bad these teams don't play each other this season at new Cowboys Stadium, because you know Chad Ochocinco would have come up with some celebration involving the ginormous video board -- either rappelling off it or using a jet pack to fly up to it. There's no way his ego would let him be confined to just being hemmed in on that screen.


10. "A Christmas Carol"

Human Poll Computer Poll Power Points Trending
6.8 7.1 13.9

Credentials: With a $31 million opening weekend, Jim Carrey and Robert Zemeckis tried to bring some Yuletide cheer to the multiplex just as the Halloween decorations started to get put away. Still, if Charles Dickens had intended the story of Ebenezer Scrooge to be told via motion capture animation, he would have said so on his video blog once he got his iBook back from the Regent Street Apple Store.


11. Horned Frogs livin' large

Human Poll Computer Poll Power Points Trending
6.3 6.1 12.4

Credentials: Texas Christian's football team has catapulted to No. 4 in the BCS standings. Seeing the Horned Frogs still in play for the BCS title game is like watching that new Weezer Snuggie commercial on YouTube. You know what Weezer looks like; you know what a Snuggie looks like. But seeing them together makes you do a double take. As in, is this for entertainment value only, or are we supposed to buy this?


12. Hockey Health Care

Human Poll Computer Poll Power Points Trending
5.5 5.1 10.6

Credentials: It looks like a senior staff member of Alberta's health services was fired after arranging for members of the Calgary Flames and their families to skip ahead of thousands of other patient Canucks in order to receive their H1N1 shots. Meanwhile, Canadian drugmakers are still scrambling to develop a vaccine that will make watching an NHL game more enjoyable than suffering from swine flu.


13. Manny Ramirez

Human Poll Computer Poll Power Points Trending
4.2 4.5 8.7

Credentials: What's finally known: The outfielder will stay with the Dodgers for one more year at $20 million. What's still unknown: As team owner Frank McCourt wades through his divorce proceedings, he and his wife must decide which one of them will receive custody of Manny. Frank McCourt is hoping he will get to see Manny at least during weekends of interleague play.


Also receiving votes:
• ESPN Page 2 redesign soon to be unveiled: The more we rearrange the cyberfurniture, the funnier we get. We have studies and data that back this up.

• "The Men who Stare at Goats": This is a movie, not a description of what Florida State coaches do all week rather than supervise the football players on the practice field.

• Taylor Swift "SNL": The 19-year-old singing sensation was just about the most adorable, natural, cute-as-a-button presence we've seen grace Studio 8H in a long while. Unfortunately, the staff writers who are supplying her material haven't had a fresh idea since she was 19 months old.

Never receiving votes:
• Mariah Carey, movie star: To earn positive reviews for her movie work, she has to play characters who look about as glamorous as the half-melted Milk Duds that are stuck to the movie theater floor.

• New Mexico women's soccer: They're a team that can beat you with their feet, with their heads and with a collapsible metal folding chair.

• Washington Redskins: They're a team that can beat you with ... um ... with, um ... gimme a minute ... um, with all the fan posters the stadium crew has confiscated? They could probably roll 'em up and knock you atop the head with 'em.

Greg Hardy is a Page 2 contributor. It's all pop culture all the time at Twitter.com/HardyVision.

Greg Hardy is a Page 2 contributor. It's all pop culture all the time at Twitter.com/HardyVision.