Commentary

Power Rankings: Sweet Lou edition

Originally Published: July 19, 2010
By Greg Hardy | Special to Page 2

You're oozing with Oosthusiasm (pronounced WUHST-thusiasm) with the Page 2 Power Rankings! Our formula combines the results of two surveys: a human poll concocted by ESPN Page 2's Greg Hardy and a scientifically calibrated poll generated by computer analysis. Unfortunately, we put Floyd Mayweather Jr. in charge of finding us an awesome new laptop, but he hasn't shown any interest in bringing one over yet. We'll go with a lesser one in the meantime, because eventually he has to give us what we want to see, right? To the results!

1. British Open

Human Poll Computer Poll Power Points Trending
9.7 9.8 19.5

Credentials: Who figured there would be a new favorite word in our vocabulary after the 2010 go-round at the Old Course? No, we're not talking about the double-check-that-spellchecker wonder of Lodewicus Theodorus Oosthuizen. We were giggling every time we heard the golfers were cringing at the phrase "gorse bush." While this major lacked in star power, the gorse bush stepped up to fill the celebrity spotlight. If we were in charge of coverage, we'd demand an interview with the gorse bush. We'd commission a 30 for 30 documentary on the care and feeding of the gorse bush. And for the foreseeable future, anytime we screw up on the golf course, we're putting the adjective "gorse" in front of everything we did wrong. "I hit the three gorse balls in a row with the gorse iron before I drove the gorse cart into the gorse hazard." We're so gorsed.


2. John Daly's Pants

Human Poll Computer Poll Power Points Trending
9.2 9.1 18.3

Credentials: Note to TV execs: If you're worried about a ratings falloff with the dip in Tiger Woods' appeal, you could always promote the laughing-with-him-and-at-him glory of John Daly's fashion sense. Just give a heads-up to 3-D viewers that it's only an illusion that his pants are in their living room. There is no danger of any of Daly's pants-like substances actually invading our homes.


3. Nike Putter Fail

Human Poll Computer Poll Power Points Trending
8.6 8.4 17.0

Credentials: Good luck in coming up with a commercial to sell the putter that Tiger Woods switched to and then abandoned by the final day of the British Open. But it's too early to go back to the well of an Earl Woods voice-over that preaches sticking with it through good times and bad.


4. Steinbrenner's Reboot

Human Poll Computer Poll Power Points Trending
7.9 7.8 15.7

Credentials: We're not saying that people are going overboard in making The Boss sound like a more well-rounded dictator than he actually was during his lifetime. But the New York tabloids are reporting that the Ghosts of Yankee Stadium have had their eternal rest benefits slashed in half.


5. "Inception" Questions

Human Poll Computer Poll Power Points Trending
7.0 7.7 14.7

Credentials: It's no surprise that Christopher Nolan's psychological-espionage-thriller-wrapped-in-a-James-Bond-villain-fortress-assault might leave more questions than answers in the minds of viewers who got caught napping. Our No. 1 question: Where did those portable IV-hookup dream machines come from? Do Leo and his operatives build them in their spare time, or is there some secret product catalog that offers them for bulk discounts? Our guess: They were bought from Will Smith's character in "The Pursuit of Happyness" during that stretch when he was lugging medical machines around San Francisco.


6. LeBron Postmortems

Human Poll Computer Poll Power Points Trending
6.1 6.6 12.7

Credentials: Note for anyone who hasn't gotten their "The Decision" opinions out of their systems: Cleveland is setting up a King James Overreaction Hall of Fame dedication ceremony for the Cavs' regular-season home opener.


7. Sam Bradford Negotiations

Human Poll Computer Poll Power Points Trending
5.8 5.5 11.3

Credentials: We're not saying it's unfair that the St. Louis Rams will be giving the former Oklahoma quarterback more bank than anyone who's actually thrown an NFL pass. But giving him ownership of a nationwide Sam Bradford Arena Football League is probably sweetening the pot waaaaaaaaaaaaaaay too much.


8. Notre Dame Parties

Human Poll Computer Poll Power Points Trending
5.2 5.6 10.8

Credentials: Ain't no party like a Joe Montana's son's party, because ... well, because South Bend police evidently don't have too much other crime to look out for other than to stop a Joe Montana's son's party. Which reminds us -- someone ask Jerry Rice or any other 49ers alums whether Joe Montana himself ever threw any memorable parties. It seems like two bottles of Michelob Ultra would have him set for the night.


9. November Nine

Human Poll Computer Poll Power Points Trending
5.3 5.4 10.7

Credentials: Now that the World Series of Poker's finalists are set, why does it take so long for them to get ready to play for the $8.94 million grand prize? Our guess is it was a perk negotiated long ago to take full -- and we mean full -- advantage of the Strip's all-you-can-eat shrimp buffets.


10. Carlos Zambrano

Human Poll Computer Poll Power Points Trending
4.7 5.5 10.2

Credentials: He'll be ready to rejoin the Cubs as soon as he can schedule two more simulated meltdowns.


11. Shrek Nicknames

Human Poll Computer Poll Power Points Trending
4.8 4.7 9.5

Credentials: Now that Nate Robinson and Louis Oosthuizen have claimed it, can we order a cease and desist on the practice? Unless the next athlete who tries to claim it actually has green skin. Or if Barry Bonds tries for a comeback, we might let him have it, but it will probably have to be behind his back. Because that joke might go over his giant ogre head.


12. NBA Summer League

Human Poll Computer Poll Power Points Trending
4.6 4.3 8.9

Credentials: Once their time in Vegas is over, we'll encourage players to get some more practice by letting them tell the media, "Now I'm taking my summer talents to the fall." Saying that with a straight face isn't as easy as it looks.


13. Tahoe Celebrity Golf

Human Poll Computer Poll Power Points Trending
2.2 2.4 4.6

Credentials: At least Charles Barkley dressed better than John Daly.


Also receiving votes
• James Gammon, R.I.P.: Sorry to see famed Cleveland Indians manager Lou Brown depart us. Looks like we wasted our time writing the spec script for "Major League 4: Lou Brown's Revenge."

Never receiving votes
• World Series home-field advantage: Someone write down that the National League won the All-Star Game so that in October we'll remember they get dibs for a World Series Game 7. The AL has owned it for so long, anyone who missed the All-Star Game might not believe the NL earned it.

Greg Hardy is a Page 2 contributor. It's all pop culture all the time at Twitter.com/HardyVision.


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Greg Hardy is a Page 2 contributor. It's all pop culture all the time at Twitter.com/HardyVision.