By Jeff Merron
Page 2

MAY

Helio Castroneves
Helio Castroneves proved very adept at handling left curves in 2004.

A taste of Castroneves
Helio "Spiderman" Castroneves, two-time Indy 500 winner, has achieved the triple crown of male sex symbolism -- he's been Cosmo's "Hunk of the Month," one of People's "Sexiest Men Alive," and made an appearance in the SI swimsuit issue.

According to the Miami Herald, he's chased by women of all ages, but was only spooked by one encounter: in Milwaukee, a woman came up behind him and began to lick his neck. "I'm like, 'Hey, someone help me. I'm being attacked,'" he said. "Whew. I have to say that was interesting."

Indeed.

You should see the "senior" league fundraisers ...
An item from the May 26 edition of the Christchurch (New Zealand) Press, reprinted in its entirety:

    A junior Australian rugby league team planning to offer a strip show and oral sex as prizes in a club fundraising night cancelled the event after protests from local politicians and police, a team official said yesterday. The Cronulla Sharks confirmed their A grade side had organized a lesbian stage show and oral sex as a prize at the fundraiser planned for May 14. A barbecue was held instead.

JUNE

Shirtless soccer player
Hey, unlike the streakers, at least the soccer players are in shape.

German politicos get raunchy
When Portuguese soccer star Cristiano Ronaldo scored to give his team a 1-0 win over Holland in Euro 2004, he celebrated by pulling off his shirt.

Nothing strange about that, right? Well, he got yellow carded for it. Unsportsmanlike conduct.

But the female parliamentarians who represent Germany's Green Party were not pleased at all with the scolding, and are campaigning to get the rule changed. They're circulating a petition and have sent an open letter to the German Football Association that says, in part, "Get rid of the yellow card and instead let players show their athletic torsos."

Oooh baby. That torso talk always gets to me.

That's one toe out of the closet ...
Australian football star Shane Crawford creates shockwaves (or at least headlines) Down Under when, in a recently-released special on his 2003 season, he appeared nude and admitted that there might be something to the speculation that he's gay. "I suppose there is a lot of evidence saying I am heading down a different path," he said, while discussing his on-and-off girlfriend. "Why do some people think I'm gay? Probably because I have some traits that may be gay."

His mom chimed in, too. "He loves being nude and he loves having a cuddle, whether it's male or female," she said.

Fantasy football

Gallup rolls over
Another online survey about sex and sports, this one "showing" that fantasy football players think more about fantasy football than sex: According to a (surprise!) FantasyFootballChamps.com press release, 58 percent of respondents answered they think 1-3 hours a day about fantasy football, while only 48 percent spend 1-3 hours a day thinking about sex. No 3 on the list: money. No. 4, by a long shot: food.

It's truly a groundbreaking study, said the site's co-founder, Ian Millman. "How often people think about sex on a daily basis has long been known, but what we didn't really know is how much men today are also thinking about fantasy football," he said.

Mr. Kinsey, watch out.

For all you folks who are sticklers for true scientific surveys, consider this: "The survey was conducted through e-mails sent to more than 800 men across the country, with a final sample size of 280 respondents, a 35 percent return rate." And how were the men selected? By signing up at the FantasyFootballChamps.com Web site.

QUOTABLE
"I've never had sex in a race car. That'd be pretty cool, though. I mean, it's something you've got to do as a race car driver, but not with just any old girl."
--Dale Earnhardt Jr., in the May issue of Maxim.

"I've been waiting for this for weeks. I'm ready to cry."
--Marion Judd of Wheaton, Illinois, after her daughter, a cheerleader in the 2004 Lingerie Bowl, didn't get any camera time during the game.

"Some of my players are too young to have seen such a large lady before and we went completely to pieces."
--Wimbledon manager Stuart Murdoch, after his team blew a 1-0 lead and lost a game, 2-1. The turning point came when a topless woman streaked.

"I don't understand English, so it doesn't really matter."
--Indians pitching prospect Kazuhito Tadano, at a press conference after it was revealed that he appeared in a gay porn video in Japan. He was responding to a question about how he might handle heckling.

"No one wants to be in my pants right now."
--Twins reliever Juan Rincon (who was, at the time, pantsless in the locker room) after surrendering four runs to the Yankees in the eighth inning in Game 4 of the ALDS.

