Commentary

Power Rankings: Miles edition

Originally Published: October 11, 2010
By Greg Hardy | Special to Page 2

It's time to get up and geaux with the latest Page 2 Power Rankings! Our formula combines the results of two surveys: a human poll concocted by ESPN Page 2's Greg Hardy and a scientifically calibrated poll generated by computer analysis. Unfortunately, our computer spent all weekend trying to convince us that Napster co-founder Sean Parker was cooler than Justin Timberlake. Sorry, but when an A-list pop performer stars in a movie as a real-life software mogul, it's the status of the computer geek that's being elevated, not a case of the dreamboat sinking to some uber-dork's level. To the results!

1. Win-crazed Les Miles

Human Poll Computer Poll Power Points Trending
9.9 10.0 19.9

Credentials: We give up. All of college football should give up. Anyone not an LSU fan should bow to the manic genius of someone who orders a whimsical fake field goal in the final seconds in The Swamp. He has called our bluff. Forget all the coaches' polls and computer polls. Our only hope to stop him is to anoint the King of the Bayou as the BCS czar and at the end of the season let him be the guy who randomly selects the two teams that play for the national title. Because you know he'd have no choice but to pick LSU to play LSU. He'd eagerly welcome the challenge of calling plays against himself without ever addressing the question of how that could be humanly possible. The problem is, just when we'd expect the time-space continuum to collapse upon itself under these conditions, he'd find a way to pull off the upset with three seconds left on the clock. Speaking of the Tigers, remember when Siegfried and Roy lost control of one of their tigers during a performance? If the act had been Siegfried and Roy and Les (we'll pause to let the mental image of Les Miles in sequins sink in), the tiger would never have the nerve to pull anything. Unless, of course, that tiger was Miles in a tiger suit.


2. Taco Bell vs. the Yankees

Human Poll Computer Poll Power Points Trending
9.2 9.1 18.3

Credentials: Why are Joe Girardi and Mariano Rivera in a Taco Bell commercial? Taco Bell isn't the New York Yankees of fast-food franchises. That would be McDonald's. Everyone knows the Cleveland Indians are the Taco Bell of fast-food franchises. (The Chicago Cubs are the White Castle of fast-food franchises, but we won't get into that here.) The least that the Bell can do to make itself appear to be the New York Yankees of fast-food franchises is to introduce a burrito called "The Bronx Bomber." But you'd need David Wells for that commercial.


3. Google cars

Human Poll Computer Poll Power Points Trending
8.6 8.4 17.0

Credentials: Buckle up, buttercups. Google has announced it has been doing extensive testing on a new type of car with an interesting catch -- you will never want to drive it. That's because a computer would be doing all the driving for you. Leaving you free to text-message, eat a Whopper, make out with someone you met at Burger King and all the other things you do while driving anyway. This would lead to some very interesting conversations if you ever get pulled over. Officer: "Do you know why I stopped you?" You: "If you give my car 0.18 seconds, it can give you 1,214,326 reasons why."


4. Cigar hero

Human Poll Computer Poll Power Points Trending
7.9 7.8 15.7

Credentials: Rupesh Shingadia, you're on our short list for the 2010 Most Interesting Man in the World. Remember that picture of Tiger Woods hitting the ball at the camera during the Ryder Cup? Well, no one who's seen the photo remembers Tiger or the ball after noticing a guy with a giant mustache, a bigger cigar and a that's-not-a-turban-that's-a-wig gleefully striking a pose in the gallery. Turns out he's a 30-year-old investment analyst who lives with his parents and thought it would be interesting to play dress-up for one day. If his unique getup didn't already make him a viral golf-image sensation, it's the "living with his parents" detail that will forever endear him to the decision-makers of the blogosphere.


5. '72 Dolphins intact

Human Poll Computer Poll Power Points Trending
7.0 7.7 14.7

Credentials: Wow, that was quick. No more undefeated teams in the NFL, which means Mercury Morris and a certain unbeaten Miami football team can celebrate one more year of immortality. Did the champagne even have time to get chilled? If those guys feel this year's countdown was anticlimactic, maybe they can still arrange to throw a kegger for anyone who goes 17-0 in their win-or-die pool.


