Commentary

Power Rankings: Feeling Chilly edition

Originally Published: November 8, 2010
By Greg Hardy | Special to Page 2

You're just in time to scoop a lovin' spoonful of fiery Chilly with the Page 2 Power Rankings! Our formula combines the results of two surveys: a human poll concocted by ESPN Page 2's Greg Hardy and a scientifically calibrated poll generated by computer analysis. Unfortunately, our computer was K.I.A. after finding itself on the wrong end of Kobe Bryant's Mamba assault rifle in a round of "Call of Duty: Black Ops." To the results!

1. The Rise and Fall of Chilly

Human Poll Computer Poll Power Points Trending
9.7 9.8 19.5

Credentials: If there's one thing more entertaining than the Brad Childress watch in Minneapolis (and honestly, why would anyone intentionally gaze in his direction other than to see if he's fired off the hot seat?), it's been the dramatic rise in visibility of his nickname of "Chilly." And kudos to anyone trying to make money right this minute by feverishly printing up "Fire Chilly!" placards. You are American entrepreneurial spirit defined! But there's a way Childress defenders can turn that nickname around. Make him seem more homespun by calling him "Uncle Chilly." Who wouldn't trust the warm advice of an Uncle Chilly? And, worst comes to worst, Brad can instantly start a new career by hosting a children's variety show called "Uncle Chilly's Love Boat." Well, it wouldn't air anywhere in Minnesota, obviously.


2. Cowboys Hand-Wringing

Human Poll Computer Poll Power Points Trending
9.2 9.5 18.7

Credentials: Jerry Jones says he doesn't have enough fingers to point out everything that's wrong with his 1-7 franchise. In a related story, ESPNDallas.com is reporting that the Cowboys' owner is about to undergo plastic surgery to add 17 fingers to each hand.


3. Fights at the Races

Human Poll Computer Poll Power Points Trending
8.6 8.6 17.2

Credentials: On Friday at the Breeders' Cup, Calvin Borel duked it out with a fellow jockey. On Sunday at Texas Motor Speedway, push came to shove between Jeff Gordon and Jeff Burton. In the interest in boosting the profile of both types of racing now that their front-runners have faded, let's get someone to set up a pay-per-view fight between Jimmie Johnson and Zenyatta.


4. Jerry Rice

Human Poll Computer Poll Power Points Trending
7.9 7.8 15.7

Credentials: The NFL Network recently named the Hall of Fame receiver the greatest NFL player of all time. So which is the more surprising news: that a panel of experts could declare any wide receiver the greatest football player of all time; or that the greatest football player of all time would barely crack the top 150 on the list of "Greatest Diva Wide Receivers of All Time"?


5. "Megamind"

Human Poll Computer Poll Power Points Trending
6.8 7.7 14.5

Credentials: Hats off to Will Ferrell's big, blue brainiac of a super villain for looting $47.7 million on opening weekend. But even if the movie had flopped, we'd bet DreamWorks could haul in another payday for licensing its headmaster to the NFL as a new mascot for its stand against concussions and late helmet-to-helmet hits. And who knows, maybe in "Megamind 2" Ferrell's character can battle a 3D-animated James Harrison.


6. College Football Scandals

Human Poll Computer Poll Power Points Trending
6.4 6.7 13.1

Credentials: The BCS rankings have been boring us by only taking into account the human polls and the computer polls; can we start taking into account the entertainment value of reading the gossip about each team's eligibility scandals? Because we're not going to take TCU seriously until we read a headline that a booster offered to pay the school $180,000 to change its mascot to anything other than "Horned Frogs."


7. NYC Marathon

Human Poll Computer Poll Power Points Trending
5.8 5.5 11.3

Credentials: Rescued Chilean miner Edison Pena finished the race in 5 hours, 40 minutes and 51 seconds. The only way his story could be more inspiring, after he was trapped underground for 69 days, is if the Knicks offered him a contract while he was in town. Well, if Isiah Thomas was still in charge, Pena would definitely offer an immediate upgrade to Thomas' track record.


