Commentary

Power Rankings: FrankenFavre edition

Originally Published: November 1, 2010
By Greg Hardy | Special to Page 2

You're about to reap what the Vikings' medics sew for the weekly Page 2 Power Rankings! Our formula combines the results of two surveys: a human poll concocted by ESPN Page 2's Greg Hardy and a scientifically calibrated poll generated by computer analysis. Unfortunately, our computer went AWOL this weekend and headed to D.C. to show off the sign it made for the Rally to Restore Sanity -- "Hypocrites!!! You Let Computers Vote for the BCS Title Game Teams But You Won't Let Us Buy Season Tickets!!!" To the results!

1. Stitches in Time

Human Poll Computer Poll Power Points Trending
9.4 9.7 19.1

Credentials: The media gets enough blame about creating a monster when it comes to the hype surrounding Brett Favre. But in Myron Pryor's case, the Halloween hit he treated Favre to that required a Mississippi mess worth of stitches means we're about at the point that medical science can declare that the only way to surgically keep him in one piece is to declare him "The FrankenFavre." The bonus for Brett is that when he once and for all retires from football he'll be ready to sign on as a victim in the next "Saw" movie. Note to unemployed screenwriters: Don't even think of typing up a spec script for a sequel "The Bride of FrankenFavre."


2. World Series Scoring

Human Poll Computer Poll Power Points Trending
9.1 9.2 18.3

Credentials: It's only fitting that the Year of the Pitcher should end in such dominating fashion for one team. After all, through the first four games, the Giants are silencing the Rangers 28-9 in runs scored with two shutouts. Although, with the Giants' luck, Bud Selig will invoke the "best interest of the game" clause and let Barry Bonds suit up in a Texas uniform and knock a few home runs in Game 5 against Tim Lincecum, just to generate some offense.


3. Jerry Jones Apologizes

Human Poll Computer Poll Power Points Trending
8.4 8.6 17.0

Credentials: With a 1-6 start, there's got to be no shortage of ways to suck up to the fan base -- and you don't necessarily have to start with reassigning Wade Phillips to be your food taster. You're going to need some gimmicks to keep fans coming to the final four home games against the Lions, Saints, Eagles and Redskins. (Luckily, the Cowboys' final two games are on the road, so you can pretend that they didn't even happen). Why not let one lucky season-ticket holder on each sideline be in charge of the remote for the big screen? Don't hold out on us and pretend you don't own some ultimate DirecTV package that you turn on at night and bathe yourself in once everyone's gone home. Besides, imagine the entertainment value of having the soundtrack of "Bonanza" reruns drown out Jon Kitna's audibles.


4. Your Halloween Costume

Human Poll Computer Poll Power Points Trending
7.8 7.9 15.7

Credentials: Hope your makeup is off by now. Unless you're trying to convince everyone in your office that you went out Saturday night as "Guy Who Woke Up With Permanent Marker On His Face" Guy … and here's a critique for the guy who tried to pull off a "Tallahassee" costume. Yeah, you got the basics down for Woody Harrelson's undead-buster from "Zombieland." But you needed a Twinkie sticking out of a jacket pocket to sell the deal to the point that we'd know who you were supposed to be without asking. Otherwise, with a wacky hunting hat and jacket and toy shotgun, we just thought you were trying to be Ted Nugent.


5. Allen Iverson

Human Poll Computer Poll Power Points Trending
7.7 7.0 14.7

Credentials: Is anyone going to care that he just signed a two-year, $4 million deal to play in Istanbul? Here's a hint for any of you young sports bloggers out there who's hoping to make a name for himself. Feel free to blog away about every detail of his new team. Because, the last time we Googled it, the domain name "TheTurkeyIndex.com" is still available.


6. Oregon Ducks

Human Poll Computer Poll Power Points Trending
6.6 6.1 12.7

Credentials: How fast is the best team in the Pac-10 and possibly the nation? Lane Kiffin didn't even have time to interview for another head-coaching job by the time the Trojans were run out of the Coliseum.


7. Lee Westwood

Human Poll Computer Poll Power Points Trending
5.5 5.8 11.3

Credentials: Congrats to the new top man in the golf rankings! At least for the time being, we can retire the phrase "The World's No. 1 Golfer Who's Not Tiger Woods."


