Commentary

Power Rankings: Ladies edition

Originally Published: December 7, 2009
By Greg Hardy | Special to Page 2

You've teed up the Page 2 Power Rankings! Our formula combines the results of two surveys: a human poll concocted by ESPN Page 2's Gregory Hardy; and a scientifically calibrated poll generated by computer analysis. Unfortunately, the computer we tapped is the English-Fuhgedaboutit/Fuhgedaboutit-English translator used behind the scenes on "Jersey Shore." To the results!

1. Tiger's women, women and more women

Human Poll Computer Poll Power Points Trending
9.7 9.6 19.3

Credentials: How many more gals are going to step up and say they've gone down the fairway to heaven with the world's No. 1 golfer? Every time the number increases to four or five or six or seven, the reaction is outrage. Well, if it gets to 10 or 11 or 12 or beyond, how dumb are the people who were shocked at "four" going to feel? Meanwhile, some scandal rags are prepared to pay top dollar to cocktail waitresses for their sexy stories. We here at the Power Rankings will pay $20 out of our own pockets if one player on the LPGA Tour can prove she's hooked up with Tiger.


2. 12-0 for Colts/Saints

Human Poll Computer Poll Power Points Trending
9.4 9.4 18.8

Credentials: Of course Peyton Manning is perfect. He's practically an Eagle Scout trying to earn his second Super Bowl Merit Badge. It's New Orleans' drive for 19-0 that defies belief. It's hard to think perfection can be in the cards for a team whose hometown economy is largely built on people behaving in ways that are so purposefully the opposite of perfect.


3. SEC Armageddon

Human Poll Computer Poll Power Points Trending
9.3 9.1 18.4

Credentials: Heavens! Someone check the satellite map. Atlanta still exists and is in one piece, right? After Nick Saban turned the Crimson Tide into an army of avenging archangels at the Georgia Dome, there was no telling what Biblical powers Tim Tebow was prepared to invoke to prevent a changing of the SEC guard. But it turns out it was the Gators who didn't have a prayer. So the Crimson Tide advance to the Pearly Gates of Pasadena, while Florida's quest for eternal glory ends in a Sugar Bowl purgatory. (Sorry if you're rolling your eyes at this point, but as Indiana Jones asked those army intelligence officers as he was trying to explain the Ark of the Covenant to them: "Didn't you guys ever go to Sunday school?")


4. Michael Vick cheered in Atlanta

Human Poll Computer Poll Power Points Trending
9.2 8.9 18.1

Credentials: Question -- What wears a green No. 7 jersey, has just returned to his native Atlanta, is cheered wildly when he enters the field on his own two legs, and can score touchdowns by running and throwing the ball? Yes, it's Skippy, the beleaguered Chihuahua that Vick had trained years ago that the Feds had never found.


5. Clock Management

Human Poll Computer Poll Power Points Trending
9.3 8.4 17.7

Credentials: OK, it's obvious that college football is never going to let us have a playoff. But here's the next best thing we can hope for: a lightning round. Heck, any coach can prepare an entire 60-minute game plan. But given the way LSU and Texas have treated the ball as the clock ticked down to one second left, maybe it would be more entertaining if each team, one game per season, is told out of the blue by an official in the middle of a game: "Hey, coach, we're going to the lightning round now. I know the clock says 10:32 left in the third quarter with you down 17-13, but we're putting one second on the clock right now and that's the end of the game. Tell your quarterback to spike the ball, and good luck getting that final touchdown." Sure, the fans in the stadium would be ripped off beyond belief, but it would make for exciting television.


6. Baseball Winter Meetings

Human Poll Computer Poll Power Points Trending
8.6 8.4 17.0

Credentials: General managers expect plenty of action at the proceedings in Indianapolis. Then again, baseball's definition of "action" is to make four pitching changes in one half of an inning. The big news is that the Yankees are dedicated to trimming their $208 million payroll. How will they achieve that? You guessed it: Everyone is getting the "free pretzels" clause stricken from their contracts. Sorry, A-Rod and Jeter. You're going to have to bring some change to the clubhouse now and get them out of the vending machines like the rest of us.


7. Heisman Watch

Human Poll Computer Poll Power Points Trending
8.1 8.0 16.1

Credentials: As much as we'd love to see Nebraska defensive tackle Ndamukong Suh win the trophy for wreaking havoc on the Longhorns, his final vote tally will sail wide of the uprights. Oops, right, don't want to make field goal references around him right now. It's an accident! Still, we're going to hide now until he travels to his bowl destination. Tell us when it's safe to come out from under our pile of media guides.


