Commentary

Power Rankings: Cam's edition

Originally Published: October 18, 2010
By Greg Hardy | Special to Page 2

The DNA of an Auburn Tiger got mixed with the DNA of an Auburn War Eagle to give birth to this week's edition of the Page 2 Power Rankings! Our formula combines the results of two surveys: a human poll concocted by ESPN Page 2's Greg Hardy and a scientifically calibrated poll generated by computer analysis. Unfortunately, our computer hardly got any work done this weekend as it was forced to prove that it was property of neither Cablevision nor News Corp. Its reward was being able to watch the New York Giants-Detroit Lions game. Which only confused the computer further, because watching a Lions game usually serves as its punishment. To the results!

1. Cam Newton

Human Poll Computer Poll Power Points Trending
9.9 9.8 19.7

Credentials: Walt Disney famously said of his empire, "It all started with a mouse." Auburn fans can say of their undefeated season and Heisman front-runner quarterback, "It all started with a stolen laptop investigation in Gainesville." Some well-timed transfers later, and the balance of power in the SEC has shifted from the East to the West more powerfully than Cam Newton cannonballing into the end zone. Which he did three times in a 65-43 Main Street Electrical Parade of touchdowns over Arkansas. Meanwhile, Florida's offense looks more and more like a Mickey Mouse organization every game. As Newton adds to his 12 rushing touchdowns and 13 passing touchdowns, he's the most exciting theme park ride in college football. Someone check Nick Saban's height to see if he and Alabama will be tall enough to climb on board for the Iron Bowl in November.


2. Cowboys Behind the Times

Human Poll Computer Poll Power Points Trending
9.0 9.0 18.0

Credentials: Jerry Jones, we know you pride yourself on being ahead of the curve. That's why you built a football stadium so state-of-the-art that it includes restroom facilities for species of aliens who have yet to make contact with the human race. But keep in mind, the NFL's lockout doesn't happen until 2011. It's next year when you don't have to field a team. This year, you're supposed to at least accommodate a roster and coaching staff capable of being competitive while daylight saving time is still in effect.


3. "Crazy Legs" Roy Oswalt

Human Poll Computer Poll Power Points Trending
8.7 8.9 17.6

Credentials: Running quarterbacks like Cam Newton strike fear into defenses because of the cliché "He can beat you with his arm and his feet." But when Oswalt can blitz past a third-base coach's stop sign and score a run in a game in which he also struck out nine Giants over eight innings, well, why don't you just ask him to run the no-huddle offense for the Phillies in his next start? All right, let's quit mixing the football and baseball terminology before we confuse Oswalt into thinking he can stop the clock if he spikes the baseball.


4. Rangers vs. Yankees

Human Poll Computer Poll Power Points Trending
7.9 8.2 16.1

Credentials: What do you think is more important to Texas fans: beating the Yankees and getting to the World Series -- or hunting down and destroying any remaining A-Rod Rangers gear on eBay?


5. BCS Math

Human Poll Computer Poll Power Points Trending
8.0 7.9 15.9

Credentials: Poor Boise State. No matter how much it tries to win the personality contest inherent in the human polls, the Broncos appear as popular with computers as a hacker who uses a sledgehammer as a last resort. When will the Boise State administration take the plunge and offer free tuition to the computer science engineering geek who can come up with an algorithm that always puts the Broncos at the top of the polls? Computers never lie, unless you tell them to, ya know.


6. Space Tourism

Human Poll Computer Poll Power Points Trending
6.9 6.7 13.6

Credentials: The hype is growing for Virgin Galactic and its quest to send ordinary (well, as ordinary as mega-rich people who can afford a $200,000 ticket can be) civilians into orbit. The National Geographic Channel even has a documentary about the successful testing of the spacecraft. But will the show focus on the science, or is it just a cheap way to generate buzz? We'll know the answer if an upcoming documentary features footage of the ship being test-piloted by Les Miles.


7. "Jackass 3D"

Human Poll Computer Poll Power Points Trending
5.8 5.5 11.3

Credentials: The latest in-your-face installment of the stupid human tricks franchise pulled in $50 million at the box office in its opening weekend. Which begs the question: What crazy stunt would you risk bodily harm and humiliation for $50 million? Wrestle a pit full of poisonous alligators? Jump a Zamboni across the Grand Canyon? Sign a contract to play for the Chicago Cubs?


8. Barbara Billingsley, R.I.P.

Human Poll Computer Poll Power Points Trending
5.3 5.6 10.9

Credentials: TV's June Cleaver passed away at age 94. Remember, back in the '50s before the concept of "reality shows" existed, viewers liked to pretend "Leave It To Beaver" was how things really were. Not that June Cleaver would ever let her kids watch reality TV even if it did exist back then. That's why she was the best.


9. LeBron's New Shoe

Human Poll Computer Poll Power Points Trending
5.4 5.4 10.8

Credentials: Introducing the Nike "LeBron 8 South Beach," which King James vows reflects the culture of his new town. If it is just like Miami-area sports fans, does that mean the shoes will only bother to show up for games when the Heat are winning?


10. Your Halloween Costume

Human Poll Computer Poll Power Points Trending
4.7 5.4 10.1

Credentials: Guys, here's a test to see if the gal in your life has a sense of humor. Encourage her to make a costume that epitomizes the theme of "The Real Housewives of (Your City Here)." Offer not valid in New Jersey. Then again, what does a New Jersey resident consider to be an outfit too outrageous to wear?


11. Olivia Marie Armstrong

Human Poll Computer Poll Power Points Trending
4.8 4.7 9.5

Credentials: Congratulations to Lance Armstrong for the birth of his daughter! Oh, they grow up so fast. Before you know it, she'll be old enough to listen to your story of, "Yes, technically, Daddy did win the Tour de France seven times in a row. But since then, certain people have come forward and claimed that Daddy, um … oh, geez, this story's going to take a while, have a seat …"


12. U.S. World Cup Bid

Human Poll Computer Poll Power Points Trending
4.5 4.3 8.8

Credentials: America is backing down from its bid to host the 2018 games in order to double down on its bet to land it for 2022. Experts agree that the delay is crucial if American manufacturers want to successfully roll out the next generation of vuvuzelas. You know how loud those things can get if we can rig them to be solar- and win-powered?


13. Michael Vick's Start Time

Human Poll Computer Poll Power Points Trending
3.2 2.4 5.6

Credentials: The Philadelphia media is roasting Andy Reid for allowing his injured third-string quarterback to show up 45 minutes before game time against his former team. Is there an innocent explanation or a cover-up? If we've said it once, we've said it a million times, no one's going to buy an excuse from a tardy Michael Vick of "The dog ate my playbook."


Also receiving votes
• Don Draper in Disneyland: Speaking of Uncle Walt, where was the scene in the "Mad Men" season finale where Don runs into him and plants the genius idea to start an all-sports TV network?

Never receiving votes
• Kanye West's Banned Album Cover: There's no possible way we can show you the artwork here. Rest assured though, it in no way depicts Ben Roethlisberger doing ANYTHING.

Greg Hardy is a Page 2 contributor. It's all pop culture all the time at Twitter.com/HardyVision.


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Greg Hardy is a Page 2 contributor. It's all pop culture all the time at Twitter.com/HardyVision.