Commentary

Power Rankings: Bengals edition

Originally Published: August 2, 2010
By Greg Hardy | Special to Page 2

You're running routes with the premeditated antics of the ESPN.com Page 2 Power Rankings! Our formula combines the results of two surveys: a human poll concocted by ESPN Page 2's Greg Hardy and a scientifically calibrated poll generated by computer analysis. Unfortunately, our laptop was unintentionally forwarded as a wedding gift to Chelsea Clinton over the weekend, and the Secret Service decided to err on the side of caution and blow it up on sight. To the results!

1. The Bengals Bunch

Human Poll Computer Poll Power Points Trending
9.3 9.4 18.7

Credentials: We'd feel better about Chad Ochocinco's prospects this year if he had spent all that "Dancing With The Stars" time only doing football workouts. We'd feel better about Terrell Owens' prospects if his on-field production hadn't dropped like -- well, like him dropping passes for the Bills. And Carson Palmer would feel better about his prospects if he was guest-starring in "Shark Week" programming as a guy swimming in the open ocean wrapped in raw tiger meat. Hope you three are all still friends when you miss the playoffs!


2. Albert Haynesworth

Human Poll Computer Poll Power Points Trending
8.9 9.1 18.0

Credentials: Just to clarify: Dez Bryant carrying pads in training camp counts as hazing. Albert Haynesworth physically exerting himself in training camp does not count as hazing. But thinking about Haynesworth earning millions while he's not able to take a few laps does count as cruel and unusual punishment.


3. A-Rod's 600th Homer

Human Poll Computer Poll Power Points Trending
8.6 8.9 17.5

Credentials: Why did it take so long to bridge the milestone gap from 599 to 600? Maybe it was a misguided attempt to generate drama and interest for something that no one particularly cared about seeing happen in the first place. Evidently, his scheme is to be the first slugger in major league history to need 600 at-bats to go from 599 to 600 homers. Well, enough's enough. Just hit the sucker already. Shut your eyes when you swing from now on if it'll help.


4. Baseball Trade Deadline

Human Poll Computer Poll Power Points Trending
7.2 7.1 14.3

Credentials: The White Sox had to explain how they just missed out on getting Lance Berkman to come to Chicago instead of New York. Fortunately, there's no deadline for Ozzie Guillen speaking his mind. Now if only someone could translate Ozzie from manager into commissioner, then things would be so entertaining that baseball would never have to fear playing second fiddle to the NFL.


5. "Dinner For Schmucks"

Human Poll Computer Poll Power Points Trending
7.0 7.1 14.1

Credentials: An opening weekend of $23.3 million will buy a lot of drive-through cheeseburgers. In fact, we hear a sequel has already been green-lit. But this time, a gathering of untalented people with disastrous personalities will be doing their song-and-dance routines for Jennifer Lopez and Steven Tyler … wait, that could be the new judging format for "American Idol." Oh well, same difference.


6. Dennis Rodman

Human Poll Computer Poll Power Points Trending
6.3 6.6 12.9

Credentials: The shocking news from the weekend isn't that the former NBA circus sideshow survived being in an SUV that flipped on I-95 in South Florida over the weekend. The shocking news is that he's still making a go at his career as a disc jockey. He was just returning from a gig in St. Tropez, we're told. Note if you're thinking of hiring Rodman anytime soon: Be careful he doesn't have a post-traumatic stress reaction if you ask if he can do mashups.


7. Elliott Sadler

Human Poll Computer Poll Power Points Trending
5.8 5.8 11.6

Credentials: Everyone's breathing a sigh of relief after the NASCAR driver got out of the 19 car after his engine turned into confetti by crashing into a fence at Long Pond, Pa. Just make sure none of the X Games dudes saw the video of it, or they'll try to turn it into a competition next year.


8. NFL Training Camps

Human Poll Computer Poll Power Points Trending
5.2 5.6 10.8

Credentials: If you're a draft pick who hasn't signed by now, you better hurry up and get in camp before you miss too many reps. Besides, what else do you have to do with your time -- sit around and listen to Tim Tebow coverage all day?


9. Jeremiah Masoli in Mississippi

Human Poll Computer Poll Power Points Trending
5.3 5.0 10.3

Credentials: We're not saying Houston Nutt and the Rebels are risking an outlaw image in the SEC by courting the ousted Oregon QB as a walk-on. But as long as a player doesn't have "being a pimp" on his rap sheet, at least he'll get the Nick Saban seal of approval.


10. Haskell Horsies

Human Poll Computer Poll Power Points Trending
4.4 5.1 9.5

Credentials: Nothing like seeing a race where the Preakness winner (Lookin' at Lucky) can whump the Kentucky Derby winner (a fourth place for Super Saver) in a million-dollar race. It's almost like a fantasy football version of horse racing. We'd go into more details about our dreams about fantasy horses, but that's a slippery slope to how we wanted a pony growing up to the unicorn doodles we make on the scrap paper on our desk.


11. Tyreke Evans

Human Poll Computer Poll Power Points Trending
4.1 4.2 8.3

Credentials: Police caught the NBA's rookie of the year driving his purple Mercedes up to 130 mph on Memorial Day weekend. His punishment involves 80 hours of community service. We're not saying he got an NBA ref-style half-hearted slap on the wrist, but if you're driving in the triple digits, shouldn't your community service hours match how fast you were going?


12. Miami Heat Ticket Staff

Human Poll Computer Poll Power Points Trending
3.6 4.3 7.9

Credentials: The good news for people whose job it is to sell Miami Heat season tickets: The free-agent whirlwind meant all the packages got sold faster than all the LeBron James jerseys in Cleveland got torched. The bad news: With 6,000 names on the Heat's waiting list, about 30 people from the ticket sales staff got fired because there's no point to having a sales staff now. Maybe they can get rehired to sell Marlins tickets in South Florida -- but that ballpark isn't likely to sell out anytime before Cavaliers fans need NBA Finals tickets.


13. North Korea Soccer Team

Human Poll Computer Poll Power Points Trending
2.1 1.4 3.5

Credentials: Not that the secretive dictatorship is going to release a YouTube video of it anytime soon, but reports are that the players on the team that got nuked out of the first round of the World Cup had to withstand being berated on stage for six hours by the country's sports minister as 400 government officials, students and journalists looked on. If that seems incomprehensible to U.S. fans, realize that 400 people showing up for a six-hour sports torture event is comparable to the scene at a Pirates-Royals interleague game that goes to marathon extra innings.


Also receiving votes
• Stuart Appleby: He's the fifth golfer in PGA history to hit 59 on a round. Big deal, we hit 59 all the time. Oh, you mean total shots? We were just counting the putts. On the front nine.

• "Mad Men" office Christmas party: Talk about running hot and cold: watching a December 1964 shindig in August 2010 when it's 105 degrees outside. We don't care what we get for gifts this year, just give us the bartender's ice so we can cool off.

Never receiving votes
• "Mad Men" Christmas gifts: Interesting to see Roger dressed as Santa and handing out cigarette cartons to the staff. Ah, nothing like the gift of lung cancer.

• College football agents: Are we overstating the problem, or are they really a threat to society? They might not even be causing all that much trouble these days, especially compared to the fact that Lindsay Lohan finally is out of jail.

Greg Hardy is a Page 2 contributor. It's all pop culture all the time at Twitter.com/HardyVision.


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Greg Hardy is a Page 2 contributor. It's all pop culture all the time at Twitter.com/HardyVision.