Page 2 columnist
With the anticipated success of the action thriller "XXX," premiering today with Vin Diesel as an extreme sports star turned spy, movie executives are racing into the sports world to find the next great derivative hit. Here's a peek at some of the candidates:
Plot: Hoping fans won't notice, MLB execs secretly bring in minor-league players to replace striking major-leaguers.
Tagline: "Almost. As. Acceptable."
Plot: Butterfingered shortstops Juan Uribe, Orlando Cabrera and Rafael Furcal combine their less-than-slick fielding skills to corral criminals.
Tagline: "E-6: The Scorecard Notation That Put the Hurt on Crime." FFF
Plot: Though culturally worlds apart, an elite group of athletic-department academic counselors from the Big Ten and SEC are brought in to ensure that their respective conferences' star players are academically eligible.
Tagline: "No, no ...your name. Fill in YOUR name!"
Plot: (Working title also considered: "MeMeMe.") The federal government needs a new hero ... a maverick who has no interest in working as part of a team. Randy Moss is rumored to be sought after for the lead role.
Tagline: "30 percent effort. 100 percent action."
Plot: Lamar Odom, Keon Clark and "Munchies" the Hilarious Neighborhood Junkie are brought together by an overmatched DEA to infiltrate the NBA's pot pipeline.
Tagline: "The war on drugs has a new frontcourt." LLL
Plot: Conceding that his team's season is lost, owner Tom Hicks releases the Rangers from their contracts to join the SEC on a hunt for financial fraud.
Tagline: "Can I write this off?" OOO
Plot: In the classic "buddy pic" genre, unlikely partners Ray Lewis and Chris Redman team up to find the Baltimore Ravens' missing offense.
Tagline: "The best offense is an offense that actually scores." PPP
Plot: Following a bitter labor struggle, a group of "difficult" veteran baseball players left without jobs following contraction are drafted to conduct and monitor random drug-testing on their fellow players.
Tagline: "Watch your aim!" WWW
Plot: Online sportswriters spend their days coming up with cheap parodies of pop-culture events.
Tagline: "That's right -- check out Page 2 daily!"
Plot: The equipment man for the Boston Celtics begins a frustrating search to find a jersey for the team's new power forward
Tagline: "Get a load of the new Vin!"
Plot: Commando ex-figure-skaters infiltrate the sordid world of competition-fixing and player-on-player violence. Both Tonya Harding and Nancy Kerrigan are in competition for the lead.
Tagline: "Back at the trailer park, it seemed like a good idea." ZZZ
Plot: A hearty group of fans are given free Devil Rays tickets.
Tagline: "Call me when the Bucs are on." Dan "DDD" Shanoff is a columnist for Page 2. His "What's Hot, What's Not" trend-spotting list appears Thursdays.