Commentary

Power Rankings: T.O.'s regrets edition

Originally Published: August 9, 2010
By Greg Hardy | Special to Page 2

You're back in the ballpark with the Page 2 Power Rankings! Our formula combines the results of two surveys: a human poll concocted by ESPN Page 2's Greg Hardy and a scientifically calibrated poll generated by computer analysis. Unfortunately, our computer was commandeered by coach Rex Ryan so he could run season projections for the Jets to figure out how he can guarantee a Super Bowl win without cornerback Darrelle Revis. Double unfortunately, so far, all answers to winning the AFC East point to "secretly videotape your opponents." To the results!

1. T.O. Misses Dallas

Human Poll Computer Poll Power Points Trending
9.7 9.4 19.1

Credentials: The NFL's season-opening Hall of Fame game is always a bittersweet love affair. On the one hand for fans, YAR-HOOOO!!!! PRO FOOTBALL IS BACK! SUMMER'S DONE! NO MORE NEED TO BE ON SPEAKING TERMS WITH FRIENDS OR FAMILY! DESTROY THE SOFA UNTIL I FIND THE REMOTE! On the other hand, fans soon realize this meaningless game is a quick-fix substitute until the regular season kicks in, and should be called The Placebo Bowl. We're always excited to ingest it, but ultimately it never soothes the Football Fix. For new Bengals receiver Terrell Owens, he was glad to be back on the sidelines, even if it was opposite the Cowboys who once flirted with him for a chance to get to the Super Bowl. Poor T.O. He only drinks Love Potions that he hopes will make his team fall in love with him. He still hasn't figured out how to make his team drink a Love Potion to see him as a stud come playoff time.


2. Zero Handicap

Human Poll Computer Poll Power Points Trending
9.2 9.1 18.3

Credentials: The world's No. 1 golfer had a bottom-of-the-charts meltdown at the Bridgestone Invitational, which elicited this Era of the Tiger Woods Catastrophe Hall of Fame-worthy quote: "I don't see how it can be fun shooting 18 over, especially since my handicap is supposed to be zero." Man, don't bum us out by saying it's not fun. Always give us -- and yourself -- a "bright side" to look at. Like sure, your game is in the toilet. But think how much fun it will be to learn the math needed to calculate your new handicap as it climbs and climbs and climbs. Earning an advanced math degree from Stanford is something you could probably knock off in your spare time before you're ready to win a major again.


3. Seattle's Sorry Ref

Human Poll Computer Poll Power Points Trending
8.6 8.4 17.0

Credentials:Oops. NFL official Bill Leavy had something he wanted to get off his chest for Seahawks fans. He admitted he kinda, sorta "kicked" two calls in the fourth quarter that might have tipped the balance toward Pittsburgh in that Super Bowl XL they played against each other. Seattle fans should prove they can forgive and welcome Leavy to their fold by giving him two gifts. The first is a T-shirt that shows he's a member of the "Seahawks 12th Man" fan club. The second is a pack of rabid pit bulls trained to attack anyone wearing "Seahawks 12th Man" T-shirts.


4. Tebow Buzz

Human Poll Computer Poll Power Points Trending
7.9 7.8 15.7

Credentials:The Denver Broncos' veterans took their rookie hazing old school when they gave their Chosen One rookie QB a Friar Tuck hair shearing. But it was all in good fun. If they really wanted to be cruel, they would have forced St. Timmy to wear a pair of fake John Elway teeth.


5. "The Expendables"

Human Poll Computer Poll Power Points Trending
7.0 7.7 14.7

Credentials:Hey, look, it's another trailer for Sylvester Stallone's band of merry mercenaries flick. A nice bit of nostalgia for that time when ... wait, the movie PREMIERES on Aug. 13? It still hasn't come out yet? We've been watching this trailer on TV 10 times an hour since January! It feels like this movie should have already gone through its full life cycle of hitting the theaters, winning the box office weekend, being released on Blu-ray, cycled through the HBO channels, been marked down to $4.99 on Blu-Ray, and had "The Expendables 2: Recycled From the Garbage Dump" with only Dolph Lundgren from the original cast being released straight to Blu-ray. Excuse us if we're not camping in line outside the multiplex on Aug. 12. We're expended.


6. Boise State

Human Poll Computer Poll Power Points Trending
6.1 6.6 12.7

Credentials:Congrats on being ranked No. 5 in the preseason coaches poll. That's big news for a team not in a BCS power conference! Unfortunately, no one on the team is allowed release any scoops via Twitter for the duration. Broncos players, don't think of it as censorship by your coaches. Think of it as you're part of a new social networking experiment where instead of being allowed to express yourself in 140 characters, you're limited to zero. Grunt something positive.


