Commentary

Power Rankings: Goalie edition

Originally Published: June 14, 2010
By Greg Hardy | Special to Page 2

It's time to get a grip on the latest Page 2 Power Rankings! Our formula combines the results of two surveys: a human poll concocted by ESPN Page 2's Greg Hardy and a scientifically calibrated poll generated by computer analysis. Unfortunately, our computer was programmed by Southern California's athletic department, so we were forced to wipe out huge chunks of its memory from 2004 and 2005. To the results!

1. Green's Goaltending Blues

Human Poll Computer Poll Power Points Trending
9.7 9.4 19.1

Credentials: We have two memos waiting for England goaltender Robert Green. The first is from Charlie Brown: "You blockhead. At least when I miss the ball it's because Lucy yoinked it away from me." The second is from hockey goalies: "When we screw up in front of a billion people, at least we're wearing helmets so no one knows what we look like."


2. Doc Rivers

Human Poll Computer Poll Power Points Trending
9.2 9.1 18.3

Credentials: We're not saying he's a better coach than Phil Jackson, but imagine how many NBA rings Doc could have earned if he had been mentoring MJ all this time.


3. Vuvuzelas

Human Poll Computer Poll Power Points Trending
8.6 8.4 17.0

Credentials: If you think those World Cup noisemakers are annoying, be glad you missed The Knack's 1979 follow-up to "My Sharona" called "My Vuvuzela." Imagine the hook to "My Sharona," but with vuvuzelas the whole time. (Shudder).


4. College Football Realignment

Human Poll Computer Poll Power Points Trending
7.9 7.8 15.7

Credentials: Nobody knows where every school is going to end up, but one thing is clear: We need new names for the four biggest super conferences once the dust settles. The names can't reflect the number of teams, since that can change quicker than a Ron Zook goal-line audible. Names can't reflect geographic locations, since there could be teams in "Eastern" conferences that are west of the Mississippi. Let's just settle it once and for all based on what's most important to the athletic directors. Each conference chief draws a straw and picks from one of these names: the Big Bankroll Conference, the Shaking Moneymaker Conference, the Mucho Moolah Conference and the Cash Cow Conference. It would certainly make the logos at the conference media days a lot more interesting.


5. 'The A-Team' vs. 'The Karate Kid'

Human Poll Computer Poll Power Points Trending
7.0 7.7 14.7

Credentials: Surprise! The multiplex's battle of '80s retreads was dominated by a tyke born in 1998. As if winning the box-office tournament with a crane kick of $56 million to $26 million wasn't enough, Jaden Smith twisted his rivals' arms even more by announcing he'll star as B.A. Baracus with dad Will Smith as Hannibal in a big-screen reboot of "The A-Team" franchise slated for a Memorial Day 2028 release.


6. NFL QBs Gone Wild

Human Poll Computer Poll Power Points Trending
6.1 6.6 12.7

Credentials: First there was Ben Roethlisberger in a Georgia college bar. Now there's Vince Young videotaped in a Dallas-area strip club fight. Peyton Manning, if you start a brawl at your next Oreos Double Stuf commercial shoot, you're going to break Roger Goodell's heart.


7. 'Star Wars' adidas Commercial

Human Poll Computer Poll Power Points Trending
5.8 5.5 11.3

Credentials: Creating a World Cup mashup in the Mos Eisley Spaceport Cantina and Irish Soccer Pub is one thing. But there are questions aplenty about Snoop busting out the lightsaber: (1) how did he end up with a blue lightsaber instead of a red one? Is that a preemptive attempt to help his image at his next court appearance? "You honor, clearly my client was acting in self-defense. If Mr. Dogg were evil, he'd be wielding the red lightsaber of the Sith." … and (2) would soccer hooliganism and riots increase or decrease by a noticeable margin if all soccer fans had lightsabers?


8. Tom Izzo

Human Poll Computer Poll Power Points Trending
5.2 5.6 10.8

Credentials: What's the big holdup over his decision to call the moving van? Other than the whole "How many LeBron Jameses will I have on my roster?" question. Isn't Michigan State basically the Cleveland of the Big Ten anyway?


9. Shrek and Donkey

Human Poll Computer Poll Power Points Trending
5.3 5.4 10.7

Credentials: Yeah, it's cute that Nate Robinson and Glen Davis are trying to pass themselves off as the stars of the summer's computer-animated Dreamworks hit. Just one piece of advice should the Celtics win the title: If you call yourselves "Buzz and Woody," it'll be more likely that you'll be invited to star in the "We're going to Disney World!" commercial during the trophy presentation.


10. Up-and-Coming Strasburg

Human Poll Computer Poll Power Points Trending
4.7 5.5 10.2

Credentials: The stats are still impressive for the 21-year-old Nationals phenom: In Cleveland, he struck out eight batters over 95 pitches in 5 1/3 innings, lowered his ERA to 2.19 and landed a right hook on Chuck Liddell that will force him into retirement.


11. Jimmy Dean, R.I.P.

Human Poll Computer Poll Power Points Trending
4.8 4.7 9.5

Credentials: The Country Music Hall of Famer and renowned meat maverick died Sunday at age 81. As a show of respect, let's have a moment of silence before all sausage races at America's baseball parks for the rest of the week.


12. Teens Adrift in the Ocean

Human Poll Computer Poll Power Points Trending
4.6 4.3 8.9

Credentials: We're not going to join the media's tsk-tsking aimed at the parents of 16-year-old Abby Sunderland for letting her try to sail around the world by herself. So let's just move on.


13. Daddy Diddy

Human Poll Computer Poll Power Points Trending
2.1 2.4 4.5

Credentials: The rapper is defending his decision to give his son a $360,000 car for his 16th birthday. Yes, a father should be able to give his children any gift he can afford. So long as Diddy is making Justin Dior Combs pay for his own gas. If you're making the payments on the Shell card too, that's just spoiling the kid.


Also receiving votes
• Tony Awards: Sorry, we missed the broadcast because we were driving back from the Bonnaroo festival. Actually, if Bonnaroo ended each year by hosting the Tony Awards, that might be a spectacle that would appeal to each crowd's demographics.

Never receiving votes
• MTV looks to hire first "Twitter Jockey:" The cable channel is taking a big risk in betting its audience has an attention span that can last 140 characters.

• "True Blood" werewolves: We can suspend disbelief that there are horny vampires on the planet. We can suspend disbelief that there are mean ol' werewolves on the planet. But buying that the only places they both trot around are the swamplands of the South? Sorry, that's a little too far-fetched.

Greg Hardy is a Page 2 contributor. It's all pop culture all the time at Twitter.com/HardyVision.


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Greg Hardy is a Page 2 contributor. It's all pop culture all the time at Twitter.com/HardyVision.