8. New Jersey Nets

Human Poll Computer Poll Power Points Trending
7.8 7.7 15.5

Credentials: Seriously, what can you say about a 1-19 record? Other than try coming up with a new team motto. Something like: "Thanks for sticking by us, fans! At this point, we'd like to remind all season plan holders that your tickets are nonrefundable."


9. World Cup Soccer Draw

Human Poll Computer Poll Power Points Trending
7.2 7.0 14.2

Credentials: All attempts at soccer analysis were given a red card once Charlize Theron took the stage. All we can say is that the minute she ever has a kid, she will instantly be voted Soccer Mom of the Year.


10. Allen Iverson

Human Poll Computer Poll Power Points Trending
6.7 6.4 13.1

Credentials: Here's the only explanation for how A.I. returned to Philly. Some jerk in Drexel Hill was cleaning out his basement and found some sort of magic monkey's paw in an old trunk. Right when he grabbed it is when this guy half-heartedly thought: "I wish the Sixers would return to their former glory." Now if he would have specifically asked for a return to 1983 championship glory, everything would have worked out spectacularly. Instead, the monkey's paw did with a vague wish what monkey's paws ALWAYS do with a vague wish: Turn it into an excruciating dagger that gets plunged into your heart.


11. Charlie Weis vs. Pete Carroll

Human Poll Computer Poll Power Points Trending
5.6 6.2 11.8

Credentials: Look, we don't want to butt into anyone's Internet rumor feud of who's living with whose hot grad students in what beach house with anyone's meth lab in the garage and Reggie Bush's old agent tied up and left for dead in the basement. All we know is that "Livin' Large With Pete and Charlie" would be the perfect reality show: Down-on-his-luck, out-of-work coach has to move in with his too-cool-for-school archrival who's starting to feel some heat of his own. Yes, it starts out very dicey and icy and adversarial. But together, they learn some valuable X's and O's about life.


12. Kimbo Slice

Human Poll Computer Poll Power Points Trending
5.5 4.9 10.4

Credentials: Won his UFC debut by unanimous decision. Actually, the judges were unanimously deciding that they can't wait to count down the days until the Manny Pacquiao-Floyd Mayweather fight, but hey, the rules are a little looser at this level. Slice will take whatever attention he can get.


13. Ron Artest

Human Poll Computer Poll Power Points Trending
5.4 4.7 10.1

Credentials: Lakers officials say they aren't concerned as to whether the NBA star was telling the truth when he claimed he used to drink Hennessy at halftime of games when he was with the Chicago Bulls. But Staples Center management did confirm that December's traditional all-you-can-drink eggnog policy in the locker rooms is hereby canceled.


Also receiving votes:
• Horned Frogs: TCU went through an undefeated season just to play fellow non-BCS team Boise State in the Fiesta Bowl? Isn't that like studying all year to get a perfect SAT score thinking you could get to Harvard, then after you ace the test you learn you won a scholarship to The Dustin Diamond Acting Academy?

• Meredith Baxter: No, we're not here to talk about any announcement regarding her orientation. We just wanted an excuse to point out it's been 10 years since we've made our last "Whatever happened to Tina Yothers in the past 10 years?" reference. Seriously, whatever happened to Tina Yothers?

• Holiday charity: We were going to donate $1 million to the Hofstra football team, but the school just pulled the plug on the entire program last week. Looks like we'll just spend all that money on Rebel Yell bourbon for our New Year's party again.

Never receiving votes:
• Vikings speeding tickets: Adrian Peterson and Bernard Berrian each were clocked for driving 100-plus mph on Minnesota roads within days of each other. Tsk-tsk. They wouldn't have been in that situation if they would have taken their quarterback's lead and driven a tractor everywhere.

Greg Hardy is a Page 2 contributor. It's all pop culture all the time at Twitter.com/HardyVision.

Back to Page 2 | Comment

• Philbrick: Page 2's Greatest Hits, 2000-2012
• Caple: Fond memories of a road warrior
• Snibbe: An illustrated history of Page 2
Philbrick, Gallo: Farewell podcast Listen

Greg Hardy is a Page 2 contributor. It's all pop culture all the time at Twitter.com/HardyVision.