8. "Skyline"

Human Poll Computer Poll Power Points Trending
5.6 5.2 10.8

Credentials: Not that we have ANYTHING against another "Oh, gosh, murderous aliens are kablooming our major population centers!" movie … and yeah, we get it, the spaceships are coming down from the "sky" and destroying our skyscrapers' "skyline" … but hasn't anyone from the film's marketing department ever heard of the "Skyline Chili" chain? Maybe because it's so close to lunch, but it's our hunch that whether this movie is a hit or a bomb, it's a bucketful of free advertising for Skyline Chili. Is it too late to arrange a publicity stunt in which blimps disguised as alien invaders dump Skyline Chili from 10,000 feet?


9. Dwight Howard

Human Poll Computer Poll Power Points Trending
5.4 5.3 10.7

Credentials: One question about his commercial for "The Beast" shoe. Is Slim Chin supposed to be a neighbor of Dwight's in one of those exclusive Orlando subdivisions? If addidas is going to have Slim Chin be a recurring character, we wonder if he's going to star in a spot in which he walks down the block to the fire hydrant of a certain Nike golfer to do some amateur detective work.


10. "The Walking Dead"

Human Poll Computer Poll Power Points Trending
5.5 4.7 10.2

Credentials: Here's to AMC's new weekly TV show about people who survive a zombie apocalypse in the Atlanta area. How they couldn't talk a decrepit Bobby Cox into limping and drooling through a cameo was a swing and a miss. Maybe director Frank Darabont couldn't decide if Cox would be more believable as a zombie or a survivor.


11. NASCAR

Human Poll Computer Poll Power Points Trending
4.7 4.8 9.5

Credentials: Despite a tight Chase race, the legendary track at Talladega still had thousands of empty seats on Halloween. Maybe they'd have attracted more families if they had done a "trunk or treat" promotion through the garage areas. Although even in Alabama, you'd have to wonder how many crews could get away with giving out to the kids all the cans of Wintergreen Skoal they've got laying around.


12. Joe Girardi

Human Poll Computer Poll Power Points Trending
4.3 4.6 8.9

Credentials: Breathe easy, Pinstripe die-hards. The Yankees manager has a new contract, and it dangles a carrot for a half-million bucks if he wins the World Series. And his endorsement contract with Taco Bell stipulates that if he gets fired for missing the playoffs, he can be assistant manager at his choice of Taco Bell locations near the Yankees' spring training facilities in Tampa, Fla. So he is well taken care of.


13. The National Enquirer

Human Poll Computer Poll Power Points Trending
2.4 3.4 5.8

Credentials: The publisher of America's favorite tabloid says it plans to file for Chapter 11 bankruptcy protection. We think the supermarket sheet can come away stronger with a new ownership group -- for instance, one headed by Bat Boy. C'mon, he's been dying to get back into the gossip game ever since the Weekly World News stopped going to print.


Also receiving votes
• NFL in London: The Denver Broncos bet their future on Tim Tebow scoring touchdowns from 1 yard out. The NFL front office is betting that pro football has a future in London. So when Tebow scores a touchdown from 1 yard out in Wembley Stadium, what can we say but according to some people the future is here. Hey, Londoners, if you're going to stick with soccer, at least Tebow scoring a touchdown from 1 yard out has a chance of happening more than once every four years, unlike the cheap gimmickry of your World Cup.

Never receiving votes
• Trains as movie villains: Sorry if we can't take seriously a movie in which Denzel Washington and the newbie Captain Kirk match wits with a runaway locomotive. Back in the day, villains like Goldfinger, Hannibal Lecter and The Terminator gave us classic one-liners. But if you're up against Thomas the Tank Engine's Evil Twin Brother, what's the worst it can taunt us with -- "Toot! Toot!" for cryin' out loud? Denzel, forgive us if we henceforth refer to this vehicle as "TRAINing Day 2: The Choo-Choo-Choosening."

Greg Hardy is a Page 2 contributor. It's all pop culture all the time at Twitter.com/HardyVision.


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Greg Hardy is a Page 2 contributor. It's all pop culture all the time at Twitter.com/HardyVision.