6. Lions run up the score

Human Poll Computer Poll Power Points Trending
6.1 6.6 12.7

Credentials: It's not every day Detroit can beat a team by a tally of 44-6. Can the government use this game as a sign the recession is over? Of course, if you believe that this means the Lions stand a chance of having a winning season this year, we've got a Ponzi scheme we'd like you to get in on. Did we say Ponzi scheme? We meant "exciting investment opportunity." Oh jeez, that's how the recession started, isn't it? Curse you, infinite loops of damnation.


7. Tiger Falls

Human Poll Computer Poll Power Points Trending
5.8 5.5 11.3

Credentials: Those golf-obsessed birdie-brains who calculate such things tell us that they're projecting that on Oct. 31, Englishman Lee Westwood will replace Tiger Woods as the world's No. 1 golfer. Unless some bizarre scandal wrecks the process -- such as finding out that Lee Westwood isn't really an Englishman. Or a golfer. Just the product of the imagination of a golf writer who needed a new story angle when Tiger wasn't talking to anyone all year.


8. Justin Bieber nail polish

Human Poll Computer Poll Power Points Trending
5.2 5.6 10.8

Credentials: Yes, the glittery tween sensation is unveiling a line of fingernail decorations for his fans, but it won't be in stores until December. Good thing that there wasn't any available for Tom Brady in the New England Patriots' locker room in the past few weeks, or that dustup with Randy Moss could have gotten even uglier.


9. Brian Wilson facial intimidation

Human Poll Computer Poll Power Points Trending
5.3 5.4 10.7

Credentials: If we were in the batter's box, we wouldn't be backed down by the otherworldly beard on the Giants' closer that The Simpsons' Captain McAllister would describe as like "a moonless night, black as pitch." ... Now, if it were plaid, then we'd be freaked out.


10. Bobby Cox

Human Poll Computer Poll Power Points Trending
4.7 5.5 10.2

Credentials: The nightmare scenario isn't that the legendary baseball manager risks seeing his career end because rookie Brooks Conrad made three errors against the Giants on Sunday. It's that if on Cox's induction day into the Hall of Fame, anyone who promised to give his induction speech has to cancel at the last minute, and the only person who can get called up to the podium at Cooperstown is Conrad. Awkward!


11. UConn sanctions

Human Poll Computer Poll Power Points Trending
4.8 4.7 9.5

Credentials: Two years of probation. The loss of a scholarship for the next two seasons. That's what the Huskies men's basketball program is imposing on itself for major recruiting violations. If an NCAA committee says that's not enough, the school said it will get Jim Calhoun to promise he won't have the Huskies going past the opening weekend in any of his March Madness brackets he fills out for the next three seasons.


12. Reds out

Human Poll Computer Poll Power Points Trending
4.6 4.3 8.9

Credentials: Boy, the Flame of Championship Excellence got snuffed early in Cincinnati. Thanks to Carson Palmer's interceptions, the football team is out of the running for a title before the baseball team was.


13. What's your Halloween costume?

Human Poll Computer Poll Power Points Trending
2.1 2.4 4.5

Credentials: Have you and your friends picked out what you're going to wear yet? Yeah, we're still weighing options, too. All we know is Nick Saban is not going to go trick-or-treating dressed up as Cocky the Gamecock.


Also receiving votes
• Columbus Day: It's a holiday because of a guy in a boat, not because the Buckeyes are No. 1 in the polls again. Just a coincidence.

Never receiving votes
• NHL season starts: Sorry we didn't notice, we were too busy putting all our WNBA jerseys back into storage. There's only so much fun we can handle at once, you know.

Greg Hardy is a Page 2 contributor. It's all pop culture all the time at Twitter.com/HardyVision.


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Greg Hardy is a Page 2 contributor. It's all pop culture all the time at Twitter.com/HardyVision.