7. Gay vs. Bolt

Human Poll Computer Poll Power Points Trending
5.8 5.5 11.3

Credentials:The track world received a huge dose of intrigue when Tyson Gay edged defending world and Olympic champion Usain Bolt by clocking 9.84 seconds in the 100 meters in Stockholm. Well, it would be intriguing if anyone followed international track and field. Our solution to drum up headlines? Have Southern California football coach Lane Kiffin declare that the race was part of a recruiting visit for the Trojans. Gentlemen, start your secondary violations!


8. Tyke on Drums Videos

Human Poll Computer Poll Power Points Trending
5.2 5.6 10.8

Credentials:Everyone's killed time sitting in the work cubicle wishing they were in another line of work. But the videos of the 5-year-old star of the "Jonah Rocks" videos is a serious stab to our ambition to drop out of the corporate race and be a rock drummer. First of all, it would take five years of practice just to match what this kid can do in the first 15 seconds of any of his videos. And five years from now, that 10-year-old kid will be exponentially better on the skins. That's why karaoke will always be the instant cure-all to rock star dreams as opposed to actual practice and talent.


9. Derek Jeter

Human Poll Computer Poll Power Points Trending
5.3 5.4 10.7

Credentials:Congratulations on surpassing Babe Ruth's record of 2,873 hits as a Yankee. Even though the Babe's milestone came in a completely different era. For example, in those days, there were no computers to keep track of stats or videos to review what actually happened. It's suspected that on the way home from every fourth or fifth road trip, Ruth would come to on the train the next morning and demand of the team statistician that his 0-for-4 afternoons against the Red Sox be rewritten as 15-for-22. Because that's what he remembered he batted hitting fungoes around the saloon from 3 to 6 a.m. That type of creative accounting adds up.


10. Injured A-Rod

Human Poll Computer Poll Power Points Trending
4.7 5.5 10.2

Credentials:Joe Buck denies he was a distraction during batting practice when a Lance Berkman grounder bit the Yankees third baseman's ankle and forced him to sit out of Saturday's game. But the broadcaster still hasn't explained why he was walking so close to Rodriguez with an official-brand Nancy Kerrigan Kneecap Pipe.


11. Texas Rangers Sold

Human Poll Computer Poll Power Points Trending
4.8 4.7 9.5

Credentials:Congratulations to Nolan Ryan's ownership group for winning the auction for the franchise. Now, we're not entirely sophisticated about high finance, but why would anyone buy a baseball team in August? Don't they know the season is almost over? Wait until the off-season and buy a fresh team with a full slate ahead of them. Do they at least get a pro-rated discount for buying past the 100-game mark? Kind of like your first month's cell phone bill or apartment rent?


12. Mickelson Not No. 1

Human Poll Computer Poll Power Points Trending
4.6 4.3 8.9

Credentials: Everyone knew that if Lefty would have finished fourth or better at Firestone, he would be the new World's No.1 Golfer this week. In a move that surprised no one, he ended up in a tie for 46th. C'mon. If you would have told him he could be the World's No. 1 Golfer if he drove a golf cart into the Grand Canyon, he would have found a way to crash five feet short of the edge by ramming into an igloo.


13. Fantasy Football Draft

Human Poll Computer Poll Power Points Trending
2.1 2.4 4.5

Credentials:Did you set the date yet? Make sure it's a day when everyone in your league is free to gather at the same place that a pizza delivery guy can find. And if one of the team owners can't show up, have the pizza delivery guy make that dude's picks. And that his tip will be directly tied to how many kickers he drafts through the first 10 rounds.


Also receiving votes
• Buck Showalter: The new manager proved to have such a magic touch with the Orioles right out of the gate that Baltimore is giving serious consideration to remaining in the AL East for 2011 instead of demoting the entire franchise to the Cape Cod League.

Never receiving votes
• Snooki's New Friend: Reaction has been lukewarm for new "Jersey Shore" house guest Deena Nicole Cortese. They were going to invite Isiah Thomas to join the cast, but he decided that becoming a consultant for the New York Knicks was a career option with more dignity.

Greg Hardy is a Page 2 contributor. It's all pop culture all the time at Twitter.com/HardyVision.


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Greg Hardy is a Page 2 contributor. It's all pop culture all the time at Twitter.com/HardyVision.