Commentary

Power Rankings: Endorsement edition

Originally Published: December 14, 2009
By Greg Hardy | Special to Page 2

Thanks for endorsing the Page 2 Power Rankings! Our formula combines the results of two surveys: A human poll concocted by ESPN Page 2's Gregory Hardy, and a scientifically calibrated poll generated by computer analysis. Unfortunately, the computer we tapped is the one Showtime uses to determine which characters get whacked completely out of the blue on "Dexter." To the results!

1. Tiger's Endorsements

Human Poll Computer Poll Power Points Trending
9.8 9.9 19.7

Credentials: Oops! There goes your deal with Accenture. And Gillette is backing away slowly, but might break into a run at any minute. Well, the best way to start recouping that money is to dive right back in and endorse businesses that fit your new image. Then again ... have fun on that island in Sweden.


2. 13-0 for Colts/Saints

Human Poll Computer Poll Power Points Trending
9.7 9.5 19.2

Credentials: Today's math question: If one perfect NFL team train left Indianapolis traveling at 90 mph, and another perfect NFL team train left New Orleans traveling 99 mph, what are the odds they will collide into each other in Miami during their 19th week of travel? Furthermore, which train is more likely to derail before the other on that journey? Note: Please do not consult Mercury Morris when calculating your answer.


3. Heisman emotion

Human Poll Computer Poll Power Points Trending
9.4 9.2 18.6

Credentials: Congratulations to Mark Ingram for being the first Alabama player to win the famous trophy on the 75th time it was handed out. After all his emotions poured out during his acceptance speech, we were shocked to learn he won in the closest voting ever -- a 28-point margin above Stanford's Toby Gerhart. We won't see a sobfest like that again in college football until the BCS title game, when Texas fans will turn on the waterworks after Ingram and the Crimson Tide beat the Longhorns by 28 points.


4. Randy Moss

Human Poll Computer Poll Power Points Trending
8.8 8.7 17.5

Credentials: Yeah, the Patriots beat the Panthers ... no thanks to their most famous wide receiver's treating the game like it was Senior Skip Day. One catch for 16 yards and a lost fumble? That adds up to minus-1 fantasy points in my league's book. And when you're counting on his numbers during a fantasy playoff week, that is monumentally weak. Sure, his New England teammates might tell the media they still have his back. But right now, Moss is lucky that fantasy owners aren't allowed into the locker room; it's hard to show up on time for coach Belichick's meetings when you're stuffed upside down in the Dumpster.


5. New England Patriots mascot sex sting

Human Poll Computer Poll Power Points Trending
8.9 8.5 17.4

Credentials: OK, New England fans. It's got to be embarrassing that one of the men who dresses up in the Patriots mascot costume was one of 14 people busted in a Rhode Island hotel prostitution sting. But look at the bright side: After this weird sex scandal dies down, at least you'll know who to bet on at the next NFL mascot golf tournament.


6. Baseball talent market

Human Poll Computer Poll Power Points Trending
8.6 8.4 17.0

Credentials: Are free agents getting lowball offers in the wake of the winter meetings? Let's just say that if you think your team got a bargain at a needed position this week, you probably also thought you got a good deal during your gift shopping when you picked up a Blu-ray player for $39 that was manufactured by Pabst Brewing Company.


7. Tennessee Volunteers recruiting

Human Poll Computer Poll Power Points Trending
8.1 8.5 16.6

Credentials: Why are the lovely ladies of the school's "Orange Pride" student hosting service driving 200 miles away from Knoxville to greet high school football players? The school would be in big trouble if it can be proved they were ordered to go by someone in authority (yes, despite Lane Kiffin's maturity level, he's still considered someone in authority). That's why alumni lawyers are arguing on the school's behalf that the gals were on a non-sanctioned scavenger hunt, and one of the items on the list was "one high school football jersey." And, well, that high school in South Carolina was the first place they'd thought to look for one.


8. New Jersey Nets

Human Poll Computer Poll Power Points Trending
7.1 6.8 13.9

Credentials: Not only are they 2-22 to start their NBA schedule, they were just run out of Madison Square Garden after getting beaten by double digits at the hands of the Lady Vols at the Maggie Dixon Classic.


9. Ask Ashley

Human Poll Computer Poll Power Points Trending
6.7 6.2 12.9

Credentials: Ashley Dupre, the call girl from the Eliot Spitzer scandal, just started headlining an advice column in the New York Post about sex and relationships. In an odd twist of irony, here was one of the first published questions: "Dear Ashley: I'm one of the thousands of newspaper reporters who has been laid off in the past two years. What advice can you give me about becoming a successful street walker so that I can feed my family again?"


10. Playgirl magazine

Human Poll Computer Poll Power Points Trending
6.7 6.4 13.1

Credentials: The nude guy publication is avoiding the Tiger fray by announcing it won't publish nude photos it has received of a guy who allegedly is Woods. An exec said it was impossible to verify with 100 percent accuracy that it is him. Though if you ask us, the dead giveaways are (a) the red shirt on the floor, and (b) caddie Steve Williams is standing in the background, ready to reach into a bag and hand the dude the next proper pair of boxer shorts.


11. "Avatar" hype

Human Poll Computer Poll Power Points Trending
5.7 6.2 11.9

Credentials: Whether we end up loving or hating James Cameron's new sci-fi opus, this sure is a lot of time, energy and money devoted to something we'll ultimately forget about in a few months and isn't all that consequential to people on the outside who actually have a life. It's in that spirit of almighty bluster that Cameron has already announced that his next movie will focus on the hiring of a new Notre Dame football coach.


12. Phoenix Coyotes

Human Poll Computer Poll Power Points Trending
5.1 4.9 9.5

Credentials: Looks like the NHL will get its wish and have an owner who can keep the team in Arizona. So who is this icy savior? Sources say it will be Tiger Woods. Walking away from golf was step one of his route to have more private time with his family. And if you're the owner of an ice hockey team in a desert, you can bet no one's going to pay any attention to what you do, say or think. Among subtle changes to the team: Expect the organization to draft a lot more Swedish players, with the biggest contracts going to those who are related to Elin.


13. Kobe's broken finger

Human Poll Computer Poll Power Points Trending
4.4 3.2 7.6

Credentials: A Lakers team doctor said the prognosis is doubly grim: Not only will a splint on the index finger of his shooting hand seriously slow his game, it's going to be virtually impossible for him to correctly move the mouth on his puppet when he's filming those Nike commercials.


Also receiving votes:
• Turner Gill: A fantastic way for Kansas to streamline its football program.

• Cheesy holiday TV specials: It's the most stop-motion time of the year.

• "The Princess and the Frog": Sorry, TCU fans. This is not a preview of the outcome of the Boise State-Horned Frogs Fiesta Bowl.

• Shaqtus sighting: We heard Shaq had a green thumb; who knew it had needles too?

Never receiving votes:
• Alarms about Facebook privacy: It's bad enough something major seems to change on that site every nine days. What's next ... they put a "Like" button on my social security number?

Greg Hardy is a Page 2 contributor. It's all pop culture all the time at Twitter.com/HardyVision.

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Greg Hardy is a Page 2 contributor. It's all pop culture all the time at Twitter.com/HardyVision.