I have to admit: I'm a little depressed.
It's only four days into my 19 days of football, but I think I've reached the pinnacle.
Oklahoma 38, Oklahoma State 35.
Food consumed during games: Honey walnut chicken with small shrimps (takeout), two large maple pecan pancakes (late breakfast on Saturday), chili (made by yours truly with a dash of cinnamon), two ice-cream sandwiches, several pieces of Halloween candy (Smarties, Nestle Crunch).
Diet sodas: 4
Salsa: the weekend salsa was Tostitos (medium), a harmless name brand without much zing to it. (Kind of like a Ken Dorsey pass.) Two stars out of four.
Groups of trick-or-treaters: 15 (a new personal record!). Is candy making a comeback?
Trick-or-treaters dressed as Randy Moss: 1
Hours spent raking leaves: 3.
Best commercial: Toyota Racing Development with Helio Castroneves. As pit crew questions him about being .03 seconds slower, it finds Helio being weighed down by a lucky rabbit's foot.
Best Keith Jackson line: "He just missed the coffin corner by two screw holes."
Second-best Keith Jackson line: After OSU's Robert Jones came up a little lame on a kick return, "He buggered up that knee."
Cheerleader shots during OU-OSU game: 4
Shots showing attractive OSU coeds with "O-S-U" painted on their bare midriffs: 4
Best hair: Hawaii offensive linemen Tala Esera and the appropriately-named Samson Satele. These guys had so much hair flowing from underneath their helmets, Johnny Damon might as well cut his coif now and admit defeat.
Best play: Adrian Peterson's third-and-short run, which he broke loose with a nifty spin move for an 80-yard TD.
Celebrity sighting: Barry Sanders at OSU game.
Can this be true? Still waiting for my first Viagra/Cialis commercial. (I saw one during the Patriots-Steelers game, but that's not an official "19 Days of Football" game.) I have an entire column in the works devoted to an in-depth sociological analysis of these commercials, but I can't wiite it if they don't show it.
Number of emails calling me a no-talent stiff wasting cyberspace real estate: 1
Michigan 45, Michigan State 37, triple OT.
OK, the battle for the Paul Bunyan Trophy wasn't officially on my must-watch list, but after the thriller in Stillwater, I got hooked on that game as well.
Those two games had it all -- heated rivalries, tons of big plays, amazing comebacks, bedlam in Stillwater, the Big House going crazy, the great Keith Jackson doing play-by-play man, I was drained and I hadn't even gambled on the games.
And then I watched the Bears and 49ers on Sunday night.
I spent three hours watching perhaps the two worst teams in the NFL. As Mike Ditka said when he was interviewed while the score was 13-13, "It's a good game in that both teams are tied. Whatever that means."
It means it was ugly. I wanted Colts-Chiefs. Falcons-Broncos. I got Ken Dorsey vs. Craig Krenzel, except this wasn't the 2003 Fiesta Bowl. ESPN would have been better off airing on Instant Classic of one of Saturday's games than make Patrick, Theismann and Maguire sit through this muck.
You see my point? I'm worried that the rest of the slate will be a bunch of Dorseys. You can understand this, right? If a game is bad, you can turn the channel. You can turn to your "CSI," your "Survivor," your "Desperate Housewives" (admit it!).You can put in the tape of Game 5 of the ALCS. Or, if you're a Yankee fan, you can flip to the "Yankeeography" on Paul O'Neill, The Warrior.
But I'm stuck. Like I was stuck Friday watching Boise State destroy Hawaii 69-3. Sat through the entire game and Hawaii quarterback Timmy Chang didn't even break Ty Detmer's NCAA record for career passing yards.
Look, I know what you're thinking: Shuddup and just write. There's no cryin' in football, you wuss. You must be a kicker or something.
But I'm not saying I'm going to quit this thing, go backpacking through Asia and Australia and then ask to return. Hey, this is football. I MUST GIVE 110 PERCENT at all times and run through brick walls and add a little water weight around my midsection if that's what I have to do.
However, let's be honest about a couple things. That 110 percent stuff? It's a bunch of crap. You know it. I know it. I think even football coaches know it (just don't tell Tom Coughlin).
And you know what else? Those offensive linemen? They're not agile. They're just big.
So my point is this: The football on Saturday was terrific, a couch potato's dream. The football on Friday night was played on blue turf (although I was happy for the national attention for undefeated Boise State). The football on Sunday night made me wish for blue turf.
Let's hope for a few more Saturdays, a few more Adrian Peterson-like moves, a few brother combos like OSU's dynamic Woods duo, a few more freshmen who play like seniors, a few more crowds as nuts as Stillwater and Ann Arbor, a few more overtime games, a few more games where the favorite sweats up a storm (or better yet, loses).
And a lot fewer Dorseys.
Because then I'll start eating even more junk food just to keep from getting bored.
Final games scores:
Boise State 69, Hawaii 3: one potato
Oklahoma 38, Oklahoma 35: five potatoes
Bears 23, 49ers 13: one potato
E-mails of the Day
After reading Jason's e-mail, I just threw up in my mouth a little. Could he try to be anymore PC? It's a freaking column on PAGE-FREAKING-2. Enjoy it. If you're looking for deep insight into social stereotyping and gender roles, get back to your roots at your liberal-arts school in California. Leave me and the lighter side of sports alone.
-- Scot Brown
No! NO!! You will record and watch OTHER FOOTBALL GAMES and then watch in the morning. If necessary you will employ a fleet of VCRs, working in shifts, so you can get all the games. How is this not blindingly obvious?
Hope you see the light before it's too late.
-- David Hinman
You still use a VCR?
I got a kick out of it and all, but you shouldn't be blaming Beamer for the sweep calls. All of Hokie Nation is ticked off about those play calls, but not at Beamer. Blame it on our OC, Brian Stinespring. He calls all the offensive plays ... and no one really knows what he was thinking. I think he forgets Kevin Jones isn't in Blacksburg anymore; Imoh doesn't have the speed to get around the corner like that. But anyway, watch yourself. Beamer is one of the all-time greats. Give him some respect, eh?
-- No name
For some reason, my editor deleted my note about Beamer being fourth on the active career wins list. He can email him at ...
I hope we can expect one day's games to be accompanied by Pedro (Martinez) Salsa. Pedro Salsa rules.
-- Erik DeMarco, Boston (go figure)
Thanks for the tip, Erik. Hopefully, I can find some Pedro Salsa here in Bristol.
David Schoenfield is an editor for Page 2 in his day job. He can be reached at email@example.com.