8. Les Miles' Lawn Care

Human Poll Computer Poll Power Points Trending
5.3 5.6 10.9

Credentials: Yes, TV cameras caught LSU's Mad Hatter picking something off the field and putting it into his mouth. And yes, Miles admitted that he chews on turf during a game like Jerry Tarkanian used to chew on towels. Miles' explanation? "I have a little tradition that humbles me as a man, that lets me know that I'm a part of the field and part of the game. You should have seen some games before this. I can tell you one thing: The grass in Tiger Stadium tastes best." Ah, the ONLY way that quote could be improved is if he delivered it Lou Gehrig-style by standing up straight and speaking into a mike in front of a packed stadium. You can hear the reverb: "The grass-rass-rass ... in Tiger Stadium-um-um-um ... tastes best-est-est-est ... !"


9. Ndamu'kick' Suh

Human Poll Computer Poll Power Points Trending
5.4 5.5 10.9

Credentials: There's no doubt Ndamukong Suh is a terror on the Lions' defensive line. But the wisdom of pressing the 307-pound rookie into emergency PAT duty after their regular guy got dinged? Didn't seem to pay off when Suh's sidekick hit the goalpost and bounced away. (And just to clarify: Our call a few weeks ago that intentionally kicking the ball into a goalpost should be worth 10 points is only valid for field goal attempts). But, we're willing to give the soccer-loving Suh a second chance in a pinch. We'll bet he'll eventually have a better PAT percentage than Shaq has a free throw percentage.


10. Toronto and the NFL

Human Poll Computer Poll Power Points Trending
4.8 5.9 10.7

Credentials: The Buffalo Bills are three years into a five-year deal to set up a branch storefront with their neighbors to the north. And so far the Bills are 0-3. The only way the Bills could embarrass themselves further in that town is to announce next year that Chris Bosh will be their starting QB.


11. Major League Soccer Playoffs

Human Poll Computer Poll Power Points Trending
4.8 4.7 9.5

Credentials: As the L.A. Galaxy advance to the Western Conference finals thanks to a stronger aggregate goal total than the Seattle Sounders, the league can only hope Landon Donovan and David Beckham can combine for an aggregate name recognition that exceeds the drawing power of stuff like the World Series of Poker and VH1's Jersey-riffic "My Big Friggin' Wedding."


12. Conan's Debut

Human Poll Computer Poll Power Points Trending
4.6 4.5 9.1

Credentials: We're not saying O'Brien has a lot of ground to cover in catching up to the rest of the late-night chat field since the comedian's absence from NBC, but TBS could have come up with a more original slogan for this week than "The Rally to Restore Lanky Redheads To Your DVR List."


13. Cliff Lee Sweepstakes

Human Poll Computer Poll Power Points Trending
4.1 4.4 8.5

Credentials: Wondering: Whenever the Yankees are pitching financial figures to desirable free agents, do they ever break down the numbers as to how many millions the prospect would be paid per pinstripe? Pretty pennies, indeed.


Also receiving votes
• An Extra Hour of Weekend: Some used it for extra sleep; some used it for extra partying; we're in that minority that used it for agonizing that much longer about the starting roster spots on our fantasy team and talking ourselves into leaving Peyton Hillis on the bench. Which gave the Browns running back an extra hour to prepare to bust off 184 rushing yards and two touchdowns on the Patriots. Well, no time for regrets.

Never receiving votes
• Cher vs. Christina Aguilera: There are only two questions we have about their trailer for "Burlesque": How is this movie going to be an improvement on the timeless camp factor of "Showgirls"? And was Elizabeth Berkley hired as a technical advisor? Because there's only so long you can go without work between "Saved by the Bell" reunions.

Greg Hardy is a Page 2 contributor. It's all pop culture all the time at Twitter.com/HardyVision.


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Greg Hardy is a Page 2 contributor. It's all pop culture all the time at Twitter.com/HardyVision.

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