"I've got a fantastic body at the moment ... It was great to do it together so we can say to our kids, this is us in our prime."
--Australian swimmer Brooke Hanson, after posing nude with her boyfriend, Jared Clarke, for Black & White magazine. Hanson won silver in the 100m breaststroke in Athens.

Euro 2004 roundup
Seems that every team has a different set of rules and regs regarding sex and soccer during Euro 2004 this summer. Let's see how the strategies worked.

  • Croatia got a day off after games to do as they pleased -- within reason. "Sex is fine as long as it is not acrobatic. They should avoid dangerous positions to limit the risk of injuries," its team doctor said. "They should satisfy themselves with more normal activities."

    Croatia didn't win a single match.

  • The French were barred from seeing wives and girlfriends until after the final group match. They saw. And then they lost in their quarterfinal match.

  • Italians and their significant others had to stay in separate hotels -- but got to spend an hour together after dinner. The team didn't make it past the group phase.

  • The Portuguese were pretty much in solitary from May until July. "Those who can't control themselves are animals," said Portugal coach Luiz Felipe Scolari. "Either we are humans and we know how to define what we want or we think just about sex."

    Portugal, the host country, proved they're humans by making it all the way to the final, before bowing to surprising Greece, 1-0. Proving they're human.

  • And talk about Perestroika: Russia's wives and girlfriends posed nude for Russian daily Komsomolyskaya Pravda, which published full-page pictures every day of the tourney. "The wives have done their part," said Svetlana Yeriklintseva, the freelance photographer who proposed the scheme. "Now it's the men's turn."

    The Russian men didn't do their part. They finished last in Group A.

    JULY

    The cold, cold truth
    2004 was a banner year for British soccer sex scandals, which led Daily Telegraph correspondent Simon Hughes to ponder why cricket didn't suffer the same, um, affliction.

    Beach volleyball
    Sex & Sports gives a big high-five to beach volleyball.

    Here's his theory: "Modern fitness maintenance is a passion crusher ... Bowlers might stride off the field after a demon spell visualizing the blonde they will soon be cavorting with. A short spell in an ice bath .. soon numbs those imaginings."

    But we can't help but wonder: Is shrinkage an issue, too?

    AUGUST

    The other performance-enhancing substances
    Ah, Greece in summer. We miss the joys of beach volleyball, but for the athletes, ruins and heat (and the end of heats) is plenty enough. These Olympic figures courtesy of Durex:

    Countries: 199
    Officials: 3,000
    Athletes: 10,500
    Condoms (official): 130,000
    Tubes of lubricant: 30,000

    "As the official supplier of condoms and lubricants, we hope the donation will help athletes improve their achievements between the sheets," said one Durex mouthpiece.

    Those *@#$%^& pesky drug tests and qualifying standards
    Playboy's September "Women of the Olympics" pictorial is only 62.5 percent pure -- three of the eight athletes who posed, as Playboy notes in its press release, did not "attend" Athens.

    As if it's their choice.

    FHM cover
    Female Olympians were posing everywhere in 2004, including this FHM cover.

    Our investigation revealed that long before the pics appeared, there was no way these athletes could make it inside Olympic Stadium without tickets in hand.

    U.S. pole vaulter Mary Sauer: Posing doesn't seem to bring Sauer much luck. In 2000, she showed skin in Maxim -- and didn't make the Olympic team. This year she finished seventh in the Olympic trials with a vault of only 14 feet, five inches.

    German long jumper Susan Tiedtke-Greene: Long gone from the world track scene. She tested positive for steroids in 1995 and was banned from competition for four years. (The ban was later reduced to two years.) Her biggest triumph was winning the German national championship in 1997.

    Canadian 1,500-meter specialist Katie Vermeulen: After word got out that she'd be featured in Playboy, she told the Toronto Globe and Mail, "This thing is done to celebrate women and women at the Olympics, and it's not about b---- or butts." Vermeulen didn't meet the Olympic qualifying standard.

    Click here for part III -- including the Hamilton College varsity streaking team -- of Sex & Sports 2004

    Jeff Merron has been compiling his annual "Sex and Sports" since 2000.




  • Jeff_Merron
    Jeff
    Merron
    SEX & SPORTS