Commentary

Power Rankings: Derby edition

Originally Published: May 3, 2010
By Greg Hardy | Special to Page 2

You're saddled with the latest running of the Page 2 Power Rankings! Our formula combines the results of two surveys: A human poll concocted by ESPN Page 2's Greg Hardy; and a scientifically calibrated poll generated by computer analysis. Unfortunately, not only did our computer decide it would clock out to celebrate on Cinco de Mayo -- it mistranslated "cinco" as "three." Stupid computer. Everyone knows "cinco" means six. To the results!

1. Calvin Borel

Human Poll Computer Poll Power Points Trending
9.8 9.1 18.9

Credentials: In the past four years, the jockey has ridden Street Sense, Mine That Bird and now Super Saver to Kentucky Derby victories. It's a good thing NASCAR doesn't run Churchill Downs, otherwise next year they might insist Borel's ride be fitted with a restrictor plate to level the playing field. In another knock on tradition, the NCAA is asking that the Derby relinquish the title of "The Fastest Two Minutes in Sports." As far as the state of Kentucky goes, two minutes is now the maximum amount of time John Calipari's team can expect to be inside a classroom.


2. Mayweather-Pacquiao Blood Feud

Human Poll Computer Poll Power Points Trending
9.2 9.2 18.4

Credentials: Do we need the drama as to whether the sides can agree to blood testing to get their fight scheduled? With how much money they can rake in, they should be able to afford every blood test imaginable. This will get itself sorted in a flurry of negotiations -- unless they ask Brett Favre to spend his summer vacation deciding how the blood should be tested. He'd need at least three months to rule on whether the samples should be extracted via syringes or leeches.


3. LeBron's Second MVP Award

Human Poll Computer Poll Power Points Trending
9.0 8.9 17.9

Credentials: The question isn't how many more King James will win in his career. It's how many more he'll earn while he's in Cleveland. Hey, we're not trying to chase him out of Ohio for bigger destinations. We just want to save him from the embarrassment that one day he'll want to have another trophy ceremony at the University of Akron's arena, but it'll already be rented out for a Journey/REO Speedwagon reunion tour.


4. Freddy Krueger

Human Poll Computer Poll Power Points Trending
8.5 8.2 16.7

Credentials: As if we needed a ninth "Nightmare on Elm Street" flick, the rebooted franchise woke up to $32.2 million worth of weekend box office sales. Keep in mind, it banked that much money without a single Boston Red Sox fan going to see it. Why would any of them want to pay to go to the multiplex to get their nerves frayed after seeing their sleepwalking team get sliced apart in a weekend sweep at Baltimore?


5. Mets' Meltdown

Human Poll Computer Poll Power Points Trending
7.7 8.8 16.5

Credentials: C'mon. Johan Santana giving up 10 runs in 3 2/3 innings in Philadelphia is bad, but it's not "oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico bad." For example, the environmental catastrophe means gas prices could be spiking soon for everybody; on the other hand, Mets fans once again won't have to shell out for postseason tickets this year.


6. Phil Mickelson

Human Poll Computer Poll Power Points Trending
6.2 6.4 12.6

Credentials: Golf fans might think he's depressed about shooting 11-under at Quail Hollow but still losing by four strokes to a kid who's not old enough to drink yet. But remember, his weekend included watching Tiger shoot a 9-over 153 and miss the cut. So on the inside, Phil spent Saturday and Sunday happier than one of "The Real Housewives of New Jersey" with 20 credit cards at 10 shoe stores.


7. No Smoking in Detroit

Human Poll Computer Poll Power Points Trending
5.8 6.5 12.3

Credentials: Tigers manager Jim Leyland vows he'll obey a Michigan workplace law that bans smoking in his office at Comerica Park. However, reports indicate he is investigating a loophole that will allow him to manage games while he smokes on the porch of his house which he's rigged with thousands of helium balloons that will keep him floating over the ballfield, thus turning Leyland into a slightly grumpier version of the old guy in "Up."


8. San Jose Sharks

Human Poll Computer Poll Power Points Trending
5.6 6.3 11.9

Credentials: Yeah, it's nice that they've jumped out to a 2-0 series lead against the Red Wings. But if you think the NHL's eternal playoff choke artists are going to advance to the conference finals, we've got a used octopus we'd like to sell you.


9. Chris Bosh's Career Opportunities

Human Poll Computer Poll Power Points Trending
6.0 5.8 11.8

Credentials: The Toronto Raptors star has asked his Twitter followers where he should go next season. Attention, Knicks: Do not try to set up fake LeBron James and Dwyane Wade Twitter pages to convince Bosh to take a pay cut to sign with them in a three-way move to New York. He has their phone numbers and probably already knows where those guys are going.


10. Tampa Bay Rays' Attendance

Human Poll Computer Poll Power Points Trending
4.9 4.8 9.7

Credentials: Why is the national media offended that the 18-7 Rays can barely draw 20,000 people a night to Tropicana Field? St. Petersburg is made up of retirees and/or Taco Bell workers earning $8.50 an hour, and the bottom line is they all can't afford to go to 81 games a season. The best way to boost attendance among the Northern transplants is to advertise that every game is against either the Yankees or Red Sox. And when people complain that they're actually watching the Blue Jays, start dressing all the visiting teams in pinstripes.


11. Mother's Day Presents

Human Poll Computer Poll Power Points Trending
3.7 3.5 7.2

Credentials: No, no, nerds, this weekend she does not wanted to be treated to tickets to see "Iron Man 2." The reason that movie is coming out Mother's Day Weekend is so that it will get you out of her house for two hours. That's what her present is.


12. NASCAR Restarts

Human Poll Computer Poll Power Points Trending
4.0 3.1 7.1

Credentials: Can someone please give Jeff Gordon a break so he can win a race again? Seeing him lose the lead at the end of Saturday's race at Richmond was like watching Chris Johnson take a swing pass at his own 20-yard line. Except instead of the Titans running back using his breakaway speed to dash 80 yards untouched, the refs made him stop every 15 yards and let the cornerbacks line up a yard behind him. Only in NASCAR can "stalling someone's momentum" be labeled as "adding excitement."


13. "Fear the Deer"

Human Poll Computer Poll Power Points Trending
3.3 2.1 5.4

Credentials: Congratulations to the Milwaukee Bucks for their hilarious viral video. Unfortunately, they forgot about the inevitable sequel to all that obnoxious mascot flexing: "Beware the Karma."


Also receiving votes:
• Bob Uecker: Get well soon from your heart surgery. When you're back on your feet, you've got an open invitation to be a guest editor for the Power Rankings. And you needn't work up a sweat about having to be funny. Like you said in "Major League," "Don't worry, nobody is listening anyway."

• Flying Pig Marathon: Sorry, we didn't get to complete in Cincinnati's awesomely named marathon this weekend. But as a show of solidarity, we did eat a lot of bacon by tossing it in the air and catching it in our mouths.

Greg Hardy is a Page 2 contributor. It's all pop culture all the time at Twitter.com/HardyVision.


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Greg Hardy is a Page 2 contributor. It's all pop culture all the time at Twitter.com/HardyVision.