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Hi, I'm Iowa State men's basketball coach Larry Eustachy. And if you're like me, you are always looking for a good time when you're on the road. "Plains" states? They don't have to be!
It doesn't matter if you're a frat guy or just an adult who wants to party like one: Culled from a season's worth of road trips subsidized by Iowa state taxes, my handy Guide to Party Schools will have you rocking out -- not to mention buzzing and groping -- all night long.
Here are my exclusive ratings -- from the Four-Beer Schools all the way down to the campuses to avoid:Four Beers School: Kansas
Larry says: "Here's a story that sums it up: Last season, I met this hottie at K-State at a party after we lost and I was talking to her and I was like, 'What are you doing here? Why aren't you going to KU? The girls down there are much hotter. You belong there.' Hope your frat-house game in Lawrence is that effective, because you're gonna get stomped by 15 on the court."
School: Northern Iowa
Larry says: "There's a reason I scheduled a game at Northern: Recruiting. But when I say 'hot prospect,' I ain't talking about power forwards."
Larry says: "Let me give you my special Lincoln 'uni,' and maybe you'll have party success like me: red hat -- always backwards -- with sunglasses perched on the brim ... Eric Crouch No. 7 jersey ... plastic cup chained to a strap on your wrist."
Larry says: "Uh, anyone seen that photo of me with the Bush twins? It was on the Internet somewhere ..."
Larry says: "Some might say there's an in-state 'rivalry' between us and Iowa, but whenever I go there and hit Frat Row, I always find the guys (and gals!) there to be the friendliest. Getting negged at the door? Just tell 'em: 'Larry sent me!'"
Larry says: "Alcohol's my thing, but to get higher than a Trail Blazers' shootaround, my crunchy pals at CU say Boulder gets the job done."
Larry says: "The best part about going to Mizzou -- Shout-Out to My Boy, Josh Kroenke! -- is that I get all the Natty Light I can handle at those cheap, in-state prices."
School: Oklahoma State
Larry says: "On the topic of Natural Light, I've been reading a lot of comments from fans mocking me for making so much money, yet drinking the swill of choice of poor frat dudes. I'll tell you what I tell my recruits: 'I'm no beer snob, and I don't expect you to be either.'"
School: Texas A&M
Larry says: "Two words: Dixie Chicken. 99-cent Lone Stars -- yee ha! -- and rattlesnakes in a glass case, just for atmosphere."
School: Kansas State
Larry says: "Like I said, the women are hotter at KU, but let me tell you something: Those Kappa Sigs know how to party! Woooo!"
Unrated: Unscheduled Last Season
School: Texas Tech
Larry says: "We didn't have the Red Raiders on the road, but you can bet your Bobby it'll be a wild Knight in Lubbock next year ... if there is a next year."
Larry says: "I'm always calling Kelvin [Sampson] and saying, 'Hey, K-Dog, what's going on at the Delt house this weekend?' He never returns my calls though."
Larry says: "A little smaller student body than the big state schools, but you know what that means: A fantastic students-to-barrail ratio!"
Schools Larry Wants to Schedule
Larry says: "Princeton Review's Top Party School for 2003. 'Nuff said."
The entire SEC
Larry says: "Have I blown my opportunity to get the ISU president and AD to jump conferences? I mean, the Big 12 is nice, but the SEC is the pro league of hotties and partying!"
Schools to Avoid on Schedule
Larry says: "Two words: Dry campus."
Any service academy
Larry says: "Ditto."
Dan Shanoff is a columnist for Page 2. His "Daily Quickie" commentary appears every weekday morning. The opinions expressed about these college towns reflect a parody of what Larry Eustachy might say, not the author's actual opinions about them.